Odds and ends

Less hot. It makes a big difference. The days are still hot but not humid, and it cools off at night.

I’m contemplating my session tomorrow. I want to stay with keeping things lighter. I think for me, slow and manageable is what I need. I really want to get my life more on track. I don’t want to keep losing so much time to recovering from therapy. I’ve spent my life depressed – I need the experience of coping better, not of feeling worse.

I have missed Ron somewhat. At once point this week, I missed him a lot – that feeling of need and sadness. Then I realized this feeling was from a younger part. So I told the part that we’ll be seeing Ron in just a few days – almost no time, and there was no cause for worry. He’s still around. And it helped a lot. It seems like parts of me don’t understand things that I understand very well – I have to explain them.

I’m still working from home. I’ve been taking little mini outings – I went down to the lake for walks twice. One day I sat down there and listened to my iPod, just enjoying the coolness. I’ve walked to my large park here and did my loop around a trail which I often take. I lay under some trees on the lawns and read my book. I love looking up at the sky through the green leaves. I want to know I’ve had a summer, even if I don’t go on any trips or large outings.

I do feel quite ignored and discounted by my work. I haven’t seen my boss for about six weeks, and he never acknowledges my emails, except the ones asking to work from home. Plus he approves my time sheets. I wonder if it was that last meeting, if I seemed unprofessional, or if it’s about my work, or, if he’s just busy putting out fires, and has no energy left to attend to my project. They are paying me so much money to do nothing.

I got anxious about all this, and so I kept hoping the boss would send me an email at least. I found myself checking my work email compulsively, every half hour or so. Stupid. He never sends me anything. The checking is like an anxiety check – it keeps all those feelings alive, hoping to get something, thinking that will make me feel more worthwhile.

Today I decided no more. I will only check email every two hours, if that. It was hard to stick to that, but it helped me to feel a lot more peaceful. I kind of gave up hope of feeling better through some email, and just withstood the anxiety of ‘maybe the boss doesn’t like me’. At least I knew I was dealing with fear and anxiety. It’s sometimes better just to feel it, than to keep warding it off with all the checking. At the end of the day, I felt more peaceful than I had been.

I’m also having my continuing problems of shutting down. Every time I get home after an outing, I find myself hugely tired, and I fall asleep. Then I wake up very very low. I was wanting to try and feel my feelings more, so that I don’t do this shutting down, but I can’t seem to do that. Anyway, I do have lots of time to deal with it.

Odds and ends. Just progressing through life.

  1. It amazes me how parts of me can not understand something that seems simple and obvious to the everyday me. But that’s dissociation, I guess.

    • Ellen said:

      Me too. It’s mysterious to me, but I’m glad I’ve at last realized this may be happening. Thanks for understanding Cat.

  2. Try not to take your boss personally. As long as the money is coming in, take it as a good sign. I’m glad you’re keeping up the blogs, even though you’re tired and low.

    • Ellen said:

      I try not to take it personally, thanks. I tell myself he is simply overwhelmingly busy and has put my project on the back burner. I’m not that tired and low though – I must be giving the wrong impression.
      Thanks Penny

  3. You are doing a good thing for yourself by setting yourself some boundaries (can’t check emails for two hours) to reduce your anxiety. Resting after an outing may be what you need to do when everything is so intense. It’s so hard to keep going when you are so low, but every little thing you can do to protect and care for yourself is worthwhile. I hope your session tomorrow can help you some with all of this. Sending good wishes, Q.

    • Ellen said:

      Setting the boundary actually makes the anxiety worse, because checking ‘keeps it in check’. But it’s a good kind of worse – the feelings rise but then subside again, as opposed to constant anxiety with the checking. So it seems a good thing to do.

      I don’t think I need more rest – I’m well rested. It’s one of my issues that I shut down after exercise, so that’s what’s happening.

      I’m not that low. I definitely gave the wrong impression in this post!

      Thanks for the kind comments Q.

  4. Rachel said:

    It sounds like a week off of therapy may have been really helpful in giving you space of not being triggered to be able to cope with regular life anxieties better. I notice a change, less despair, more nonchalantness.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, there are advantages to therapy vacations! Thanks

  5. I find that I need to explain things to parts a lot, too. Especially very young parts. They need lots of reassurance. Glad you were able to go on some little outings. I’m sure that did you good. XX

  6. Cat said:

    You sound less stressed out and maybe the break from therapy is what you needed, although I bet it’s good to see Ron again. This sleeping after being out probably has a lot to do with the dissociation you experience after the exercise. It’s really hard to fight against that and not going for a sleep would probably be equally difficult. I used to come home and fall face first onto the bed and would sleep for 2 hrs. Once the depression improved through other things, the exhaustion became less. It’s probably similar with you and maybe fighting it isn’t best at the moment.

    I don’t think your boss is being very nice. Agency or not, you are still working for him ad he should be valuing your input more. The thing is, if he’s professional and didn’t like you, he would still employ you, but he must be happy with the work you produce or he could easily hire another agency worker. I’m sure you already know this is playing out because of your background and father dynamics, would you agree?

    Anyway, hope the therapy with Ron went well

    • Ellen said:

      Yes to both – the break was good, and I was glad to see Ron.

      I think for me, the sleeping is about the dissociation somehow. It’s always combined with waking up in a horribly dark place. I’m glad for you this has improved.

      The boss is a puzzle. Maybe this is my father issues – hadn’t precisely thought of it this way. I’m keeping in mind I have no information about why he’s acting this way, so I might as well assume it has nothing to do with me.

      Thanks Cat

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