Less hot. It makes a big difference. The days are still hot but not humid, and it cools off at night.
I’m contemplating my session tomorrow. I want to stay with keeping things lighter. I think for me, slow and manageable is what I need. I really want to get my life more on track. I don’t want to keep losing so much time to recovering from therapy. I’ve spent my life depressed – I need the experience of coping better, not of feeling worse.
I have missed Ron somewhat. At once point this week, I missed him a lot – that feeling of need and sadness. Then I realized this feeling was from a younger part. So I told the part that we’ll be seeing Ron in just a few days – almost no time, and there was no cause for worry. He’s still around. And it helped a lot. It seems like parts of me don’t understand things that I understand very well – I have to explain them.
I’m still working from home. I’ve been taking little mini outings – I went down to the lake for walks twice. One day I sat down there and listened to my iPod, just enjoying the coolness. I’ve walked to my large park here and did my loop around a trail which I often take. I lay under some trees on the lawns and read my book. I love looking up at the sky through the green leaves. I want to know I’ve had a summer, even if I don’t go on any trips or large outings.
I do feel quite ignored and discounted by my work. I haven’t seen my boss for about six weeks, and he never acknowledges my emails, except the ones asking to work from home. Plus he approves my time sheets. I wonder if it was that last meeting, if I seemed unprofessional, or if it’s about my work, or, if he’s just busy putting out fires, and has no energy left to attend to my project. They are paying me so much money to do nothing.
I got anxious about all this, and so I kept hoping the boss would send me an email at least. I found myself checking my work email compulsively, every half hour or so. Stupid. He never sends me anything. The checking is like an anxiety check – it keeps all those feelings alive, hoping to get something, thinking that will make me feel more worthwhile.
Today I decided no more. I will only check email every two hours, if that. It was hard to stick to that, but it helped me to feel a lot more peaceful. I kind of gave up hope of feeling better through some email, and just withstood the anxiety of ‘maybe the boss doesn’t like me’. At least I knew I was dealing with fear and anxiety. It’s sometimes better just to feel it, than to keep warding it off with all the checking. At the end of the day, I felt more peaceful than I had been.
I’m also having my continuing problems of shutting down. Every time I get home after an outing, I find myself hugely tired, and I fall asleep. Then I wake up very very low. I was wanting to try and feel my feelings more, so that I don’t do this shutting down, but I can’t seem to do that. Anyway, I do have lots of time to deal with it.
Odds and ends. Just progressing through life.