It’s been an odd week. I’m very glad my last session felt so nurturing – it’s helped me feel a kind of calmness at times that I really appreciate.
We have a huge sporting event happening in the city over two weeks. My workplace is kind of offering people alternate arrangements for working, like working from home, to avoid the supposed traffic jams. I haven’t encountered any traffic jams personally, but i still asked to work from home, so this week, and perhaps next week, I’m home.
Mostly there’s nothing to do. It’s a relief not to have to put in all that empty time at work.
In a way it’s a break. In another way I completely hate it – I feel ignored and unwanted. I feel vaguely guilty – maybe there are still things I should be doing to this document, on this project.
I haven’t really missed Ron. I am quite relieved that I don’t have a session today, so nothing extra will get stirred up. It’s the first Friday in a long time where I feel relatively fine in the evening. And I have the pleasant memory of being cared about and helped, from last week. No way that would happen two weeks in a row. It seems like sessions go one good, one bad, mostly.
I think overall what I’m doing is calming my nervous system. Feeling it’s fine, it’s safe, to lie on my couch and quietly watch a movie. It’s like parts of me don’t know that it’s safe, that everything is OK, so I tell them, and it helps. We have a cushion a young part likes, with a picture of a fox embroidered on it, so we hold that. Just relaxing and feeling a warmth in my legs, my gut. Feeling more solid somehow.
I’m also trying to feel feelings. Just ordinary feelings that happen during the day. To feel that it’s OK to feel them, that if they’re unpleasant, they’ll pass on their own. If I’m sad, that’s OK, it doesn’t mean I am overwhelmed with depression, and I don’t need to freeze.
It’s a difficult process, retraining your nervous system. Learning to feel.
And there is still difficulty at work. I’m working on a section of the document with a co-worker in Big Southern Country. I used to really enjoy interacting with this woman, but no longer. Now I feel angry and agitated dealing with her. She has to explain a process, and she is getting it mixed up. So we talk in circles. Then she decides I don’t have the background to be able to understand this, blah blah blah.
A large part of my job seems to be being very diplomatic, and I will take the blame for lots of crap if needed. But….how hard is it to explain something?
I feel a lot of fear dealing with this issue. I could just leave it, not try to have it make sense. The boss may not care about it. Hard to say – I haven’t spoken to him in many weeks.
When I felt the fear, I decided instead of pushing through, I’d walk around, see if the fear would dissipate. Usually, I would push through, ignore my feeling. It kind of helped.
When I felt angry, writing her an email, I also paused and walked around for a while. It wasn’t an angry email. But I was pushing to understand, when I think she’d rather not bother with me.
Anger and fear. I want to feel stuff. I don’t want to split feelings off any more.
I’m surprised I feel so angry. The whole issue of disagreeing with someone is fraught with damage for me – it was not OK to have different view points at my house in my childhood. Well – I was encouraged to dispute, but my father always had to win. Which isn’t that hard – an adult mind pitted full strength against a ten year old. Plus just his conviction that he was always right, always superior.
Every time I don’t agree with someone, it’s a problem for me. Even mild disagreement. It turns into fear and anger chasing each other around.
Anyway. Overall I feel calmer, and I just want to feel ordinary feelings without cutting them off.