Um. So I cancelled my session yesterday evening, and uncancelled today.
Reason being, parts got hugely upset, one part anyway. I basically didn’t sleep all night. I still think it’s a better idea to stay away, but this part was so upset, I decided I’d better go. The plan is to not talk about anything difficult. I’m taking art supplies – crayons, paper, and maybe some other stuff. The goal will be to spend time with Ron, reassuring these parts that all is well, while not stirring up anything new.
I’ve emailed Ron that I need a soothing session with maybe some grounding tips etc. He didn’t say anything to that. This is not his forte or what he is interested in. However, if I’m firm that it’s what I need, he’ll likely go along with it.
I feel ridiculous. I don’t want therapy, I don’t want to talk about anything, Yet I need to go, and pay, in order to reassure this part, who is attached to Ron.
Once I cancelled the session, I started to feel less positive about Ron again. All kinds of anger and sadness came up. How come he never replied to my crisis email, for instance. I did write him another email the following night, middle of the night, saying I was disappointed he wasn’t able to reply. So he answered that one right away, Tuesday morning. It seemed to me an untruthful email. Little white lies. He said he’d just gotten back the previous morning (Monday morning), and was just catching up on emails, and had been out of touch. He was sorry he hadn’t told me he’d be out of touch. Emails go to his personal email account on his phone, so he always gets them if he’s in range.
Who gets back Monday morning? Even if he was, he’d had all day to get back to me. I think he was back Sunday night, when I sent the SOS email. What probably happened was he was tired, I didn’t say I needed a reply explicitly, so he left it. Which actually is an explanation and makes sense. Why not say that, instead of making up BS? Or just say sorry he didn’t get back to me, no explanation needed.
It’s like he feels he has to appease me by lying. My ex did that, to a much greater extent. I hate it.
At the same time, he feels like my only real connection at the moment. He has very good points. Just – I remember how much more caring he seemed the first years I saw him. He’d give me a check in phone call after rough sessions. He answered all my emails, just briefly, but something.
Anyway, my task for tomorrow will be to not be triggered. I want to enjoy the connection, maybe have the kid colour and chat, and not get into dark and horrible. I do have work concerns I could talk about, perhaps.
Elsewhere, I seem to have made one friendly connection at work that’s a little deeper than ‘how was your weekend’ type of chat. This is actually someone whom I respect, and she seems to be interested in meeting with me for lunch or coffees sometimes. Maybe she’s a bit lonely there, as she works solo on a big IT project. It’s nice to have someone whom I don’t have to pursue, who actually wants to spend a bit of time with me.
So, if anyone has tips for me on how to keep a therapy session light, so I’m not stuck in bed for the weekend trying to recover, do tell. I intend to get back to the dark and the horrible, just I deeply know that I must have a break from it.