Um. So I cancelled my session yesterday evening, and uncancelled today.

Reason being, parts got hugely upset, one part anyway. I basically didn’t sleep all night. I still think it’s a better idea to stay away, but this part was so upset, I decided I’d better go. The plan is to not talk about anything difficult. I’m taking art supplies – crayons, paper, and maybe some other stuff. The goal will be to spend time with Ron, reassuring these parts that all is well, while not stirring up anything new.

I’ve emailed Ron that I need a soothing session with maybe some grounding tips etc. He didn’t say anything to that. This is not his forte or what he is interested in. However, if I’m firm that it’s what I need, he’ll likely go along with it.

I feel ridiculous. I don’t want therapy, I don’t want to talk about anything, Yet I need to go, and pay, in order to reassure this part, who is attached to Ron.

Once I cancelled the session, I started to feel less positive about Ron again. All kinds of anger and sadness came up. How come he never replied to my crisis email, for instance. I did write him another email the following night, middle of the night, saying I was disappointed he wasn’t able to reply. So he answered that one right away, Tuesday morning. It seemed to me an untruthful email. Little white lies. He said he’d just gotten back the previous morning (Monday morning), and was just catching up on emails, and had been out of touch. He was sorry he hadn’t told me he’d be out of touch. Emails go to his personal email account on his phone, so he always gets them if he’s in range.

Who gets back Monday morning? Even if he was, he’d had all day to get back to me. I think he was back Sunday night, when I sent the SOS email. What probably happened was he was tired, I didn’t say I needed a reply explicitly, so he left it. Which actually is an explanation and makes sense. Why not say that, instead of making up BS? Or just say sorry he didn’t get back to me, no explanation needed.

It’s like he feels he has to appease me by lying. My ex did that, to a much greater extent. I hate it.

At the same time, he feels like my only real connection at the moment. He has very good points. Just – I remember how much more caring he seemed the first years I saw him. He’d give me a check in phone call after rough sessions. He answered all my emails, just briefly, but something.

Anyway, my task for tomorrow will be to not be triggered. I want to enjoy the connection, maybe have the kid colour and chat, and not get into dark and horrible. I do have work concerns I could talk about, perhaps.

Elsewhere, I seem to have made one friendly connection at work that’s a little deeper than ‘how was your weekend’ type of chat. This is actually someone whom I respect, and she seems to be interested in meeting with me for lunch or coffees sometimes. Maybe she’s a bit lonely there, as she works solo on a big IT project. It’s nice to have someone whom I don’t have to pursue, who actually wants to spend a bit of time with me.

So, if anyone has tips for me on how to keep a therapy session light, so I’m not stuck in bed for the weekend trying to recover, do tell. I intend to get back to the dark and the horrible, just I deeply know that I must have a break from it.

  1. Andi said:

    I don’t have any tips, but I think it’s great that you kept the session for the part who needs it. Good luck.

    • Ellen said:

      I’m glad I did. Thanks. 🙂

  2. leb105 said:

    It seems like you don’t have much luck with “light” sessions – that you feel frustrated afterwards, but maybe you’d consider that an improvement. If you got off your chest how you’re feeling about him at the moment, would that be triggering? Do you think it’s something he does or doesn’t do, that causes traumatic memories to emerge? Or overwhelming emotions? Or parts?
    It’s the same with Howard, he was so nurturing at first, and now he’s more like sandpaper a lot. It reminds me of the usual arc of my relationships, and gives the impression that our relationship has gone sour.
    Good luck – you’ll be okay.

    • Ellen said:

      I know, but I think at this point I really need it. Sometimes I need to process stuff, but not this time. I’m not sure how to answer your questions actually. I just feel relieved I’m going to my session after all.

      A drag that Howard is now like sandpaper!


  3. Part of trying to keep things light is deciding in advance to keep things light. You have several ideas yourself. Problem with parts is they don’t always cooperate. You do sound quite relieved that you are going. Another possibility is he really did do what he said he did. Something to think about, perhaps you are so used to being lied to that you think it odd for them to tell you the truth. I can think of several reasons why the scenario played out like he said it did. Cheering for you. Afterwards, you might review some of the mindfulness websites to help with grounding ideas and how to stay present. Wishing you the best for your session.

    • Ellen said:

      You’re right – the intention helped, and it went pretty well. I guess I can never have a pain free session, but I feel a whole lot better than last week. You’re right about the email. I think I was being too worried and critical. I didn’t bring it up because it seemed OK. Mindfulness – I’ll try it. Have you tried metta? That helps me quite a bit. Thanks Ruth.

        • Ellen said:

          Yes, that’s it. There are lots of variations in phrases you can use. And sometimes it’s recommended you stick with doing metta for yourself for quite a while, before you venture on to offering to others. I find this kind of meditation is really good especially when going through difficulties. Cheers

  4. My therapist probably would ask you what do you and this part need in order to feel connected and able to deal with the break as comfortably as possible. Those seem to be the things that matter the most to you right now, right?

    • And good thoughts for getting at least some of what you need from your session.

      • Ellen said:

        Those are good questions. We actually looked at it more from the perspective of why did I want to cancel, and how could we make this session less troubling. I didn’t even think of the break actually, I was so intent on not triggering bad things. It was a pretty good session – thanks for your support Cat.

  5. Rachel said:

    Sending support for the session, for all the parts. xx

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks, all the parts appreciate it. xox

  6. Cat said:

    I am a bit late reading, but I do hope it was a grounding session rather than one that may cause the dreaded therapy-hangover.

    I think Ron would be treading dodgy territory if he lied about anything and I hope he was genuinely away. But, the thing is, I always think it’s a bit off whenever he doesn’t acknowledge the email. If a Therapist wants to permit clients to email, then surely they need to be responsible for whatever process is going on there. I know you can specifically request a reply, but it seems you might as well be writing to Santa at the other times.

    I look forward to hearing how it went

    • Ellen said:

      I do have an aftermath, but it’s not as bad, thank you.

      Oh, he was definitely away, he wasn’t lying on that scale. Anyway, I’m over it – I think maybe he was more or less telling the truth.

      He he. Your comment about Santa is funny. It’s true – I’d rather he always responded. However, sometimes I have felt better writing him, even if he hasn’t written back. Maybe similar to a blog post for me – I get things out there. I feel like a bother if I always request a response, so save that for emergencies. But yes – ideally, he would always write back. Even just to say he read it and we’d talk next session.

      Thanks Cat

      • Cat said:

        Just seems a little odd that a client would need to request a reply. Most, if not all, emails from clients must be of a “deep nature” It would seem he might better not have the contact policy if he can’t keep up.

        • Ellen said:

          Maybe. I’m not sure. Anyway, this is what Ron does. It is difficult for me to request a reply, but I manage sometimes. Cheers

          • leb105 said:

            It’s funny how this whole dynamic has changed for me over the course of therapy. I used to feel very subordinate, very disrespected, when I wrote to him and he didn’t write back! And these weren’t crisis emails, either! Now, as you said earlier, E, I write to him because it makes me feel connected, all on its own. This way, it’s a way to soothe myself and feel better – rather than a way to leave myself vulnerable to disappointment and upset! My equilibrium isn’t dependent on the randomness of whether or not he replies. He almost never replies, or refers to the emails. I don’t write a lot of these, except when he’s away, perhaps.

  7. I hope your session today was grounding and connecting. I can relate to wanting some sessions that don’t kick up so many painful feelings and thoughts.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Di. It would be nice if we could dial up those soothing connected type sessions. This one was painful in a way but it seems manageable this time and I feel OK with it. Glad I went in.

  8. By now you’ll have gone to therapy and I hope it went well. I think coloring and staying with light topics makes perfect sense given that ron will be on holiday for a week after this session. I hope you will enjoy the coffee or lunch with your work colleague. Doing things like that is fun. XX

  9. cardamone5 said:

    I hope your session went well. Sorry it has taken me this long to read.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks, yeah, it was good.

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