I am deciding whether to cancel my Friday session. Ron goes on holiday the next week, but likely only for a week, so it would be a three week break.
It’s funny because the more inclined I am to cancel, and I think I will, the better a person he appears in my mind – kind, even-handed, accepting, even good looking. At this point, I am not at all angry with him. I know he is very sincere, very committed, and he does what he can every single session. Reading other blogs, I get some idea how excellent he actually is, compared to other T’s out there. He’s not a mother hen type, but he navigates therapy relationships gracefully and adeptly.
My problem is I cannot bear any more trauma triggered off at the moment. I really went through days of wanting to die, the pain was so very severe.
Seeing Ron seems to encourage this trauma stuff to emerge. We’ve not trying to work with it. When it came up last session, neither of us really recognized what it was. So there was no help for it in the session – no talking about it, or comforting, or processing with another person. I was left with it raging around in the days after, to deal with by myself.
I don’t want that this weekend. I’ve only just pulled myself together again. I might go, trauma comes up, Ron motors off to his vacation pretty much immediately, I’m again disabled by this and completely alone – it is not an appealing prospect at all.
I need to do myself a favour and cancel this one session. I’ve never cancelled one before actually, except one time when I was sick. I’m a very faithful therapy client.
If I’m OK on the weekend, that means I can go to things, see people, and notice that it’s summer. I’ll be less lonely because I’ll be part of life.