Cancelling

I am deciding whether to cancel my Friday session. Ron goes on holiday the next week, but likely only for a week, so it would be a three week break.

It’s funny because the more inclined I am to cancel, and I think I will, the better a person he appears in my mind – kind, even-handed, accepting, even good looking. At this point, I am not at all angry with him. I know he is very sincere, very committed, and he does what he can every single session. Reading other blogs, I get some idea how excellent he actually is, compared to other T’s out there. He’s not a mother hen type, but he navigates therapy relationships gracefully and adeptly.

My problem is I cannot bear any more trauma triggered off at the moment. I really went through days of wanting to die, the pain was so very severe.

Seeing Ron seems to encourage this trauma stuff to emerge. We’ve not trying to work with it. When it came up last session, neither of us really recognized what it was. So there was no help for it in the session – no talking about it, or comforting, or processing with another person. I was left with it raging around in the days after, to deal with by myself.

I don’t want that this weekend. I’ve only just pulled myself together again. I might go, trauma comes up, Ron motors off to his vacation pretty much immediately, I’m again disabled by this and completely alone – it is not an appealing prospect at all.

I need to do myself a favour and cancel this one session. I’ve never cancelled one before actually, except one time when I was sick. I’m a very faithful therapy client.

If I’m OK on the weekend, that means I can go to things, see people, and notice that it’s summer. I’ll be less lonely because I’ll be part of life.

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18 comments
  1. It seems like it is worth a try, doesn’t it? You can be pretty certain what will happen if you go, since it’s what has been happening every session for the last while. Trying something different seems to make sense, so you aren’t left in a bad place while he is gone. If you do decide to keep the appointment, you might want to consider what you could do to minimize the chances of your being left in a raw, triggered state.

    All my best wishes that you find the route that will work well for you.

    • Ellen said:

      Glad I’m making sense, and thanks for your support Cat. Sometimes I just need to lie low.

  2. If trying this doesn’t work for you, then you will know that for the next time. If all or some parts of it do work, then you will have that info.

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah. Done. It feels worse than I thought, but at least it’s just sadness, not trauma. Thanks.

      • I hope that the next couple of weeks go smoothly.

  3. Andi said:

    I hear you and I think canceling might be a good idea for this time. But when he comes back, it might be helpful to talk to Ron about this so you two can figure out how to navigate sessions in a way that doesn’t always feel like it leaves you feeling triggered. I TOTALLY understand how frustrating and exhausting that can be. Something I’m (sorta) working on myself.

    • Ellen said:

      It would be good to figure that out. I just don’t know how to do that. If you figure it out, let me know! Thanks

  4. Here for you which ever way you decide will work for you. Trying new ideas is part of the process. Cheering for you.

  5. That does seem rough–if it automatically gets triggered out even if you would rather it stay on lighter stuff. Then he seems to be almost totally useless at helping you get back to a semi-normal state.

    I’m glad you made it through the last weekend.

  6. cardamone5 said:

    I understand you feelings, and not wanting to induce further trauma, but I encourage you to keep your appointment.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for commenting Elizabeth

  7. Rachel said:

    It sounds like maybe you decided to cancel? Trying to read between the lines in the first few comments. I so know this feeling of wanting to cancel. I can tell you’re doing a lot of thinking, and I am wondering what your instincts are telling you.

    • Ellen said:

      Different parts have different opinions on this unfortunately. Thanks

  8. A break is good sometimes. I hope you have a good weekend whatever you decide to do. X

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