I feel like I’ve slipped into a kind of crisis. A kind of dead feeling crisis? I don’t know. I’ve been alone all weekend. When I feel triggered, I just don’t want to go out. Also, I can’t get myself to do housework, or just minimal amounts. My bathroom is so gross. I still shower though.
I’ve written a crisis type email to Ron and he hasn’t replied. I didn’t ask for a response. Stupid. Just not on top of it enough to do so. So he might not reply since I didn’t ask. He might reply in a few days. Or he might still be away and not have seen my email yet. Though they go right to his personal phone.
He’s like my source of comfort, plus my source of harm. I don’t like that I’m triggered into trauma without him knowing about it while in session with him.
I can’t think about it now. But this dynamic – desperately needing help, no help arriving, and feeling confused about the help – ambivalent. It’s like are the parents trustworthy? Sometimes. And sometimes completely not. And sometimes they’re the source of the pain. Other times, they help.
I guess I didn’t write until I felt I was in a crisis altogether. But he was away – I didn’t want to disturb.
Plus I was angry. I’m not exactly angry now, I feel too sick with it all.
I might cancel my next session. He has vacation after that – it would be a long break. At least I wouldn’t keep getting triggered like this.
It’s so difficult – he’s the only person I have to talk to about anything personal, other than this blog. I will be even more lonely if I stop therapy.
Yes, I can try with one of these women trauma therapists that are on the internet. I already feel disparaging. Why? They might be fantastic – how do I know differently? When I started with Ron, I did not know about my dissociative disorder, so I wasn’t looking for anyone who knew about that. Now I do. I haven’t found any male trauma therapists that seem at all what I need.
Ron is great with interpersonal stuff, how my family affected me, all that stuff – he’s good with it. I’m a different person, almost, since starting with him.
I feel like I need contact. He doesn’t seem to be replying anytime soon.
I am trying to think what it’s like. I feel hollow, and feeling anything feels unbearable somehow. I tried some meditation, and it kind of made my skin crawl. I can’t bear paying attention to myself – yet that’s what I probably need to do. I feel at the same time like garbage, and furiously resentful that I’m being treated like garbage, and unable to feel in a regular way at all. I’m thinking xanax. I took a natural GABA supplement – it might be helping at this point. That or the writing. I’ve taken xanax while having body memories, and the effect was not good – I still had all the weird feelings, but muffled – it seemed worse. Maybe no drug at the moment.