I feel like I’ve slipped into a kind of crisis. A kind of dead feeling crisis? I don’t know. I’ve been alone all weekend. When I feel triggered, I just don’t want to go out. Also, I can’t get myself to do housework, or just minimal amounts. My bathroom is so gross. I still shower though.

I’ve written a crisis type email to Ron and he hasn’t replied. I didn’t ask for a response. Stupid. Just not on top of it enough to do so. So he might not reply since I didn’t ask. He might reply in a few days. Or he might still be away and not have seen my email yet. Though they go right to his personal phone.

He’s like my source of comfort, plus my source of harm. I don’t like that I’m triggered into trauma without him knowing about it while in session with him.

I can’t think about it now. But this dynamic – desperately needing help, no help arriving, and feeling confused about the help – ambivalent. It’s like are the parents trustworthy? Sometimes. And sometimes completely not. And sometimes they’re the source of the pain. Other times, they help.

I guess I didn’t write until I felt I was in a crisis altogether. But he was away – I didn’t want to disturb.

Plus I was angry. I’m not exactly angry now, I feel too sick with it all.

I might cancel my next session. He has vacation after that – it would be a long break. At least I wouldn’t keep getting triggered like this.

It’s so difficult – he’s the only person I have to talk to about anything personal, other than this blog. I will be even more lonely if I stop therapy.

Yes, I can try with one of these women trauma therapists that are on the internet. I already feel disparaging. Why? They might be fantastic – how do I know differently? When I started with Ron, I did not know about my dissociative disorder, so I wasn’t looking for anyone who knew about that. Now I do. I haven’t found any male trauma therapists that seem at all what I need.

Ron is great with interpersonal stuff, how my family affected me, all that stuff – he’s good with it. I’m a different person, almost, since starting with him.

I feel like I need contact. He doesn’t seem to be replying anytime soon.

I am trying to think what it’s like. I feel hollow, and feeling anything feels unbearable somehow. I tried some meditation, and it kind of made my skin crawl. I can’t bear paying attention to myself – yet that’s what I probably need to do. I feel at the same time like garbage, and furiously resentful that I’m being treated like garbage, and unable to feel in a regular way at all. I’m thinking xanax. I took a natural GABA supplement – it might be helping at this point. That or the writing. I’ve taken xanax while having body memories, and the effect was not good – I still had all the weird feelings, but muffled – it seemed worse. Maybe no drug at the moment.

  1. Sirena said:

    I get a good sense from your post how awful this feels right now. You sound lonely. Is it possible to focus on widening your support network for times when Ron isn’t around? I hope you feel better soon.

    • Ellen said:

      I know I need to find other supports. Just I’m knocked flat by therapy so consistently, I can’t seem to go out and do that. Plus it’s difficult for me. Thanks for your support.

      • Sirena said:

        Do you think that therapy is detrimental right now? Maybe a change of pace in therapy is needed? Also, meeting people and getting a support network is hard. How about starting with more online support? Or trying to get to a social group or hobbies group? I think being isolated is really hard and really hurts your recovery. I know when you’re depressed it’s the last thing you want to do, being around people is tiring at times. But it helps get out your own head too.

        • Ellen said:

          I think therapy might be detrimental at the moment, at least with Ron. Trauma stuff keeps getting triggered by mistake with him.

          The online support is a good idea. If I don’t keep getting knocked over by sessions, I can go back to my 12 step group Saturdays, and maybe find one other thing to go to.

          It’s not exactly depression. I’ve spent much time depressed. This is more like a tidal wave coming at me – it peaks, then recedes again, and it seems like I just need to wait it out. Going out doesn’t help at all – it makes me feel worse. However, most of the time I’m not in that wave, and being more social then would be good.


  2. Rachel said:

    Ellen, I am sorry you are feeling so awful right now. I really understand that helplessness and desperation in needing more, not getting it, and not knowing what to do next. Or how to even start to feel better. I think it would be okay if you focused on something outside of yourself, to distract yourself while you are feeling this bad. Anything to get through the moments would be okay, when you are feeling in such crisis mode. I hope you can find some gentleness with yourself, and compassion for all of these feelings you are having.

    I haven’t chimed in yet on the stay/leave Ron debate, but in reading this post, a new insight is emerging (from your writing). Ron was really helpful, for quite a time. And you are identifyng new needs, because you have already done so much good work, that he cannot meet. That is a painful realization.

    Take good care. I will be thinking of you and sending lots of support. xx

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Rachel. I am definitely all about distractions – mostly mystery novels and DVDs. That does help.

      I guess my whole focus is actually not on Ron not helping. The memory I’m having is basically swamping me. It would be nice of Ron wanted to help, but he and my relation to him are not the reason I’m suffering. I know my posts are confusing on this issue.

      You actually have said just this already about stay/leave. 🙂

      Thanks for the support!

      • Rachel said:

        I hear you, it can seem jumbled and the projections onto the therapy do consume a lot of attention and energy, even if it isn’t really about that at all. Hopefully you are feeling a bit better today!

        • Ellen said:

          Quite a bit better, thanks. I stayed home from work, but can again do some chores etc. Therapy – who needs it!

  3. It sounds like the memories that came up in therapy are still floating through your mind. Skin crawling sounds like part of a memory. Take care. It sounds really difficult.

    • Ellen said:

      Exactly – this is a memory. It never comes into focus, but it’s unmistakeable in its awfulness. Thank you Ashana

      • Try to think what you would do if you were there with a child who felt this way maybe.

          • Sounds like a good start.

            Soft, pretty, clean clothes? Freshly laundered sheets? Something that smells nice?

            • Ellen said:

              Good thoughts, thanks

  4. Have you considered the online forums or looking at group therapies? Mostly so that you can connect with other people that can help you and understand what you’re going through? Relate and empathise in a way that Ron can’t?

    • Ellen said:

      Online forums are actually a good idea. I do have a group on Saturdays, but have not felt able to go because I feel too awful after therapy Friday. One reason for stopping the therapy would be so I can actually try going to groups, and not be so constantly overwhelmed. Nothing really helps in the middle of a memory, other than basic caring, but the rest of the time, it would be great to offer and receive support.

      Thanks Penny

      • Cat said:

        I spent a lot of time on forums before my blogging days, they’re a brilliant source of support without having to publish posts.

  5. Cat said:

    I completely understand where you’re coming from, Ellen. Paul is the only person I am close to and don’t like the idea of losing him. I also prefer working with women and was very surprised when I warmed to Paul immediately. I took a break from group last week. It was my birthday and therapy was making me feel overwhelmed by a multitude of emotions, aggravation being the most dominant. I feel a lot better for it today and I am looking forward to our break in August. You might still miss Ron during his vacation, but it may also be a time to catch up on yourself. Hope you feel better soon

    • Ellen said:

      Good idea taking a break. I think I may take an early vacation from therapy – tack an extra week on, so I won’t go back for three weeks. I’ve never looked forward to breaks before, but now I am. I’m fed up with therapy at the moment. Even if I’ll be lonely. Thanks Cat.

      • Cat said:

        It’s difficult if you are feeling lonely and I know how much you usually do appreciate Ron. Maybe it will help you to decide what to do. I don’t suppose there is any chance you could see Ron and another trauma T at the same time?

        • Ellen said:

          Maybe it will. I really think i need to make a change. However, I can’t bear the grief of losing Ron. Nor can I face going back and plunging back into trauma.

          Yes, I can basically have anything I’m willing to pay for, lol. Assuming I find a trauma T.

          Thanks Cat.

  6. leb105 said:

    Hi E, I’m sorry you had a hard time over the weekend. By now, you’re distracted by work! Having a therapy vacation coming up can be a scary, lonely prospect – or, like Cat says above, something to look forward to!

    Why not shop around for a trauma therapist? It might help you take stock of where you are with Ron, and give you a realistic idea of what’s out there. See how you respond. I think what you’re going through with Ron, feeling like you can’t trust him to take care of you, to know what to do, to know what you’re going through, is something you’d have to go through with any therapist. You are reading his mind – as a blank screen, you’re projecting your fears on him – so it’s likely you’d do that with the next therapist, isn’t it? You have such a strong need to take care of yourself, so little faith that anyone ELSE could possibly do it – and you have the best reasons for that distrust.
    If you forget (or evade) to ask him to write back, why not send him another email saying ps, please write back!
    I hope this helps a little.

    • Ellen said:

      I actually didn’t make it into work, but I’ll go tomorrow. Today was better – I’m on the road back to functional.

      I may shop around as you say. I know I’m not big on trust, and I’ve trusted Ron more than anyone else. It may be there is no one better out there.

      Ron didn’t write back. It wouldn’t help at this point to ask him to reply. I am a bit pissed off he doesn’t help in a crisis, but it could be he didn’t get it was seriously awful. That’s the thing – he doesn’t really get it. But, yes, I suppose I should explicitly ask him to reply. He’ll likely reply in a day or two anyway.

      Thanks for commenting and trying to help.

  7. Feeling like garbage is why I dissociated in the first place. It was like I had to go back through the emotions in reverse order. None of this is easy or comfortable or fun or a happy place. I constantly reminded myself, my counselor reminded me too, I needed to clean our the infected areas of my life before I could heal properly. Finally learning to love myself was key to finally stop feeling like garbage. I wish there was pixie dust I could sprinkle on you and you would be healed, unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. You are doing amazing work. I can see your progress.

    • Ellen said:

      Maybe that’s why I dissociated also – I never thought of it that way.

      Thanks for the support Ruth.

  8. So sorry Ellen. You sound confused. I hope ron replies to you. That contact is so important. It sounds like you just need his support right now. XX

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