Today I was so angry. I was so disabled. I know it’s because I got hit with some trauma during therapy. It’s worse when that happens, worse than the feelings from growing up. Trauma has a special charge – that dark helplessness, the gross feelings, feeling sore and bruised, though not physically. It’s unmistakable.
That’s why those parts were crying – because of this half memory. And because I’d had a difficult night, and no chance to shake it off because therapy was first thing in the morning, bang, some trauma came up.
Now I’m going to say negative things about therapy, but I’m not sure it’s Ron’s fault. I feel a bunch of things are his fault, and I’ve felt furious with him a lot of the day, between being too depressed to function. However, maybe it’s misplaced anger that went along with this event?
I feel like he should know what’s happening. He never does. I always have to figure it out, explain it to him, and then have him believe it or not. He does believe, at the time, but because he has no theory in his mind to put it in, he just forgets again pretty much right away. So I feel he should know what’s happening, he should know how horrible and gross I’m going to feel, and he should do something, or at least say something sympathetic.
I hate that he knows nothing about flashbacks or how to help. He thinks all feeling is good, but it’s not. Not for trauma, IMO. You need to feel something in the right doses, in the right intensity, for it to be healing. For him, all feeling is great, and healing in itself, especially with him there to be supportive.
I feel really bitter and angry.
And yet, it’s likely that even if I went to someone who specializes, it would still hurt like hell, and I would hate it just as much.
I’m just not sure this is doing me any good. Having trauma come up, and yes, I get through it, it costs me a few days of my life, and then I can function again, ready for the next time it’s triggered off.
Actually the session was good, apart from this. I discussed basically all my complaints that I posted about. Ron gets to hear it all. The part where I said I haven’t been feeling connected. Ron wanted to know when I feel more connected, so I mentioned parts. And he said sometimes if I’m starting to dissociate, I start to feel he is a bit unreal, which is true. It’s a really frightening feeling actually, to be sitting there, and not able to feel his presence there, sitting opposite me.
Last session, by discussing it, it got better.
We went back and forth about his trauma skills also. I said I’d been wondering if I need a specialist. That there’d been changes in how trauma was treated in the last few decades, which he didn’t seem to know about. Ron said something about how every few years, some new technique comes along that’s supposed to speed up treatment, and then that technique fades away again. It was a more involved discussion, but the upshot was, he thinks I’m talking about some ‘technique’ and he’s more interested in the deep fundamentals of therapy.
I forget how this argument went, and I wish I remembered. I remember at one point, Ron said how he agreed with me about something or other, and he definitely heard me out entirely, for as long as I wanted to discuss this. I ended up not wanting to continue. I didn’t agree that I was just talking about ‘some technique’, but he’d been kind, and patient, and not at all angry, and I was kind of mollified by all this. I even told him the books he recommended were crap. Not in those words. But they were all from his time in therapy school, that is, two decades ago. One I found completely unreadable. The other was about this false memory syndrome crap, so called, that was so big in the nineties, which I’m just not that interested in. Nothing about dissociation at all.
Anyway. He took it all in stride. He apparently feels he knows all that’s necessary.
Anyway, am I going to change the way he does therapy? Nope. Am I likely to influence his views on his profession in any way? Again, no. If I want someone who specializes, I will have to bite the bullet and go.
I said I might look for help with trauma elsewhere, like trauma yoga perhaps. He said he does have a colleague who offers that.
On the one hand, it feels great to have this kind of discussion, and not have the person retaliate or be really hurt and angry. And I felt a connection to Ron again. On the other hand, I had one more session where I plunged into trauma without Ron knowing it was happening, which then made me furiously angry.
I should probably not switch out of parts if they’re crying. They’re very upset – why not stay with that and try to help? I’ve been switching back out in sessions when I feel too confused and too bad. But that means Ron can’t really help that much, and it looks to him, apparently, as if the problem has gone away. I’m paying Ron to help me with my overwhelming emotions – I should stay in them. I know one thing that causes the parts to flee is Ron’s questions. They don’t seem to know much, and they get confused and can’t answer, and so I switch out. I think I need to stay put. I need to stay put so those parts can be comforted, even if they don’t have any answers. The way this is working, they get triggered out, the put away, and I get to deal with a chaotic aftermath completely on my own, with Ron not even aware anything’s happened.