Breaks are good

Ah…had a good day. Just for a change, I’ll write down something more hopeful. I went down to the beach for a walk, sat on a wall, looked out at the lake. Yep, it’s still there. I met a friend for ice cream. I hadn’t seen her in months, and it was fine, chatting a bit. Came home and cooked stew for the rest of the week. It is so lovely to not feel exhausted. And I don’t feel guilty. Usually I feel so guilty about not managing to visit my son. But that happened this week already, and it’s OK for me to relax and do other things.

I read my YA novel, The Red Queen. I do lie down and just do nothing for almost two hours. I feel things pressing in on me, and usually I go to sleep when that happens, but I didn’t sleep, just lay there. It seemed OK. I’m spending time just allowing stuff, not desperately pushing it away. It’s not coming clear, and I’m fine with that. I made the time, so, it feels OK. I’m not going to go digging around for what doesn’t need to emerge.

I’m am still pretty tired. I can’t do all I wish to do. I didn’t clean much or at all. I did wash my bedding, which desperately needed it. I will have sweet smelling nights now for a bit.

I really need to clean the bathroom – I should still be able to do that.

I’ve been ignoring therapy as much as possible. It’s a confusing situation and I deserve a break from thinking about it.

I got my balcony planted. You can tell I’m in parts if you look at my planters – I have two large ones. One is for the kid. It is bright! Pink and yellow petunias, silver leafed things, and a blue spire like flower. Then, at the corner of my balcony, my second planter. It’s so calm – more for the adult. Dusty blue petunias, a golden leafed plant, and a cascading white bacopia. Soothing and sophisticated (says I).

I need another bag of potting soil for some leftover geraniums, but basically, it’s done. The kid part of me loves the flowers on the balcony, so now every time we go out there, it’s like a little hit of happiness.

I wish I didn’t have work tomorrow. Child parts do not like work. I have issues with it also. I didn’t think much about work on my break, luckily. It’s hard putting in the time when there’s not much to do. However. Maybe there will be something tomorrow.

I am promising myself to take at least three more days at the August long weekend. That’ll give me something to look forward to. I was worried I would just get sad on days off, but that didn’t happen. I need the time, and I make use of it. Time off. So great.

  1. Cat said:

    Reading and relaxing and “allowing stuff” sounds a good and healthy place to be and I would say this is one of those changes I have witnessed recently.

    The balcony sounds great, my balcony needs doing but geraniums is all I plant due to the shade.

    Glad to hear about the August break. This might help the situation at work feel more bearable.

    • Ellen said:

      I like geraniums! Work is not too bad so far, but it’s nice to look forward to a break. Thanks

  2. leb105 said:

    You remind me of my strategy when I feel like quitting therapy – I have DAYS before I go again. I’m having a therapy vacation RIGHT NOW!
    I wish you’d say more about your objections to work – I think I know the kid’s (kids’?) objection – having to be stuffed into the closet? I know the issues you have, I guess I didn’t know that they didn’t belong to parts.

    • Ellen said:

      My objections to work? A lot of – they’re asking me to be there but not giving me anything to do. I know many people have the opposite issue. Sometimes I really struggle / am triggered by people I work with, but that’s not the case right now. I am fairly lonely, but, even that is easing a bit, like the other day I had lunch with some people on my team, just in the lunch room, and it was fine.


  3. Rachel said:

    I’m so glad that your break turned out to be positive for you and restorative – you certainly needed and deserved to have some respite from your worries and uncertainties. Nice work Ellen 🙂

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Rachel. I was surprised how happy the break made me feel. 🙂

      • Rachel said:

        Then I am so glad you are going to do it again next month! 🙂

  4. Breaks are good and so important. Glad yours was fun. Your plants sound so nice. I do miss not being able to see flowers. Thats a drawback of blindness. They all sound so pretty. XX

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