I’ve been having a good break. I really deeply needed to rest, not get it together for a few days. The weekend just seems time enough to get over the worst of therapy, and to do a few basic chores, then it’s back to work.
Yesterday I went to a slightly different part of town, bought some supplements, then got an ice cream and walked around the neighbourhood, enjoying my treat and admiring people’s gardens. Such a perfect blue sky day – not hot but pleasant. In the evening I picked up my son and took him out to dinner. We went to a place I’d read about in the paper. My son complained that the place was too noisy and ‘trendy’, but I enjoyed it a lot. The food was so interesting – Indonesian, grilled chicken with lime and chili, a pork stew, and watermelon salad with radish slices. What’s not to love? Sitting near floor length windows wide open to the sidewalk.
Anyway. My son ate the food with gusto. And we talked, then walked to a coffee shop and had a tea while the sun went down. He seemed fairly healthy, though he feels he’s no better, and nothing much has changed. We argue about creativity – he says he takes his art very seriously, and it’s about craft, and I tell him how I feel I wrecked my piano playing with perfectionism. I worry he is crushing his art – he’s got all these theories, and seems to have lost that colour and spark he had in high school, when he painted his lively green and black oil paints.
Today in contrast has been blah. It’s been threatening rain, so I only ventured out in my usual neighbourhood. I went to get my toenails painted, and don’t like the result – it’s a China blue. I’m thinking the girl (she was maybe 16) didn’t use the shade I oh so painstakingly picked out. She had other blues already in her tray – I bet she used one of those by mistake. I wasn’t paying proper attention. I wanted a grey-green-blue, not blue with a capital B.
Who cares. This is such a detail. I’m in such a grouchy mood today. I consider trying to do something more fun with my day. Movie? Or attend a 12 step group, since I can’t seem to manage the one on Saturdays? But if I go to the group, I am unlikely to go back, because I’m too tired when I have to work, so is it a waste of time?
I wish I was having yesterday again today.
There are things I need to do and I’m avoiding. I’ve avoided the tax guy, haven’t listened to his message he left two weeks ago. A friend called me on the weekend, and I haven’t listened to her message. I have to get a government form filled out and paid for.
I can’t seem to do these tasks.
I try not to think about therapy. I don’t know if it’s helping or not. I am feeling a lot. How do I know if it’s helping?
The changes I see are:
1. Some people at work seem interested in talking to me. Sometimes I’ve had lunch with some people there. This never happened once in all the years of my previous contract. I think I seem maybe less odd.
2. I feel less lonely. I actually have less people in my life, but I don’t seem to care that much, not like I did.
3. I am no longer depressed all the time. Instead I feel a whole lot more, mostly negative, but it’s no longer a grey depression.
4. I have more of a sense of what kinds of people I like.
The bad is I still seem to have all the trauma, and it still comes up and goes back down regularly. I still can’t exercise without dissociating, and so I avoid exercise. I have not made any friends to replace friends lost. I have less confidence in my therapist than I had, and feel less connected to him. I have the same job which I’m not that happy in.
Anyway. I guess in my next session, I’ll talk about how I’m not feeling much connection. I won’t say this, but last session was completely dismal. It felt as if I was playing a therapy client, trying to talk about my problems, and Ron was a therapist on TV. Not the breakthrough type therapist either.
I thought I had some good thoughts about therapy, but now I don’t seem to. I know it feels most healing when either Ron and I talk about our relationship – not that that happens much – or Ron talks with parts. If Ron talks with parts, a bunch of crap comes up with them that is so hard to deal with.
I am going in circles here so best stop now. One more day of holidays left – I hope I can make it a better one.
I am also trying to read something more challenging than murder mysteries, but literature seems to depress me. I am reading a book on meditation though which is great.