I’ve been researching local trauma therapists with experience with dissociation. There are a few. All women. I think I do better with men, but men don’t seem to specialize in trauma here.
I’ve had a bad weekend. I did make a point of going out of the house every day though, as per my therapy session. Friday I sat outside at Starbucks. Saturday morning I went to the library and looked at magazines. Today I ventured a little west with the car, walked and sat in a cafe reading. It was all OK. But I’ve ended up with a monster head-ache.
I am surprised Ron has gone down this tack of trying to get me to go out on weekends. Why didn’t he do that when we started therapy? When we started, if I was sad on weekends, he’d say I was ‘falling together’, and it seemed OK with him if I was too sad to function.
I feel as if therapy is making me worse. I felt incredibly internally chaotic Friday, as if parts were swirling around, yelling or moaning or something. I seem to dwell on all the ways Ron doesn’t get me, and doesn’t get trauma. Yes, he took the book I lent him. Who knows if he’ll end up reading it. I think if he wanted to inform himself about trauma and dissociation, he would already have done so.
On the other hand. When I think of going to see one of these trauma therapist women – I quail. I know in my bones that there is so much more to being a good therapist than knowing this trauma theory. But – they might both know it and be good therapists, who knows? I need someone who can tolerate my being ‘not nice’, the way Ron is able to.
I’ve stopped eating supper most days, the last two weeks. And skipped lunch also on weekends. I make do with a good breakfast, then chocolate and almonds. I don’t think it’s a good thing. Usually I never skip a meal – I’m all about good nutrition. I feel I’m just going downhill in every respect.
I know I need other sources of human contact, besides therapy and my job. That’s a big problem right there. And I have shed friends since going to Ron for therapy, and I’ve not replaced them. Though a couple of people did reach out to me at work, which never happened once in my four years at the previous place. So I wonder if maybe something has changed after all?
Rain this weekend, and cool. I don’t mind. I like cool rain, if it’s only for a few days.
I’ve taken three days off. I deeply felt I needed to take a break, my first since starting this contract in February. There’s a statutory holiday here on Wednesday, so I’m taking the Monday and Tuesday as well.
I’m trying not to think about therapy. It’s just a part of my life – I need to think about other things. Hard to do when you feel like crap though. Easy to focus on how therapy is not helping.
I’ve also been dealing with anger this weekend. I felt it at the end of last session. I did a meditaton this morning on allowing emotions, then switching back to focus on the breath. I thought it was great – feeling the emotion as well as containing it. However then I got hit with this massive headache, so maybe it was too much of a good thing.
I hope you are doing well today and that things are right in your world.