Arghh….one of those bad therapy sessions today. Man. I think they go better when I’ve been writing about things during the week. I went, and had nothing planned, in particular, beyond being in parts and wanting to change that. As last weekend was a washout for me in terms of doing anything with anyone. And work is quiet. Actually work is aggravating, but I forgot that in session. I feel like I’m being ignored, and that triggers me. However. I just remembered I’m not having issues with anyone there, and had a few social interactions that were fine.
The session seems full of emptiness. Ron can be very bland and colourless sometimes. Sometimes that’s a good quality, other times it’s irritating. Today I ended up feeling unconnected completely. I just wasn’t sure anyone was there.
I gave him my book, The Haunted Self, about dissociation and trauma. Who knows if he will read it. He said he’d try. I really think he knows nothing about the last fifteen years of trauma research. He’s kind of dismissed it because he ‘doesn’t believe in labels’, but he’s dismissed it without knowing anything about it.
Yes I feel critical of Ron.
He does try to help me. He is good at some of it. He can tolerate all kinds of emotion for instance. He responds in a good way often. I never fear I am too much for him – not really.
I hate it when we do this kind of reciting my week, reciting my problems, and he tries to give ‘insights’ kind of sessions. To me they feel useless, but sometimes, I can’t think what else to do.
What was the advice this week? Oh I feel mean saying it this way. He doesn’t really give advice….I know that. But this week it seemed like he did. We talked about how I shut down after sessions and don’t do a lot. He tried to find out why I don’t do anything. I feel too bad. But couldn’t you go out anyway, even if you feel bad? Yes, I can do things but then I dissociate, get very very tense, feel disembodied, and stop sleeping. No, but isn’t there a middle ground between these? Well, how do I find that. At which point, we stop.
Yes, I don’t want to shut down. Yes, it’s a problem. My life shrinks to almost nothing. But it hurts so very much, that it’s impossible to do things. This is the part that I feel like Ron is missing. How severe it feels. I wonder if, because I do not self-harm, or drink to excess, or really do anything, it seems that I don’t feel that bad? I feel bad. It’s just, my response is to stay in bed. Or stay home. Kind of shut down.
Oh yeah, Ron says maybe it’s like trying to get a child out the door. You can force it, but you can also try other ways. Like treats? You can try bribery….I say well, that can work with a child who is well. What I’ve got is a traumatized child. In that case, I wouldn’t be trying to get the child out the door, I’d be trying to take care of her instead.
Ron looks kind of sorrowful, and the discussion peters out. I wonder if he had any other suggestions – I can’t remember at all.
Towards the end of the session, I mention metta and how doing that kind of meditation can bring up the negative emotions, like the critic. So then Ron wanted to talk to the critic. Who is a part. Then flipped over to B. Once the parts start talking, things make less rational sense, but I feel more present and real.
B tells about shoes we bought last week. They are cute – with a wedge heel. She loves them. However, they hurt to walk in much. So she’s explaining why we bought them, because people at work wear fancy shoes, and anyway, you don’t have to walk that far in shoes, they can look pretty.
Then I’m hit with this immense feeling of loneliness. It’s surprising, because Ron is sitting right there, for all I don’t feel that connected to him. The loneliness is so intense it feels dangerous. I tell Ron what I’m feeling. How does he respond? He says sometimes if I’m in my ‘inner world’ I’m not realizing what’s happening in the outer world. Something like that.
He thinks the feeling is there because of what we’ve been talking about. I tell him it’s not that – it’s not a gradual feeling in response to our discussion. It’s more like a bubble that popped and I’m left drowning in this feeling.
It doesn’t make much sense to me. I start feeling really angry as well. I raise my voice to complaining level. I’m angry that I’m feeling this shitty, and that Ron isn’t doing anything about it. I say I wish I’d had this experience earlier in the session. Why, so you wouldn’t feel bad after the session? No, so I could work out what’s going on. Sorry to get all angry and difficult. I just don’t get this. It’s OK, you’re expressing your feelings, you’re not being difficult.
So I leave. We do take a few minutes so I can gather myself together. Ron wants to tell me about his upcoming vacation but I tell him can you tell me next time, I’m too riled up at the moment, I can’t deal with it.
This time I’m not crying. I’m just feeling very pissed off. But, I think it’s an inner feeling. Ron didn’t really do anything. I didn’t feel connected, but he didn’t do that. I feel angry and empty.
I have been harping on about how awful I feel after sessions, and is this normal? I don’t think it is, from my reading of other blogs. People with serious issues don’t leave therapy and are incapacitated for the next few days. So I’m not sure what happens to me. We’ve not even dealing with trauma most times. I think I’ve got Ron worried about this perhaps.
Maybe this time, I won’t get so sad. Hope not. I have a few days off, and I want to do some stuff, not stay in bed.