I have been dealing with my usual therapy hangover, and got stuck this morning – I kept going back to bed. Missing the beautiful day, which I’m still missing by staying in to blog. I’ve found though I can cheer up, but I have to work on it. It’s tricky – I don’t want to batten down the feelings again, but I want to comfort, and show vulnerable parts of me that all is OK, that we can do things that feel good, life is not over.
The helpful things so far were – listening to my favorite jazz program on the radio, Jamie Cullen from the BBC, and dancing a bit to some songs. Toast. The kid loves toast. I don’t get to eat much of it because my stomach can’t tolerate a lot of grain, but a piece a day is OK. Then reading a bit of a light mystery. Just something with interesting characters that moves along quickly.
It’s hard because I must do some chores, but I’m too low to do much. Though I did do some dishes. My garden plants must be planted, and I just can’t do it. I hope to at least water them.
Wishing myself well at every point is helpful. It’s the opposite of what I naturally do, which is to freak out that I’m not coping. But wishing myself well, even when I feel like crap, is accepting the feelings, and it helps.
Therapy was a lot better this week. In that, I did not go home and start searching frantically for a new therapist. I’m not even sure what it is that set off all the grief. Of course, we talked about painful things, like my recent family experience. Then in the last twenty minutes we also discussed my concerns about the therapy, and whether Ron has the specific knowledge I need. Why it seems that when trauma stuff comes up in therapy, it doesn’t seem to process, it just goes back down, ready to emerge again the next time.
I felt we had much more interaction happening than usual, which gave me more of a sense that someone is actually there, which was comforting. I really don’t want to be talking at a chair.
And we talked about the end of session issue. How I felt I’d basically been left in a child part last time, and Ron hadn’t seemed concerned. Ron said I can take all the time I need at the end of sessions to come back – he doesn’t have anyone coming after me. So I said I needed him to help me – it was hard to do it all on my own, even if I insist on staying past time.
This session, I didn’t switch into parts. But anyway, I told Ron I needed at least five minutes at the end to get oriented. He wanted to say some things, so we went over, so I could orient. It was interesting, because at that point, the kid did come out and cried, because of something that happened in the session. Because we had some time to deal with it, it all felt a lot better when I left, five minutes over time. Ron even tried to ground me, suggesting I put my feet flat on the floor and feel them. At that point, I didn’t want to do that, because the kid had taken over, but it was interesting he tried that. I know that’s not something he feels that comfortable with, but he was trying to respond to my requests.
I want to describe my session later. For now, I’m going out to at least water those poor pathetic little bedding plants wilting in their plastic containers.