Maybe if I write it out it will help. I’m feeling crazy and paranoid at the moment. I have been sleep really badly, which makes it hard for me to see what is happening, plus I feel I then act oddly sometimes.
Work is so difficult for me. All the people I was making these tiny connections to have disappeared (one is on vacation, the others I don’t know), so some days, I don’t say a word to anyone. Which is lonely, and also makes me more anxious. Then this boss, for whatever reasons, and despite being nice, really makes me anxious. I’ve had one meeting this week, including him and some people in another country (on the phone). I was running the meeting, though he was obviously the important person, and a lot of the time, he talked. But at one point, I was speaking, and all of a sudden he shot me this look, just a blazing look, like a warning? I was too busy with what was happening at the time to think about it, but after, I thought, wow, what did I say? And in general, I worry I talked too much, and my tone was wrong, somehow, too anxious maybe.
Then after this, I haven’t talked to anyone else that day or the next day. They leave me completely alone to write this document. I just feel dismal. It’s an unclear situation, there’s no reassuring people contact, and I’m getting strange looks, and I’m f’ing exhausted because I’m not sleeping properly.
I just tried watching Homeland Season 3, but have turned it off – too much paranoia for me. I identify with the Carrie character at the moment, who is descending into mania and paranoia, though believe me, she has really good reasons, unlike me. The CIA is not plotting against me after all.
Two things have set this state off for me. One, my doubts about Ron’s therapy have continued, and I feel awful about that. I hate to leave, but I’m thinking about it, and it is so painful.
Two is a family visit and situation that happened on the weekend and was really hurtful. I went to my sister’s birthday tea, with my siblings and parents. My son also was there in the second half. I was observing what happens when I go see them, as I’m trying to figure it out and explain it to Ron. There is a lot of polite chat about prescribed topics – the garden, the food, and a drama festival they go to every year. No one ever talks about anything personal – I guess it seems too risky. I don’t mean deep and emotional, but even just – I got a flat tire on the way over, or I bought something or other – nothing personal ever. I noticed I sometimes bring in something personal, but it puts me in a one down position, because it tends to be something awkward. For instance, my brother talked about his research (not how he feels about his work, or anything that happened to him there, but his research), and it reminded me of a system that I ran foul of in my first job, years ago. So I told that story, and laughed about it. But in my family’s eyes, it likely looked like one more way I screwed up.
Anyway, that wasn’t the upsetting part. The upsetting part was when they stopped all the chat, and started telling me about my son, one after the other (this was before my son got there). It was the way they did it, so focused, one after the other, all telling me how awful my son is. And because it’s true he’s not functioning at all really, I just sat there and didn’t say much. They said how he doesn’t relate to them, he is in bed most of the time, etc., etc., ‘completely hopeless’. Because he’s living with my parents, they bear the brunt of this. I know it’s hard, when you don’t know what to do. But my siblings don’t have that excuse – they don’t live with him at all. They just all felt free to dump on me and him.
It’s pretty unusual for my family to talk about anything real. This was real, but it was overwhelming. I felt so awful, sitting there while they told me all this. No one seemed to have compassion, though I know my parents are very worried. No one had anything even slightly good to say about him.
I suppose they think I should do something. Do they think I didn’t lecture him enough? He has refused to see almost everyone I’ve suggested and offered to pay for. He’s ditched his family doctor and has not yet found a replacement. I don’t see what I can do except worry and keep visiting him. My family is not big on compassion. I want to tell them, especially my siblings, just try and relate to him, instead of trying to fix him. He will talk, if you stop lecturing him.
So, I got really afraid when they were all talking. Then my son came down, and they immediately switched back to the flowers, the cake, and the drama festival.
My sister has found some social worker that works with families of the ‘mentally ill’. She didn’t say those words at the time. My mother, and maybe I, are supposed to go see him. I don’t want my son plugged into the mental illness system. They put you on mega drugs, then sign you up for disability, and that’s it, you’re desperately poor for the rest of your life.
Of course my family totally believes in mental illness, that’s it’s all biology, and has nothing to do with a person’s past or circumstances. Someone’s broken, they want him fixed with medical science. I don’t share this belief.
I wrote Ron about this, and he didn’t reply, as I didn’t ask for a reply, because I’d just emailed him the day before and asked for a reply. Anyway. There’s not much he can say. But I do feel terribly alone. There seems to be no one on my side.
I am terribly angry with my siblings. I feel like cutting them out of my life, not that they’re in it much – we just see each other at these family functions. Where were they when Karl was a child and I was struggling so? Too busy to pay him any attention whatsoever. Now they sit in judgement.
I’m continuing with metta practice though, and switching out caffeine for chamomile, and it all helps some.