I wonder if I need to just discuss everyday life in therapy, and leave parts aside for now. We spend most of the session talking about my life anyway. Could be Ron has better insights on that.
Again I make no small talk to start, and don’t ask Ron how he is. It’s easier, but also, I feel more disonnected. I just launch into my own story. I know he’s listening and stuff. I am kind of lacking the sense that anyone is there though. It’s as if I’m talking to myself. I’m simply using Ron as a sounding board.
We talk about an encounter I had with my parents. How when I went to pick up my son, my father made me a cup of tea while i was waiting. How he wouldn’t sit down with me and talk. As soon as he had the tea, he dashed off to do some task. Then he came back, sat down, then told me I should tell my mother I was there. Which I obediently went and did, and then spent time talking to her.
My father is usually quite social, but since my son has been living there, I feel like he won’t talk to me. It reminds me of the time when he froze me out when I was a child, and it really upsets me. It’s like there’s some huge thing he’s not saying, and he wants to get out of being alone with me for even a few minutes. He has this kind of blank inhuman look in his eyes it seems to me.
Then I talked to my mother, out on the porch. She told me how worried she is about my son, and I listen, and say how grateful I am that he can live with them. I don’t know what else to say – I don’t know how to help him.
Then I took my son to the local coffee shop. He won’t talk much at my parents’ house, so I always take him out. We have a good conversation. It’s new, that he wants to talk to me. He tells me he had a fight with my sister, and we talk about that.
I feel upset from seeing my father when I go home, and find I can’t sleep. Ron tries to figure out what goes wrong. Could I ask him to sit with me and talk, ask him how things are going with my son, for instance? I think about it. I guess I could have tried that. I feel defensive when I see my family – kind of on the lookout for badness. And I’d had in mind how I was trying to be more straightforward with them, as discussed in therapy.
We don’t get much further with it. Ron looks concerned about my son but has nothing to suggest either. Not that I expect him to. We’ve all tried of ways to help and come up with nothing.
I talk about how in my family, my father has always been in complete control. Everything that happens is done to please him. For instance, if there is a family dinner, it’s very important for everyone to do lots of work, help with dishes and cooking and so on, and my father kind of keeps track of who is doing what. My sister is more a part of this whole deal, and when she comes over, she starts gardening right away, as that is a huge obsession for him. No one goes over to sit and talk.
Mostly I don’t help much. I wish the meals could just be simpler, better planned, so there is not so much work. Their elaborate flower garden isn’t really my concern, IMO. I am tired, and I don’t want to go there to work. Plus, I don’t like feeling controlled, and needing to produce in order to satisfy my father. Dealing with the people is enough for me.
We also talk about the meeting with my boss. I say I have major anxiety about him, but that nothing has gone wrong. He is kind. We don’t have much contact anyway. I worry I was so depressed at the meeting, it would have effected him. Ron says how? I say just my energy, it was so low. Ron nods, yes, that can happen.
And that’s about it. Nothing earth shaking. Sometimes I wonder if I actually have parts. Maybe they’re ego states? Because I don’t have the other problems people with parts often have – self-harm, eating disorders, addictions, hospital admissions, suicide attempts. I don’t have any of those. Maybe I have ego states, which are giving me problems, but are not as serious as a dissociative disorder would be? Then also, it would make sense that Ron doesn’t treat parts the way you would for DID.
Anyway. Just trying to cope today. I’ve started doing metta practice instead of mindfulness meditation. I think it’s helping. It’s supposed to be good for trauma. With mindfulness meditation, I just seem to sink more into the pain of it, and it gets counter productive. Metta is more like an antidote. I’ve been reading about it. It’s supposed to feel good. Or kind of. Wishing ourselves well can also bring up the opposite emotions, that are already there. That’s normal though apparently. I’ve never heard it talked about like this before, and it’s interesting. I’m going to try and do fifteen minutes morning and night. I can surely use an antidote to self-hatred and pain.
The other good / interesting thing is I’ve got new coffee buddies at work. I struggle so much with feelings of isolation, but two different people reached out to me and suggested coffee, and so I’ve gone a few times with both, individually. It’s lovely to sit and listen to other people’s stories. One woman has issues with her boss. The other one is like me, doing her own project, which is building a computer monitoring system, so she told me all about that. She is frighteningly intelligent. In a good way.
I am hoping to slowly become less isolated. Metta practice is supposed to help you be more appealing to others also, making it easier to love and be loved. Hope so.