I had a meeting with my boss today. I am super anxious about bosses. He is a director, which is a higher level boss than I’ve had before. It was a working meeting, with me asking questions about my document.
So he is nice. He has a PhD in physics. He doesn’t act ‘smart’, he’s very low key and pretty focused. He doesn’t speak ‘management’ which so many corporate types do. And he sympathizes with wanting to write plainly and clearly, so more than the regulators will read. At least we make that possible.
So I am very grateful he has this attitude, so different from the other boss. And the meeting went longer than an hour, and he used up half his lunch hour so we could finish up.
And I didn’t even thank him for that, which I should have. I was feeling depressed. I felt badly dressed. I felt really really boring. It can be kind of boring to have to answer so many questions about a document. I felt like I was just not the right person somehow. Like he did like me, before, but now I was deeply disappointing him.
He didn’t do anything at all to make me feel like that. It’s all me. I have so much anxiety about bosses in general. Then, with him, because he has an academic background, I start to feel more at ease with him, because those are the kind of people I grew up around. My father also has a PhD in physics. He is a completely different type of person though.
So basically, all is well. Just, I am beating myself up mercilessly ever since. It feels like Red, the person who seems to physically beat me with sticks. Everything you can imagine is wrong with me according to her. It is quite distressing being beaten up like that. I just have to at least realize it’s happening, and survive it.
I mean to do well but I don’t do well. Like how hard would it have been to thank big boss for extending the meeting for my benefit?
I just hope I can put it aside and sleep tonight. At least there is more to do at work again. I hate running out of things to do – they give me too little work. I can get through about three times what I have in the endless time available.