Ah, the day after therapy. I feel full of tears, but at least I’m moving around. I don’t feel the worst ever. I have been reading about mindfulness again and this morning when I couldn’t get myself to do the dishes, I did a twenty minute mindfulness meditation. Dunno. It can be good, but it can also really plunge me more into the emotions. I think the idea is to keep a frame, that is your breathing or body awareness, around the feelings, so you can hold them, but not be swamped by them. So I was trying to do some of that. And after, I did get the dishes done, so that’s good.
I wish I had one more day, but it’s Sunday, so anything that’s going to get done has to happen today. I want to cook stew for the week, and see my son, whom I didn’t see last weekend. And vacuum. It’s going to be hard.
I’m still listening to mysteries on audio. Sometimes it’s so great to just follow a story and a character, and not focus on your own sorry story.
Weather is so perfect today. I also need to get plants in on my balcony, don’t know if that’s going to happen.
I’m just so sad.
I can’t bear to describe therapy, though it wasn’t earth shattering or anything. More going along the same paths.
My feelings about therapy are on the upswing again. I’ve made some changes, not discussed, just to see if it helps. First, I’ve given up on relating to Ron apart from my therapy, or trying to find out anything about his personal life. The way I was trying to relate was probably dysfunctional, and it feels like a relief to stop. I would simply ask him how he was, to which he always said fine. Sometimes I’d comment on how he looked – i.e. tired, or happy, or was that a new shirt? Or if he’d been away, I’d ask how come. I don’t know. It started to feel intrusive to me. He obviously didn’t want to chat with me. It feels fine not to bother, to simply let the session be all about me. I feel like I’ve stopped prying.
The other change, which I’m sure I’ll probably change again, is no emails between sessions. I usually write them when I’m anxious, rather than sad, and I have been often sad. Plus things in my life are going fairly well. Plus I felt I was damaging our relationship, because I’d continue disagreements we’d had by email. Then getting into the whole will he respond or not feelings – very difficult. So I’m going to leave emails for emergencies for now.
Ron actually did look very tired or out of sorts yesterday. But, I figure that’s his business. I made no comment, started in on my own concerns, and it was OK. If anything, I find he’s a better therapist when he’s not happy.
After the session, I’ve been feeling really cared for. I don’t know what changed on Ron’s end. But I’ve been feeling cared about and heard, and that is worth such a lot to me. Somehow I see at the moment how much caring is there. It’s likely always there, but I can’t see it usually.