Faith

This has been one more weekend where I couldn’t really function.

It’s taking a lot of faith that this therapy is helping me overall. Because I went in, and I had been dealing with anxiety, and the naps after work problem, but I’d been accomplishing things, feeling adult and competent. Then fifty minutes later, I’m awash in grief, and the next few days are spent recovering.

I’m not entirely sure what to make of this. I did ask Ron, just before I left. I said that basically I’d been OK, but now was feeling pretty bad – did he think it was therapeutic. And he said that sometimes someone can be managing, though they’re not really OK, and then….something something….they need to work through feelings. Or something. He basically believes it’s good to work through feelings.

I feel pretty frustrated that I can’t have a life, as the weekend is the only possible time for me to do anything, since working exhausts me. I need to see my son, and keep putting that off. This weekend I didn’t make it out to group, I’ve stopped going to services, and may not get out to see my son. I think the only thing I accomplished was some laundry.

It’s just not clear that this is helping, though it might be. How do I know?

I don’t think Ron understands how disabled I become. He had the one comment several weeks ago about scheduling things for my weekends. I don’t think it’s a matter of schedules – I’m just in so much pain, I can’t do anything.

Anyway. I’m trying to keep the faith.

I’m trying to distract. I have a mystery audio book that I kind of like. And also a mystery on my Kindle. I also have a more literary book on there, which I can see is much better, but it makes me feel bad to read it, so I don’t. Same for music – most music makes me feel worse. I’ve got a DVD series – the Americans, which I am also watching, until it too makes me feel bad.

I don’t ever seriously consider skipping a session, especially closer to the time of it. But they are disabling me. I guess the need to have someone who cares, even for just fifty minutes, is pretty strong.

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15 comments
  1. This is a really difficult one. I had something similar back a couple of years ago when I had to go off sick for six weeks because I really wasn’t functioning. If I ate something more inventive than a cheese toastie or crisps it was an achievement; if I left the house for something other than therapy it was an anomaly. There were a couple of things that had triggered me (but not, like, obvious things, if that makes sense) and I ended up spiralling and therapy just made it worse. And my friends were worried, and were saying things like, “Isn’t therapy supposed to HELP?”, and I ended up feeling like maybe it was all just a waste of time.

    It was horrible for months. But I worked through it, and I think you probably will too, although obviously I don’t have a crystal ball. So, keep the faith. πŸ™‚ The grief…oh, the grief. It is so hard. But it’s there and it needs to be let out, and that’s the thing…letting it out will make it better. It just doesn’t feel like it. And usually it feels way worse for a while. It IS really frustrating. Horrible to hear. But perhaps easier from someone who is in your chair, rather than the one across from you.

    There are still times where I can’t function because of the stuff that it brings up. Sometimes my body makes me that way – I get terrible migraines where I am literally incapacitated. So it still happens.

    I don’t know how useful/appropriate this comment is but I wanted to leave one because I know how it feels. Support winging its way towards you from an internet stranger very far away (and hugs if you want them). x

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks so much blithely. That is so helpful to hear. I am glad things got better for you, and that you think going through this kind of stuff helps. I know that friend comment all too well – if therapy makes you feel bad, why are you going? It’s difficult to explain to people who don’t get it at all.

      Thank you internet stranger – I appreciate your support very much. πŸ™‚ It’s good to know I’m not alone.

  2. I hardly ever do anything at all on my weekends either. It’s not quite the same, because it’s more intentional. I can see what needs to be processed or at least how much of it there is and I can see that the week will be a lot more pleasant if it gets done before Monday and I just kind of surrender to it. Having a solid chunk of time to do it in really helps, so that I don’t have to drag things out of myself and then try to put them away again, then drag them out. But then I do end up needing to do more during the week which is sometimes okay and sometimes isn’t. The weeks are actually getting easier. This weekend, I didn’t do anything at all except eat and bathe. i didn’t do laundry. I didn’t clean the house. I didn’t buy vegetables. I didn’t go shopping for the rest of the new outfit I want to wear on Tuesday.

    Is there better communication inside? Maybe that’s the yardstick. It’s going to take a long time before the feelings get easier to deal with–it was six months before it didn’t seem like climbing Mt. Everest to buy vegetables after work–but can you access your feelings better via parts?

    Take care.

    • Ellen said:

      So we had similar weekends. Alas. I’d feel better if it were more intentional for me I think, though you never know. I think a contrast to your own processing, at least from what you post, is that you are tending to know more what’s going on. I feel that I don’t really, except in a general sense that I had a bad childhood, and there was abuse in there somewhere. But maybe it’s the same principle of allowing feelings space when it was never safe to feel them before.

      There is better communication with parts for me. I can hear them better, and their feelings are more clear. So that might be a good sign. And I used to be depressed all the time, though not as severely, and now it’s more at certain times/days. Your comment about climbing Mt Everest is spot on – that’s what it feels like sometimes, trying to do some simple task.

      Thank you.

      • There was a point when I realized I could set aside the time on purpose or I would just feel really sick and it would be set aside for me because I felt too sick to do anything. That was about ten years ago.

        I do have a clearer idea of what’s happening and it’s faster now to understand why I feel the way I do. It used to be really effortful to know. I think it is the same principal, like you say. Eventually, it seems like things start to come together.

  3. I so get not being able to do things on the weekends and I dread when things are planned because yes, it takes everything I have to get through the work week. And I can’t even think to post and I don’t know if I’m doing good or bad. I must be fine LoL.
    Faith is good. I’m holding on to faith as well. πŸ’œπŸ’œ

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you AG. Sorry you have similar issues.

  4. Rachel said:

    It is such a helpless feeling to not know if what you’re doing is helping or harming, or how to “feel better”. I think that therapy isn’t the problem, it is just the mirror for the problem. So it seems like it is the problem. When really, all of the underlying issues would be there and manifest in some other way if therapy wasn’t there. At least that is what I believe. My problems existed before therapy, and will continue afterwards if I can’t resolve them. I think feeling bad is just part of the process, as unsatisfying as the simplistic explanation is. I think you’re doing the best you can, and that you will feel differently in the future if you stick with the process. I do believe that. And I think cultivating compassion for yourself when you aren’t able to do the things you had hoped to on the weekend is also important. There is a reason why you’re exhausted and shut down and incapacitated, it isn’t just because you’re a failure or not trying. Take care. xx

    • Ellen said:

      It is a helpless feeling. I’m now on the upswing again, but therapy is coming up, so I’ll be heading back down soon. Sigh. You are so right though – therapy is really truly not the problem, though it sure feels like it is sometimes.

      Thank you Rachel for the encouragement. xox

      • Rachel said:

        I think over time, the periods of feeling better will grow longer and the periods of feeling bad after therapy will shorten. As the old stuff gets worked through. At least that is what I hope for all of us :). You are welcome. xx

  5. Cat said:

    It takes me all my time to function on a day to day basis and sometimes I fall short of that. When we are processing so much, it will often take the wind from our sail, that must be difficult when you have work and, of course, trying to see your son weekends. Are you due any holiday time?

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, it is difficult, though I do pull it together pretty well for work, most days. After work though, I pay the price. Sorry you struggle similarly. I can take time off work anytime, but I don’t get paid for holidays, so I’m reluctant. I’m still recovering from being unemployed for almost three months earlier in the year. But – I could take time if I wanted to. Thank you Cat.

  6. I have this problem after therapy many timws too. It can take a few days (sometimes the entire two weeks between my sessions) to process, recover. It’s the therapy hangover. Be kind to yourself during these times, because it’s totally normal. If you had an alcohol fueled hangover after a crazy party, you’d take care of yourself the next day. This is the same in a lot of ways, just emotions. Reading the difference in your posts from even a little while ago, it’s obvious that therapy is helping. You’re dealing with a lot, and you’re making progress. That’s what matters πŸ™‚

    • Ellen said:

      Sorry you have the same issue. My opinion varies, but today I feel therapy is helping me and is worthwhile. Thanks LN

  7. A break from therapy for one week might be just what you need. Just one week and you may feel differently. You might have a new perspective on things. XX

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