This has been one more weekend where I couldn’t really function.
It’s taking a lot of faith that this therapy is helping me overall. Because I went in, and I had been dealing with anxiety, and the naps after work problem, but I’d been accomplishing things, feeling adult and competent. Then fifty minutes later, I’m awash in grief, and the next few days are spent recovering.
I’m not entirely sure what to make of this. I did ask Ron, just before I left. I said that basically I’d been OK, but now was feeling pretty bad – did he think it was therapeutic. And he said that sometimes someone can be managing, though they’re not really OK, and then….something something….they need to work through feelings. Or something. He basically believes it’s good to work through feelings.
I feel pretty frustrated that I can’t have a life, as the weekend is the only possible time for me to do anything, since working exhausts me. I need to see my son, and keep putting that off. This weekend I didn’t make it out to group, I’ve stopped going to services, and may not get out to see my son. I think the only thing I accomplished was some laundry.
It’s just not clear that this is helping, though it might be. How do I know?
I don’t think Ron understands how disabled I become. He had the one comment several weeks ago about scheduling things for my weekends. I don’t think it’s a matter of schedules – I’m just in so much pain, I can’t do anything.
Anyway. I’m trying to keep the faith.
I’m trying to distract. I have a mystery audio book that I kind of like. And also a mystery on my Kindle. I also have a more literary book on there, which I can see is much better, but it makes me feel bad to read it, so I don’t. Same for music – most music makes me feel worse. I’ve got a DVD series – the Americans, which I am also watching, until it too makes me feel bad.
I don’t ever seriously consider skipping a session, especially closer to the time of it. But they are disabling me. I guess the need to have someone who cares, even for just fifty minutes, is pretty strong.