I will just post even though nothing is clear. I tried writing out my therapy session long hand, and it just stressed me out to do that.
I believe I’m working through grief. I felt sad for most of today. Sometimes I teeter off again into numbness, that glass wall feeling, but then I get back to sadness again. Ron said in my session he thinks I may be working through a lot of grief for a lost childhood. He didn’t say this, but I know it, that I hadn’t really been realizing the damage done.
I slipped back into the past at the very end of my session. Usually the first two thirds of it are taken up by my adult concerns. Then parts get turns. All parts that spoke were pretty sad. Then I started to see images of our old apartment in European country, the balcony, the courtyard where I ran around with other kids, how I loved being out with the kids. And I was crying as I was talking about this. Ron said maybe I’m crying because I’m remembering a good time, before the trauma, before my father ‘went crazy’. I so want this to be true. I know that’s not it, but I don’t say it. I think with parts, they have different tracks, where the visually remembered things on one track are not the things causing the emotion, though the images may be from the same time period, just related that way. I think that’s what happens. So I don’t know what was so sad, when the visual stuff she was talking about were happy.
I’ve been having a problem again this past week that I hadn’t had for a while – the ‘naps from hell’ problem. Every day I get home from work and feel unbearably weighed down and sleepy. I go to sleep, and wake up so down, down in a deep and dark well, and it takes hours to get back to functional again. I seem OK at work – I don’t feel particularly depressed there, even though there’s nothing for me to do, and that has made me depressed in the past. It’s just when I get home, I fall into this state.
I tell Ron I think it’s something to do with dissociation – maybe I cut off all other parts and bad feelings, and then they come crashing in on me when I get home? He asks if I feel depressed that I’m home by myself. I tell him no. We don’t get any further with this – I’m not sure it’s dissociation, and if it is, what to do about it.
I tell Ron I feel we argued last time, and that it upset me. He said what did we argue about? I say I don’t want to get into it. I know it would be the same argument, and even to go near it makes me feel sick, so I don’t.
Ron says I seemed to feel that he didn’t understand me and couldn’t help me. So I say yeah, but then, who really understands all about someone else anyway? He understands some things. Ron says to help him understand more. I say no, it’s OK. Anyway, I’ll speak up as we go if he’s getting it wrong, since I don’t seem to have any trouble doing that.
We also talk about how for me, it feels like Ron could turn on me entirely because of an argument, that our relationship could be over. I agree with that. I do feel that. Even though I know in my mind, it’s therapy, and he’s likely always trying to help me, but emotionally, I feel he dislikes me now. Anyway, I just don’t feel like discussing any more. I actually do believe my arguing words make an impact on Ron, and that he is not entirely honest when he says they don’t. However, I know it’s not as serious on his side as it is for me, and that in a week’s time, he’s probably over the resentment or irritation.
I still don’t have huge amounts of trust that he has knowledge about trauma. However, since we are no longer triggering it off, I’m not being thrown into shut down, so it doesn’t seem so urgent for him to understand. He is very able to make a connection, to care, and not to judge parts. I’ve been to various therapists at this point, and just because they are educated about trauma, doesn’t mean they can help me. I really didn’t connect to any of them very much. I never knew you could honestly discuss how you felt about them or therapy – that’s totally new to me. It makes a big difference. Plus, it could be I don’t connect well to women, and most of these other therapists were women. I do have a connection to Ron, good or bad, he always affects me.
So this weekend, I’ve been sad. I haven’t accomplished much, but I haven’t shut down. I hope tomorrow I’ll be able to do more again.