I noticed in my pros and cons list of last post, the cons were I statements, the cons were you statements. I wasn’t even aware of that choice of pronoun yesterday. Interesting. I identify the most with the part who wants to stay home – the other part feels parental, nagging, like it’s telling me stuff for my own good. Amazing I didn’t notice this at the time.
It was good to go to the meeting, though going was hard and didn’t feel great. There were a lot of people there. For the first half, I sat next to a woman who took off her shoes, sneakers, with dirty socks, and the smell was so bad! Sigh. At break, I was able to change my seat and my nose got more comfortable. There are all sorts attending – some working, some not, some disabled, some functioning really well, others not so much. It was good to hear others talk about their struggles. You start to realize that so many are struggling and in pain, it’s not just you.
Because there were so many there, people jumped in as soon as the last person stopped talking. To me it always feels a bit disrespectful – someone is pouring their heart out, then jumping in the second they finish – like you were just waiting for them to finish so you could get on with your own issues. Because of this, it came time to close the meeting and I still hadn’t had a chance to share. They ask if anyone really needs to share, first, so I said I did. That felt pretty good, advocating for myself a bit. I just talked maybe three minutes – I didn’t hold up the group too much.
After, two people talked to me. One guy who told me what he’d done to improve his therapy. I didn’t think we had too much in common, but didn’t say so, just thanked him. He was so eager to help me! Then another woman, whom I exchanged phone numbers with. She said she’d been touched by what I’d shared. I really felt like crying at that point, just holding back the tears, so I didn’t talk to her much, but I thanked her, and we hugged. I felt she was so kind. She said she’ll be away for the next few weeks, but she’ll call me when she can.
One benefit of having gone to group therapy is I am able to share what’s happening for me in the moment regarding the group. It’s like a secret weapon – I never knew you could do that before the therapy. So there had been some conflict at the start of the group regarding procedure, which I didn’t take part in, and I mentioned the conflict and what it brought up for me. I also talked about how I’d been feeling about not having the chance to share in the group. It felt pretty good to just say those things, not have to pretend the group experience wasn’t happening.
Another somewhat rough session with better patches thrown in. I am so afraid of losing this therapy. Not that I’m afraid Ron will kick me out, but that I’ll determine it’s not right for me. I want to stay with Ron and heal with him. But, it might not be possible. We are in a struggle. I’ll blog the session next post.