Well, I’m having a bad time. I was pushing through this weekend, determined not to collapse, and yes, I got to group yesterday and did do a bunch of stuff. Maybe the group triggered me? I guess while it’s sometimes good to sit with others who are going through stuff, it can also bring up extra helpings of your own crap.
I had another argument with Ron in my session Friday and it left me kind of upset. I then sent him an email about it, which he didn’t reply to. As I didn’t take that step of asking for a response.
I was trying to explain about shutting down – how I kind of freeze, and then spend hours lying down. And he was saying…..I should fight against the shutting down. After all, I am able to show up at work consistently, and come to see him, so just keep doing that for other aspects of my life.
So I tried to explain about how too much trauma stuff makes me shut down automatically. And he was basically saying i shouldn’t be afraid to feel things, because that was what would heal me. He didn’t get the concept of it happens automatically – I don’t control that.
I think part of the problem was I was not being clear about the auto shut-down, freeze response, that happens to me when I get triggered, vs. the depression where I shut down my feelings, and don’t do much of anything. I just wish I didn’t have to fight him so much. Then we got into how I think a lot of his clients can’t feel stuff, they don’t want to, as per his group members, while I don’t really have that problem, my problem is more I get overwhelmed. So while he has to encourage those types of clients to feel, I don’t have that problem exactly. Which he didn’t agree with. He stuck to the idea that I need to feel the trauma, and implied that I’m not wanting to feel it because I’m scared of the pain.
I wish I wouldn’t dig in with him like this. Because I think mostly we do agree. Just about a few things, we don’t. But then I focus on those few things in a wish to change his point of view, which is not going to happen is it.
We did move on to other things after that though. A lot of stuff about trying not to shut down, so I can do more on the weekends. Which I took to heart, and I did do more yesterday, but today felt more and more hollow and unreal, and finally, now I’ve had some gross flashbacks so was back to lying down. They are so awful I don’t want to be alive.
I don’t know how to take care of them, but I have to try. It is like another part of me is remembering by re-experiencing, and I have to try to take care somehow.
About the session – I myself would not argue with my own clients like this, I really wouldn’t. Admittedly, dealing with bankers is different from being a therapist. However, they mostly want to do stuff I don’t agree with, but after stating my own opinion, I start trying to figure out how to give them what they want. There’s so much I don’t know about their world – the organization, the politics, the history. I used to argue more as a younger writer, but I have stopped, because I realized, I’m not the expert on what they need.
At the same time, I’m very fond of Ron. He’s been so kind. He’s replied to so many of my emails. He’s been willing to sit with me in the worst pain. He’s been non-defensive when I get mad at him, over and over. I just plain like him. He’s never condescending. He believes whole-heartedly in what he’s doing. Even monetarily – he’s never raised my hourly rate, even though I know his fees have gone up.
Anyway, in the session. We didn’t have time for much else. B and V got some time right at the end.
Oh, I did say at one point I felt bad we’d been fighting. To which Ron said it’s fine – I get to disagree if I want to. Which was reassuring at the time.
I guess I’m doing therapy ‘wrong’. Really wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.