I just don’t want to fall into another depression like after my last two sessions. I went yesterday evening for therapy this week. I slept very badly after, and had a godawful day at work today. Could be the awfulness is mostly in my mind – I’m not sure. I had literally nothing to do until the afternoon, when I had a meeting, so I was trying to fill a lot of time, while my whole being was screaming to go home and lie down. I felt like a complete alien in the big city. I work in a highrise right in the middle of the city, and underneath is a mall with very shiny tiles and mirrors and lots of lights. I go down there for breaks, to get a coffee and sit somewhere else for a while. That’s where the alien feeling kicked in big time – like I had maybe an extra limb coming out of my forehead. I started feeling unreal and inhuman. Sometimes that can happen, with too little sleep, no tasks to do, but the need to keep my chair warm at work to pull in my hourly rate.
Plus yes, I feel bad after the session. It’s still unclear to me why that happens. We didn’t explicitly work on trauma stuff.
And, I had a first meeting with my new boss in the afternoon. I like him, and I like his approach better than my old boss’. But I feel like I was just oozing depression. At one point he gave me such a sharp look, I wondered if I was acting strangely. But, I’m trying to take hold of my thoughts. The big picture is, OK, my mood was very depressed and I try not to let that be visible, but I don’t think I succeed. However. Nothing bad happened at the meeting. I like his approach, it’s more in line with how I like to work. He is soft spoken and basically nice. So, that’s what I need to focus on. I really want to stop my mind from running wild with fears and sad thoughts. I do wish I could have had this meeting on a day other than the day after therapy. However.
I’m chilling with a glass of red wine, and it’s helping me calm down. Lucky I don’t find alcohol addictive – I can see how it could be. At least that’s one problem I do not have. So far. Cue spooky music! Maybe that problem is just around the corner…
I wonder if part of my trouble after therapy is the relationship itself. Ron has been saying it’s maybe the parts, or my feelings about being in parts, or that parts in themselves are traumatic somehow.
Today, I’m feeling it’s something about him and me that causes me to feel depressed. I don’t feel I trust him that much. I do trust him with parts, so it’s odd I don’t trust him otherwise. I do talk to him, but I don’t feel that comfortable talking to him. I can’t believe he’s really interested, so I don’t talk at length. Then there are often parts pushing up, wanting time, so that’s uncomfortable. At the same time, I value my fifty minutes, and don’t want to waste any. I hate that I only have fifty minutes – it seems so very short. Then I start missing him half way through the session, because I’ll have to leave shortly, which seems so sad and hopeless. So I both don’t trust, plus am desperate to connect, but then connection seems to elude me anyway. Maybe it would continue to, no matter how long I stayed? Is connection magic that happens for some and not others?
If connection is a matter of sharing emotion, then I can see the trouble. For me, most of my emotions are held in parts. So when I discuss problems as myself, I don’t feel the emotions attached to that problem unless I switch it seems. So maybe I’m not feeling connected as myself for that reason? I have often felt very connected to Ron after switching into a part, and that part crying and telling her story.
Well – I am so very glad to be at home again. I need to rest, and not have to face the world until I can knit myself back together, with a proper skin boundary in place to keep bad stuff out and good stuff in.