Ah, the lovely coolness of air-conditioning on my back. It’s hot and humid here, summer come early. Though I like the sun as much as anyone, I suffer from the heat, and when I finally allow myself to turn on that AC, it does feel nice.
Yesterday’s therapy was better again. It still left me with a massive therapy hangover, but at least I am not blaming Ron for it. I hope I’m actually processing feelings from my past, when I can’t function properly, and spend hours lying down staring out the window. One of my problems with therapy at the moment is I can’t tell if I’m getting anywhere, or simply being triggered over and over.
The first part of the session, we discussed my concerns about therapy. I wondered what had happened last time to make me depressed all weekend. Ron thought we’d talked about how I was in parts, and how that always disturbs me. I didn’t particularly remember that part of the session. Anyway, I said, I feel like I’m accepting being in parts, but that he isn’t as much. I mentioned that B hadn’t been talking, because he seemed to think it was a waste of time talking to her, because she chats. We talked about processing trauma, how I didn’t think that it had helped me, when we’d done this in the past. And how from what I’d read, you’re supposed to try and process trauma a little at a time, instead of being overwhelmed by it as I tend to be. Ron sat back, and said, well, he’s never seen anyone who is actually able to do that, because trauma tends to emerge in one piece. That of course, if it could be done, it would make a lot of sense to tackle it a bit at a time.
Then he said that by processing it while he’s there, it’s different from the original experience, because I’m no longer alone with it. So I said that yes, that’s true, and it’s a good thing, but that then I have to leave his office, and it’s not like it stops, it keeps going, and it’s awful.
But, I felt better about the whole thing after talking about it. At least he’s making some kind of sense. Then I asked about his theory of therapy, as I like to know what I’m trying to accomplish. So he said, there are three axes. The first is processing the trauma. The second is trying to develop a better relationship with myself, and among parts. And the third is trying to make changes to my environment, so I’d see the world as a more welcoming place / interact more helpfully with others like my family or at work.
I didn’t say so, but I really don’t interact with my family, though I see them briefly now and then. It’s like an emotional cut-off. I think I probably have way better skills now at relating to people, but since there are no really close people in my world, I don’t get much chance to practice. It’s odd Ron thinks I’m interacting with my family.
Then the session becomes much more about parts, and rational discussion falls away. V and B both get to say their piece. V is very depressed and angry. B tells Ron about the great treat she got at Starbucks, and a new colouring book. And I half remember some kind of scenario where I am small, and my mother is angry with me, while I’m standing in the kitchen, my head about the height of the top of the oven door. I feel like a bad girl. I remember the feelings, but that’s all that comes clear.
We discuss a dream I’d had that morning, of being lost in an underground mall, asking for help from a group of teenagers, and trying to find my way, while the ceiling might be collapsing. It’s V’s dream, and she cries and gets upset about it.
And we discussed my mother. She is a very distant person, so it was always hard to feel she cared. And, I ask, how could she not have known about the abuse, when it happened to a child so young? How was that even possible? I feel angry with her for not really caring – it was always about doing all her tasks, cooking the meals, taking care of my father – not caring for how her children really were. I think I didn’t really know you could have feelings, when I was young, in a way, because no feelings were ever labelled or talked about. Feelings were to be suppressed as fast as possible, unless they were feelings of mild contentment I suppose.
So, I’m not sure what it was, but something in the session really threw me, and I’ve been very lethargic ever since. And sad I suppose.
I felt like Ron was much more serious and took the parts seriously this session. I could tell he was trying to respond authentically, not dismissing anything. He supported me in my feelings about my mother. Yes, she should have cared in a more human way.
That’s all I can bear to say about it for now. Again, I’m not clear what it was that upset me so. I wish I knew.