Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. Or if you just read along – that’s good too!
I’m documenting my craziness. I’m aware it’s my craziness. So I spent a very depressed weekend. Saturday I slept a lot, or dozed, or something. It was as if I was immobilized. I didn’t go to my group either. I know when I’m that depressed, first of all there’s not a lot of motivation to get my ass downtown. But second, I feel I repel people somewhat. It’s something I give off I suppose. And I knew I couldn’t handle no one saying hello, and I wouldn’t be able to reach out, and the whole thing would make me feel worse, so I stayed home.
Today was similar, but with more moving around. Just this deep sense of hopelessness and depression. So around five, I emailed Ron. I said some of the things I’m concerned about, plus how depressed I was feeling. A fairly short email. And then I had another nap. And since waking up, I’ve been feeling better. Like coming out of a fog.
Nothing has changed. I still have all the same concerns about therapy, about whether it’s going anywhere, about how to handle trauma. I’m still old, and unlikely to be able to heal much before I’m too old to have a life. But – it doesn’t seem overwhelmingly dark and awful anymore. It seems workable.
I don’t really get what’s happened. Ron did not reply to my email. As I didn’t ask for a reply, he’s unlikely to bother responding. Anyway, he must think I’m insane, even for a therapy client. Up and down, in despair and then OK again?
I wonder if just expressing something to the person concerned helped me. Even though he didn’t respond or reassure me in any way.
It feels as if I was ill, and the fever has broken. It always seems to me as if I can feel the edges of things again. Not sure what that means, but it’s as if the world has become embodied again perhaps, no longer lost in the fog? Whatever has happened, I’m grateful for it. Lost in the fog is a crappy place to be.