Fever

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. Or if you just read along – that’s good too!

I’m documenting my craziness. I’m aware it’s my craziness. So I spent a very depressed weekend. Saturday I slept a lot, or dozed, or something. It was as if I was immobilized. I didn’t go to my group either. I know when I’m that depressed, first of all there’s not a lot of motivation to get my ass downtown. But second, I feel I repel people somewhat. It’s something I give off I suppose. And I knew I couldn’t handle no one saying hello, and I wouldn’t be able to reach out, and the whole thing would make me feel worse, so I stayed home.

Today was similar, but with more moving around. Just this deep sense of hopelessness and depression. So around five, I emailed Ron. I said some of the things I’m concerned about, plus how depressed I was feeling. A fairly short email. And then I had another nap. And since waking up, I’ve been feeling better. Like coming out of a fog.

Nothing has changed. I still have all the same concerns about therapy, about whether it’s going anywhere, about how to handle trauma. I’m still old, and unlikely to be able to heal much before I’m too old to have a life. But – it doesn’t seem overwhelmingly dark and awful anymore. It seems workable.

I don’t really get what’s happened. Ron did not reply to my email. As I didn’t ask for a reply, he’s unlikely to bother responding. Anyway, he must think I’m insane, even for a therapy client. Up and down, in despair and then OK again?

I wonder if just expressing something to the person concerned helped me. Even though he didn’t respond or reassure me in any way.

It feels as if I was ill, and the fever has broken. It always seems to me as if I can feel the edges of things again. Not sure what that means, but it’s as if the world has become embodied again perhaps, no longer lost in the fog? Whatever has happened, I’m grateful for it. Lost in the fog is a crappy place to be.

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18 comments
  1. I know that fever has broken feeling- i was there a bit then- not, recently.

    • Ellen said:

      Sorry you too experience this, though the broken part of it is good….Thanks for commenting strangelings

  2. Rachel said:

    Glad you are feeling better – way to work through a tough weekend!

  3. Describing the feeling as being lost in a fog and coming out again sounds familiar to me. I am glad you are feeling a bit better. The up and down roller coaster feeling is fairly common to those in therapy. I used to complain about my craziness until my son worked on a psychiatric ward for his rotations. He came home and hugged me and told me how ‘normal’ I was and continue to be. Parts are difficult and frustrating and scary and isolating but not the craziest thing that is encountered by therapist. I also felt that my counselor was bored/tired/frustrated with working with me. He stayed with me for 7 years. It really is hard some days. I have read your blog for quite a while. To me, by my perspective, I see a lot of progress. I know that for you it probably doesn’t feel that way being in the middle of it all. I am cheering for you from my computer hoping you find what you are looking for in your journey. Take care, Ruth

    • Ellen said:

      I love when you share your stories Ruth, so interesting. Re craziness – it’s true, I’m on top of it – my mind works fine. And I do not self harm in any obvious ways. So it could be worse.

      Yep, some days are rough, especially the days right after therapy! I’m encouraged you see progress because I’m not seeing a lot right now. However, onwards and upwards. Thank you Ruth.

  4. Cat said:

    Hi Ellen… I think we all experience similar ‘craziness’, but it’s good to be open. I’m pleased you emailed Ron. I wonder if not speaking our mind reminds us in some way of CH. It’s similar to what I was saying the other day about whenever I feel distance with someone, it triggers the CH memories and usually plunges me into a “fog” like state. Maybe this helped you feel better once you sent that email. Do you think you will discuss it further with Ron this week?

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for being pleased I emailed Ron. Sometimes I feel so needy, but sometimes it’s just good to try and get what we need. You could be on to something about not speaking reminds us of childhood. I was almost completely silent for a lot of mine. I’m sure I will discuss this with Ron when I see him Saturday. I wish I could discuss it with him right now….could be by Saturday, I’ll no longer wish to talk about it.

      Thank you Cat.

  5. Also, I think it’s possible to start to have a life sooner than you might think. You’re in a really different place now, where you can acknowledge parts. That was a big, hard step, and it means that now you can take care of them and address their needs so the healing can begin in earnest. It’s just that Ron isn’t enough for that healing to take place. He’s one piece of things. Thinking about what the pieces are going to need to be is really crucial too. It’s good you’re doing it. I hope you get some answers to that soon.

    • Ellen said:

      That’s a real hopeful way of looking at it Ashana. It is true – knowing about parts is huge. And I’m knowing it to a greater extent now, whereas I used to go in and out of knowing. Yes, Ron isn’t enough. I wish he knew more about parts, but he doesn’t. Maybe parts are different for everyone, so he can’t know that much. But he just seems to forget a lot of times that this parts is my issue, and starts doing therapy on me, when the problem is coming from parts. Anyhow. I need to think of other things that can help as you say. Thank you.

      • I think there’s a theoretical underpinning to psychodynamic therapy that is just incompatible with working with parts. It assumes a whole and that everything else is something you are rejecting because it’s not acceptable to you, and yet it’s clearly not that simple. There may always be a way he doesn’t get it, but its also possible he can be helpful to you for a while. The relationship is an important part of things even if you don’t always see eye-to-eye about your healing. I know i got more out of therapy when I expected less of it. Anyway, I hope you find a path that works for you. It seems like you are starting to.

  6. Glad you’re feeling a bit out of the fog. What do you think has changed regarding therapy that you are contemplating quitting?

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you. I’m not thinking of quitting at this point, though I was after the last session. I’m not quite sure what happens to me – I feel massively let down somehow, and I start thinking Ron doesn’t know what he’s doing with dissociation. But the feelings pass, and then I go back.

  7. Hi … I certainly see your concerns around therapy… I have been in therapy now for 8 years, seeing him 3 days a week and there have been times where the work was so hard that I wondered if therapy was making me worse or better .. but I explored that with my therapist and him and I have a GREAT relationship .. we work together so well as a team that whenever we question anything in therapy at all, we talk about it together and work hard on the relationship together .. that is how I am still there at 8 years, because I trust it and I keep moving forward in this great work!

    My therapist and I used to email each other all the time .. he would send me emails to check in on how I was doing .. it was nice, but I took that out of the the therapy work because I found it was getting in the way of our work.. it created a confusing part to the therapeutic relationship and I felt it was TOO much connection … so now instead of emailing, if I really need to lean in for support, I will send him a quick text and he will check in and text me back .. but I am very careful with that, I only lean in when I really need it , because I like the healing and the work to be inside therapy and not so much outside.. so maybe you should look into maybe taking the therapy back into the therapy room and leave the emails out for a while? maybe he is getting too many versions of what is going on so that when he see’s you, he doesn’t know where or what to connect to? it’s a thought .. it has done wonders for me.

    Don’t give up quite yet .. sometimes it’s the hardest moments that push at us to quit, but its in those times the most healing can happen.

    • Ellen said:

      Hi Karen – Good to hear you are finding therapy so valuable.

      Interesting your T would initiate contact. Mine would never do that. He mostly doesn’t reply to my emails either, unless I request a reply. I can see how there could be too much connection, when you see him three times a week especially. For me, I just find that a whole week is too long for me to sit with something – the anxiety of it is just overwhelming. Sometimes an email, especially with a response, can help a lot with that. If I stop the emails, I’ll have nothing to help me, so it’s not appealing at all.

      Thanks for the encouragement. We are back on a more even keel again now.

  8. manyofus1980 said:

    Lost in the fog is certainly a crap way to have to spend your days! But you sounded hopeful in this post. Happy to hear your feeling a little better at least. It will get easier! xx

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