Therapy was not great this week. I’ve been thinking again that I’m not getting anywhere, wondering if I should quit. I feel like Ron doesn’t understand my situation and that we’re not really on the same page. Which is a depressing thought in itself. He’s my only real life confidant, so if I lose him, I lose an awful lot. But – is it enough to buy a friendly listening ear?
The session yesterday didn’t ever go anywhere much. I was trying to feel something, complete with tingling top of head and feet, but it never became any clearer. I mentioned how awful I’d felt after work on Thursday, and Ron asked me what I felt were off the point types of questions – why did I feel that, did I feel lonely? I mean, why would I suddenly feel suicidal because of a long term problem like loneliness? Wouldn’t I then feel like that most of the time? So I told him the things I wrote about in a previous post on this, about work. He had nothing to say about that.
He never asked me about my anxiety of last week, which we’d discussed the last session, and about which I’d written him two long emails. It was as if he felt maybe that his explanation, it’s only feelings from the past, was the last word, and since I’d still gone on about the situation in the present, he didn’t want to know any more.
Oh, and he asked me if I ever play. That I’m doing what I need to to keep myself alive, but do I play? Which struck me as a ridiculous comment, after four f’ing years of therapy. I told him that would make sense if I was like him, without parts, but I’m not. I don’t have energy to do stuff beyond survival, because there are always these internal scenarios playing out.
Plus, yes, the child part B does play, in a way. At least, she wants to, and I bought her a toy unicorn last week which sits on our night table with a matching sorcerer queen. His comment would make sense applied to parts, but he didn’t mean it that way. He was talking about me. I just feel he has no idea what is going on with me at all.
I talked a bit about my son, how we had quite a nice hour together, but my son is not making any progress.
The whole session, it was difficult for me to talk. Nothing seemed appealing to talk about. Different parts were pushing up for time, but I didn’t feel free to let them have much time, though V did talk. She is a really negative teen aged part. I guess Ron has a difficult time with her – she is not that easy to deal with. She still want to be accepted though, and didn’t feel that this time. Not that Ron didn’t allow space, just, there was no real connection there.
V also wrote Ron an email after the session, pretty short, saying some things she likes. He didn’t respond, which didn’t help matters. I know he mostly just responds if I specifically ask him to, and I didn’t in this email, so there you go. In my current mood, it just seems further proof he doesn’t much care.
In the last five minutes, I remembered about hot warm cold trauma memories. I tried to explain this to Ron, in the context of why I get overwhelmed with the personal training – what comes up is too hot, and I automatically shut it down, and get trapped in various kinds of dissociation, and paralyzed. Ron doesn’t really agree with this way of looking at it. To me, it’s a very important concept altogether for dealing with trauma, but to him, it’s not.
He feels that when the stuff comes up, yes, I shut it down unconsciously. But if I had support to help me feel it, I wouldn’t do that, and it would start to process. Then he went on about his ‘movement room’ where we could try a session to see what comes up for me. Of course, we were going to try this a while ago, but week after week, he couldn’t find a time where it was free for booking. So that idea just got dropped. I don’t know – is he now saying he wants to try booking it again?
Anyway, I don’t trust it. I used to feel as he does – don’t shut things down, just keep feeling them, and they will process. However, it’s been four years. I’ve been triggered into trauma over and over, and yes, left to deal with it by myself, which is no one’s fault, just my circumstances. I’ve lost so many days to being immobilized by the after effects – shock, switching into very young parts, needing to lie down for most days of every weekend. And then, the same thing would happen all over again the next week. I didn’t remember more. Nothing seemed to change.
I’m pretty sure the same thing would happen with his movement room trauma session. He never wants to put the brakes on anything. I’m always the bad guy, hanging back, worried about the fallout when I get home. I’m sure all kinds of trauma stuff would come up for me. The problem is that it doesn’t seem to help. And it sure hurts a lot.
I get that he’s not afraid of the trauma, which I do appreciate. He said we could schedule a session a few days later to talk about what came up. I could take a day or two off work if I needed to. I think a lot of therapists are afraid of trauma. It must be painful to help someone through it.
I don’t trust that this would help me.
In general, I feel like the person who is not trying hard enough. Just like in personal training actually. That Ron thinks I’m hanging back because I’m afraid. Yes, I’m afraid, with good reason. Plus he keeps trying to do therapy on me and ignoring parts, when parts is where my troubling emotions are coming from most of the time. Then he gets frustrated that it’s not working.
There is a young child part, B, who is very attached to Ron. She hasn’t spoken for the last few sessions though.She tends to speak about everyday things that concern her, and she is often quite cheerful in a childish way. Ron seems to have tired of this – it’s not deep, it’s not getting to the root of anything. But that is what this part is like. She’s not deep.
So, she has stopped talking to him, and he doesn’t ask about her.
So, I want to quit therapy. I don’t have confidence Ron knows enough about trauma to help me.
But, I’ve felt that way about a lot of therapists before, so it’s not a new feeling. I wouldn’t just quit, after four years, I would go back and end properly. This is all depressing. Maybe I’ve got the wrong end of the stick. Maybe we need to talk it out. Ron seems to be trying to do therapy with me as if he’s never met me though. I feel like I’m wasting my time.