Again

And it’s me again. I’m writing here instead of sending Ron an email, as I see him tomorrow anyway. I am posting a lot this week, so thanks for following along, if you happen to be.

Spring continues, and I at least notice it.

Work seems dreadful. I come home, and think mostly about killing myself. But it’s in this disorganized, chaotic way, so I suppose the feeling is coming from distraught parts. So I distract. Today I poured myself a glass of wine, which was a little sour, as it’s been opened for a week now. Still, it took the edge off and felt good, especially right at first. I watched Girls, third season. I love that show – right up until it irritates the heck out of me, and I have to turn it off. Then I lie down and doze for about two hours. Then I get up, it’s pretty late, but I no longer want to kill myself. I don’t feel hopeful, but I’m better.

So what goes so wrong at work? Answer – nothing. At least, nothing huge. A whole bunch of crappy little things, that’s all.

Thank God I’m working from home tomorrow. I don’t think I could bear five days in there.

Well, this depression is at least a change from the runaway anxiety I was feeling last week. It’s been very quiet – the boss has left, new boss isn’t in yet, and my project has hit a lull. I have a few things to do, but not much.

I’m having some social anxiety stuff happen. Today there was a birthday gathering in one of the meeting rooms. I was invited, and somehow could not work out how to join in the chat around the cake. Maybe if I’d taken something for the anxiety first, but it seemed like nothing, a birthday thing. They chatted about dogs, I think, and shoes – that’s all I can remember. I couldn’t work out what to say about dogs – I have never had one, and don’t know anything about them. But I needed just to make some kind of comments, to be part of it. Even walking in, I should have smiled and said hello, and I didn’t. It felt more and more awkward as time went on, sitting there, not saying anything.

Then I had another crappy interaction with the manager on this project. She presents herself as ‘nice’, calm and quiet. And when I see her like that, I think, see, she’s perfectly nice, you’re the one with the problem. Then I had to talk to her on the phone, and she basically implied I didn’t know what I was doing, what my timelines are, who I should be sending my drafts to, and that I’m generally not up to much. And I get anxious with her, so I talk too much, and get apologetic, and feel at fault. Which is the wrong approach. If I simply stood up for myself, it would work better, and she would back off. She’s not full of self confidence. Then once off the phone, I start feeling furious.

The only other person I talked to all day was A, my cubicle buddy from another department. She’s super young, still lives with her parents, is trying very hard to make a good impression there. She’s OK. But I need her more than she needs me – she is quietly self-sufficient. And she sees my anxiety sometimes, and kind of dismisses me, the way young people do.

So I don’t feel respected. And it’s hurtful.

Now i know I can see this all as my construction. Nothing horrible is happening. But somehow, I can’t keep perspective. I go down a dark emotional road and end up desperately depressed.

I guess it’s triggering off my family. They certainly didn’t respect me, and that had nothing to do with me. I just feel the hopelessness of not being good enough to be included, to be talked with and treated like a valuable person. Because of their own anxieties, they almost had to treat me as lesser than. Those feelings are tough.

So it wasn’t just this boss’ strange behaviour. He’s gone, and I’m still struggling. I just wish I was different.

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9 comments
  1. cardamone5 said:

    I am sorry. There’s not much else to say. I hear you, and feel your pain. I wish you didn’t feel so badly.

    fondly,
    E

  2. For me, it can take a really long time to calm down once something gets started, so I’m wondering if the boss is gone, but things are still ratcheted up. I’m also wondering if the the thing that got triggered was your dad’s silence. Now the boss has gone altogether. It’s worse than silence. It’s total abandonment. Little parts only get these slices of reality, I’ve found. They might not realize he’s not your dad.

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, it does seem like this depression is still a reaction to the whole boss / anxiety situation. Kind of a ping pong ball effect. Not sure about the abandonment. I think of him with pain, but he doesn’t preoccupy my thoughts – I think I didn’t know him long enough to feel abandoned. But parts are mixed up in all of this, though I have no idea how. When my feelings make no sense, it’s parts related I find. Thanks Ashana

  3. Grainne said:

    I so wish we worked together. Xx I think you’re courageous and deserve to be treated with respect at all times. I’ve done the same, in the past, over apologized for things that weren’t my fault to begin with. I feel you, my friend….I do. Xx

    • Ellen said:

      I wish we worked together also. 🙂 It is so easy to over apologize when you feel down. Thanks for the kind words Grainne. xox

  4. Cat said:

    Hi Ellen… As you already know, your post really resonates with me. The longer we sit in silence, the more intense it becomes. We are obviously dealing with the effects of childhood messages from people who chose to ignore our presence and our value. I realised last week that what triggers me the most is the distance I feel with certain people, which is a representation of family.

    Just because we are beginning to understand the origins of “our lesser complex” doesn’t mean to say it will stop being a problem, although I daresay it will one day. Our current awareness counts heaps towards that change. I really don’t know, but imagine if someone is dealing with different parts, it only makes things more complicated, but I do hope your awareness will see you through

    PS That colleague sounds a right little madam and I would speak to the new boss if she continues…cheek!

    • Ellen said:

      That is a good way of looking at it Cat. I actually hadn’t really connected that difficulty at the group get together with how i was treated by my family. Interesting about how a feeling of distance triggers you.

      Yeah, understanding intellectually isn’t magic unfortunately. I so wish it was. I hope like you’re saying, it will help eventually.

      He he re the colleague. She really doesn’t do anything I could complain to anyone about – it’s all implied, with sighs, and expressions. I think I just have to keep my confidence up and cheerfully ignore her. If I can remember to do that, it will help!

      thanks Cat, for the encouragement and for sharing your experience.

  5. manyofus1980 said:

    I’m sorry you were struggling. I hope by now the anxiety has lessened. XX

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