And it’s me again. I’m writing here instead of sending Ron an email, as I see him tomorrow anyway. I am posting a lot this week, so thanks for following along, if you happen to be.
Spring continues, and I at least notice it.
Work seems dreadful. I come home, and think mostly about killing myself. But it’s in this disorganized, chaotic way, so I suppose the feeling is coming from distraught parts. So I distract. Today I poured myself a glass of wine, which was a little sour, as it’s been opened for a week now. Still, it took the edge off and felt good, especially right at first. I watched Girls, third season. I love that show – right up until it irritates the heck out of me, and I have to turn it off. Then I lie down and doze for about two hours. Then I get up, it’s pretty late, but I no longer want to kill myself. I don’t feel hopeful, but I’m better.
So what goes so wrong at work? Answer – nothing. At least, nothing huge. A whole bunch of crappy little things, that’s all.
Thank God I’m working from home tomorrow. I don’t think I could bear five days in there.
Well, this depression is at least a change from the runaway anxiety I was feeling last week. It’s been very quiet – the boss has left, new boss isn’t in yet, and my project has hit a lull. I have a few things to do, but not much.
I’m having some social anxiety stuff happen. Today there was a birthday gathering in one of the meeting rooms. I was invited, and somehow could not work out how to join in the chat around the cake. Maybe if I’d taken something for the anxiety first, but it seemed like nothing, a birthday thing. They chatted about dogs, I think, and shoes – that’s all I can remember. I couldn’t work out what to say about dogs – I have never had one, and don’t know anything about them. But I needed just to make some kind of comments, to be part of it. Even walking in, I should have smiled and said hello, and I didn’t. It felt more and more awkward as time went on, sitting there, not saying anything.
Then I had another crappy interaction with the manager on this project. She presents herself as ‘nice’, calm and quiet. And when I see her like that, I think, see, she’s perfectly nice, you’re the one with the problem. Then I had to talk to her on the phone, and she basically implied I didn’t know what I was doing, what my timelines are, who I should be sending my drafts to, and that I’m generally not up to much. And I get anxious with her, so I talk too much, and get apologetic, and feel at fault. Which is the wrong approach. If I simply stood up for myself, it would work better, and she would back off. She’s not full of self confidence. Then once off the phone, I start feeling furious.
The only other person I talked to all day was A, my cubicle buddy from another department. She’s super young, still lives with her parents, is trying very hard to make a good impression there. She’s OK. But I need her more than she needs me – she is quietly self-sufficient. And she sees my anxiety sometimes, and kind of dismisses me, the way young people do.
So I don’t feel respected. And it’s hurtful.
Now i know I can see this all as my construction. Nothing horrible is happening. But somehow, I can’t keep perspective. I go down a dark emotional road and end up desperately depressed.
I guess it’s triggering off my family. They certainly didn’t respect me, and that had nothing to do with me. I just feel the hopelessness of not being good enough to be included, to be talked with and treated like a valuable person. Because of their own anxieties, they almost had to treat me as lesser than. Those feelings are tough.
So it wasn’t just this boss’ strange behaviour. He’s gone, and I’m still struggling. I just wish I was different.