Bits of spring

I’m still struggling with work. I don’t like ‘putting in time’ – being there in order to get paid, when there is nothing to do. I worry I guess. I worry I should be doing something, just not sure what. At the moment there is not boss, he starts next week. The manager on this project is not someone I trust at all. I don’t want to go to her.

So much is about politics.  Who is important, who isn’t.

Women mostly wear these stick shoes – high heels, shiny with pointed toes. Yuck. My feet would hurt in those shoes and I’m not wearing them.

I get into the elevator to go for my break, when the VP who hired me and the manager on my project both get on with me. There’s no one else in the car. I smile vaguely. They are earnestly discussing something, and they don’t acknowledge me. What does this mean? Should I have said hello? Should they have? Did they honestly not see me? Does it matter one bit? I decide I don’t much care. Maybe I should have said hello, but I didn’t want to interrupt them.

I get home entirely worn out from putting in time all day. I wanted to go for a walk but couldn’t make it out there.

Maybe I don’t like this kind of work. Maybe it’s social anxiety having a field day with me. Or the stress of managing parts, suppressing all the time I suppose.

It all seems so stupid and pointless.

I started meditating again – ten minutes morning and evening.

I went back to ACA. It might be doing me some good.

It is my favorite week of the year in my city – Maple tress are blossoming acid green flowers, magnolia trees just popping, a light sweater is enough for going outside, no more boots. Oh and swathes of blue scillas – they spread all over, our first flower here.

Today I sat out on the sidewalk sipping my afternoon americano, decaf of course, since I am an anxiety prone individual. The windows in my apartment are all open to the spring evening.

I will take a picture to post soon. The city is photogenic again.

  1. manyofus1980 said:

    I’m just so glad spring is here finally. It was late coming this year. I am sorry work is so challenging for you. I dont know how you manage to work with having parts. Some day I hope to work too but I cant right now. I admire you. Xoxo

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Many, your comment cheered me up. You know, I don’t have DID the way you do – not comparable. But, still, parts are parts, and I do manage working, and that’s not nothing. 🙂 We’re both a work in progress.

  2. It’s hard when there’s no clear direction to go. It’s somehow very anxiety-provoking. Take care.

    • Ellen said:

      Sometimes I think organizations pay me mainly to take on the anxiety of these projects. Thank you.

      • I think actually that makes a lot of sense. Organizations hire consultants or outside contractors in response to uncertainty. “Oh, they’ll know what to do.” But this means you get the uncertainty, which is anxiety-provoking for you too.

        • Ellen said:

          Yes, I think so too. And there is a built in anxiety to writing projects, especially to start, where you don’t know how it should go. At least I’ve experienced this often enough, I know it’s part of the process. Sometimes though it seems amplified, like this time.

          • It probably is, depending on how anxious the organization generally is and depending on other factors that affect you.

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