Calmer

I feel better, in a  way. I got quite paralyzed by anxiety over the weekend. I’m sure this boss is setting over internal alarm bells for me, in that he is similar to my father in some ways. If he had only treated me coldly from the beginning, I think I would not have liked that, but I would have accepted it. It’s the way he blew hot then cold that really wrecked my confidence.

He’s now left for a bigger job downtown. The new boss doesn’t start until next week. A positive is that I’m now happy to see him go, whereas while we were getting along, I hated that he was leaving.

I made a plan to combat the anxiety by email to Ron. Somehow doing that, I really realized that I must maintain some semblance of calmness at work. And really, if I really can be calm, that would be even better. As a contractor with zero job security, I must look like a professional adult in order for clients to maintain confidence in me. It helps that the stress of the boss is no more. And I am being very diplomatic with the dreaded co-worker who is on the project with me. Even though I want to keep some of my ideas, it’s not OK to be in conflict with her. She’s important to the organization in a way I am definitely not.

I’ve decided to medicate for any meetings, just for now. It seems like going backwards, because I no longer needed to for a long time, but it’s just temporary. I don’t want to fear my voice is going to shake and be strange. Just having the med in my backpack is calming me down actually.

This is an easy week. In general, there’s not enough to do, but this week is a real lull. I’m trying not to worry about anything. It’s hard to kill a whole eight hours, but I’m finding a few things to do, and taking long breaks.

I’m watching my internal dialogue. Trying to keep parts at least a bit happy. No fearsome statements about what all kinds of things might mean. Just – we’re earning money, everything is OK, we’ll go for lots of breaks.

Plus I bought some pants that fit well – so many don’t fit me,  as a middle aged person. Plus some tops the kid likes – bright colours. And some costume jewelry necklaces that are a bit funky – little pictures of flowers, a metal one with an etched bird, tiny gold earrings. Plus a vinyl bag we can take on breaks – it is black, with a white scotty dog silhouette, and the kid loves it. It helps to have a few kid things about for soothing purposes.

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5 comments
  1. I would guess the hot and cold response from your boss would be a lot like your dad. It seems like a characteristic of that type of personality, and they usually punish people harshly for displeasing them. It’s a good red flag, really, for a volatile kind of person that isn’t usually nice to be around in the long run.

    I’m glad things have settled down for you just now. A plan helps, especially when it works. Getting less dissociated is a weird process. I hope you’re starting to feel more alive and not just in more pain and anxiety.

    • Ellen said:

      My father was good with young children, as I remember anyway, so I adored him. Then when he rejected me entirely, it was devastating, as he was my source of love. He was never 100% hurtful and crappy. It was on a much bigger time scale obviously, but I think that may be why this boss devastated me so. Sometimes I also think it was my fault, but how, is not entirely clear. It’s a good late in life lesson on the kinds of people I don’t need in my life, for sure. He still has this pull on my emotions, somehow, which is so strange, but I’m sure that will fade quickly.

      The plan was good especially for calming down. Ironically, just as I have it, there is nothing going on at work – no meetings, nothing for me to do, almost no interaction with anyone. So no plan needed really. But I think the internal dialogue is important – positive statements, broadcast inside, so to speak, that all is well, everyone is safe and OK.

      I’m not sure if I’m getting less dissociated here, or a bit more, because I’m trying to keep kid parts totally separate from my work life.

      Thanks for the kind comment Ashana. Bet you didn’t expect a novel in return. 🙂

      • I didn’t expect a novel. 🙂 Thank you for the pleasant surprise. It’s nice on a lonely day.

  2. Cat said:

    I can understand how you would relate the bosses responses with your Dads. The meds might be a good idea for meeting until you have a more comfortable footing. Fingers crossed for the arrival of the new boss

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