I had a bad experience with personal training yesterday. And today I am once again triggered, dissociated, with strange flashbacks happening as if through a glass. I feel terrible.
I shared with the trainer that I’d needed to cut her program for me in half and she was not impressed. Then I asked for lower weights, and could only do plank for 15 seconds, where she wanted 30. She said I’m not building strength or making progress. I felt like a failure. And still, even with my cutting back some of her prescription, I’m wasting my Sunday in bed with flashbacks. I just think the whole philosophy of personal training is at odds with what I need to do. Progress, effort, don’t be lazy, try hard….I don’t need that. I need an amount of exercise that doesn’t trigger my dissociation or flashbacks. That’s what I need. If I find that amount, I actually feel somewhat better than usual, but can still get some sleep at night.
I’ve used up my paid for hours now, so it’s a good time to quit. I’m sad because it’s yet another thing I wanted to do and where I failed. But I cannot keep losing days to this. I must see my son today, I haven’t seen him for weeks. That involves a fair drive, a fair amount of time. Today that will mean I didn’t cook for the week, didn’t vacuum or clean. As I had all those hours staring out the f’ing window. I just can’t manage anything that triggers me. It’s not as if I can work through it – it doesn’t come clear enough for me to know what it is. I can guess. But that doesn’t help – it’s a repetitive loop, ready again to be triggered out next time, no matter how much I try to feel it.
I feel hopeless right now, I have to admit. I just cannot function beyond bare survival. It is so unfair.
But today, I must get it together to at least see my son. He’s too handicapped to come to me – I have to go out to him.