Work is making me frantic with anxiety at the moment. It is maybe all about this boss, M. I’ve always wanted him to like me. And he did, to start, it seemed. He was nice to me, niceish. He seemed to value my opinion. He included me a bit. Not a lot, it was nothing major, but it meant a lot to me. I’d had such a bad boss experience in my last contract. And this guy is intelligent, personable, friendly, good with his staff, super competent. This isn’t romantic by the way. He’s not especially good looking, he’s partnered up, I assume living with some nice man in the west end.
Now M has changed. He seems to avoid me, he won’t meet my eyes, he doesn’t listen when I say anything. We never had a lot of interaction, but what we had was positive, and now it’s not. OK, people are weird, people change. I should not let it bother me like this. But I do. I’ve been super anxious, trying to figure out what I’ve done wrong. Maybe it’s something with the project – my writing, or the timelines. Or what? I actually assumed it was something to do with my work – but now I wonder. It’s hard to say.
It’s hit me so hard today and yesterday. As if his changeableness put me in some kind of danger. Which it really doesn’t.
Tonight I’ve a new worry – what if he thinks I’ve fallen for him? That would be embarrassing. We did have this meeting where I had bad anxiety – my voice shook a bit. Stupid. Maybe I need to be taking meds before meetings, the way I used to. It’s social anxiety, paired with being new and not knowing the subject well, paired with basically disagreeing with their approach but not feeling able to say so. It’s not love. For some reason, this man’s good opinion matters too much to me, but the reason is not romantic.
I’m also not fitting in well at work. I’m still struggling with talking to people, though I chat a bit. I worry what they think of me. Some of my anxiety is down to that – I’m spending the days alone, in a corporation, and it is anxiety provoking.
I’ve written to Ron about this, but he hasn’t replied yet. I think he will reply.
Work is hard. People are difficult.