I am so depressed. Arggh. I don’t know what’s wrong. I did go to Easter service, and it was OK. Lots of parts popping up, but that is OK because no one can tell. I like the ritual of it all, the stories. The sermons also tend to be interesting. I like the hymns for the most part, I like singing along, or humming my own tune if I don’t like the hymn or it’s too high. I like giving the peace – the congregations walks around, shaking everyone else’s hand and wishing them peace. Coffee time after is hard for me. I think people who are part of it could try harder to include others. Anyway, I decided to skip that.
At home, I cleaned up. So I guess the depression didn’t hit until the afternoon. I lie down, but don’t sleep. I am going for a family dinner, and need to leave soon. I feel oppressed – stifled – as if the walls are closing in and I need to get out.
I have felt lonely this weekend. My therapy session left me lonely, and I keep waking up and feeling lonely. However, I don’t actually have the energy to go out and do non-survival activities. And I wouldn’t have the energy to devote to a relationship with a partner, if I found such a thing. Lately I actually haven’t been feeling lonely – too many other feelings to deal with, plus sheer exhaustion.
Therapy was problematic this week, but it might have opened something up that I want to deal with. Ron said he was working on Good Friday, a holiday here. So I went off for my session late in the day. He looked more relaxed than usual, wearing different clothes, altogether quite relaxed and happy. He tends to look a bit mournful, generally. It turned out I was his only client that day. I hadn’t known, or I would have maybe cancelled. I felt like a loser – all his other clients had cancelled, likely having a life, while I don’t. I felt as if I was interrupting his social life actually – he’d emailed asking to meet an hour later, so I figured he’d just left someone. So of course my mind goes to his romantic life, which I do not want to think about at all. Somehow when I thought he was married, thoughts of his life didn’t bother me. Now they seem to. It’s likely sheer jealousy, because I do not have romance in my life of any kind, and haven’t had since I’ve been going to him for therapy. Anyway.
I did bring up the two items from last week from my last post. They weren’t even bothering me anymore, but I brought them up because I thought I should. We had this kind of weird conversation about the book. Ron said he’d thought he was just following my lead, where I’d said I couldn’t decide what my attachment style was, and didn’t think the book was that good. I reminded him I’d said that after he’d disparaged it.
Anyway. It wasn’t a good discussion. Ron noticed that I seemed to be taking our discussion personally. It was true – I was getting agitated, trying to describe the philosophy, and counter what he was saying.
The next day, after the session, I woke up and felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach – like there was internal bruising of some kind, although I knew it was emotional. I felt like I’d been in a huge fight, and that I’d completely wrecked my relationship with Ron, who now no longer cared about me. It was such a devastating feeling – as if everything around had died.
Finally I emailed him, and asked for a response, and told him how I felt I’d irritated him, and I was really upset. He emailed me back almost at once (thank you Ron) saying he wasn’t feeling any conflict with me whatsoever, and he could see how I fragile I feel our relationship is.
I’d been so upset. I was crying, and I rarely cry. I was relieved at the email. So I calmed down to plain puzzlement and sadness. I still feel our relationship has ruptured – for instance, I woke up this morning with the same emotional stomach ache, as if I’d caused huge harm, and was now abandoned due to my own behaviour. Not as severe though, and I can live with it. I just don’t feel a connection where usually I was feeling one.
It really disturbs me to disagree with Ron in person and out loud. He was not as accepting this time as he has been in the past – we argued about the book, I’d say, though not in a mean way. I felt afterwards I’d been petty, nit-picky about nothing, when he’s done nothing wrong, and I wasn’t even hugely upset about this book.
Even now it feels dangerous, the argument. Just not good. As if my safety is at stake. And I do feel abandoned, even though Ron has done nothing. Just that magic thread of connection I usually feel to him isn’t there.
I know arguments with my father ended up with him completely abandoning me, and this isn’t happening now in the present. Just I’m afraid it is. That fear is a hard feeling.