Arguments continued

I am so depressed. Arggh. I don’t know what’s wrong. I did go to Easter service, and it was OK. Lots of parts popping up, but that is OK because no one can tell. I like the ritual of it all, the stories. The sermons also tend to be interesting. I like the hymns for the most part, I like singing along, or humming my own tune if I don’t like the hymn or it’s too high. I like giving the peace – the congregations walks around, shaking everyone else’s hand and wishing them peace. Coffee time after is hard for me. I think people who are part of it could try harder to include others. Anyway, I decided to skip that.

At home, I cleaned up. So I guess the depression didn’t hit until the afternoon. I lie down, but don’t sleep. I am going for a family dinner, and need to leave soon. I feel oppressed – stifled – as if the walls are closing in and I need to get out.

I have felt lonely this weekend. My therapy session left me lonely, and I keep waking up and feeling lonely. However, I don’t actually have the energy to go out and do non-survival activities. And I wouldn’t have the energy to devote to a relationship with a partner, if I found such a thing. Lately I actually haven’t been feeling lonely – too many other feelings to deal with, plus sheer exhaustion.

Therapy was problematic this week, but it might have opened something up that I want to deal with. Ron said he was working on Good Friday, a holiday here. So I went off for my session late in the day. He looked more relaxed than usual, wearing different clothes, altogether quite relaxed and happy. He tends to look a bit mournful, generally. It turned out I was his only client that day. I hadn’t known, or I would have maybe cancelled. I felt like a loser – all his other clients had cancelled, likely having a life, while I don’t. I felt as if I was interrupting his social life actually – he’d emailed asking to meet an hour later, so I figured he’d just left someone. So of course my mind goes to his romantic life, which I do not want to think about at all. Somehow when I thought he was married, thoughts of his life didn’t bother me. Now they seem to. It’s likely sheer jealousy, because I do not have romance in my life of any kind, and haven’t had since I’ve been going to him for therapy. Anyway.

I did bring up the two items from last week from my last post. They weren’t even bothering me anymore, but I brought them up because I thought I should. We had this kind of weird conversation about the book. Ron said he’d thought he was just following my lead, where I’d said I couldn’t decide what my attachment style was, and didn’t think the book was that good. I reminded him I’d said that after he’d disparaged it.

Anyway. It wasn’t a good discussion. Ron noticed that I seemed to be taking our discussion personally. It was true – I was getting agitated, trying to describe the philosophy, and counter what he was saying.

The next day, after the session, I woke up and felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach – like there was internal bruising of some kind, although I knew it was emotional. I felt like I’d been in a huge fight, and that I’d completely wrecked my relationship with Ron, who now no longer cared about me. It was such a devastating feeling – as if everything around had died.

Finally I emailed him, and asked for a response, and told him how I felt I’d irritated him, and I was really upset. He emailed me back almost at once (thank you Ron) saying he wasn’t feeling any conflict with me whatsoever, and he could see how I fragile I feel our relationship is.

I’d been so upset. I was crying, and I rarely cry. I was relieved at the email. So I calmed down to plain puzzlement and sadness. I still feel our relationship has ruptured – for instance, I woke up this morning with the same emotional stomach ache, as if I’d caused huge harm, and was now abandoned due to my own behaviour. Not as severe though, and I can live with it. I just don’t feel a connection where usually I was feeling one.

It really disturbs me to disagree with Ron in person and out loud. He was not as accepting this time as he has been in the past – we argued about the book, I’d say, though not in a mean way. I felt afterwards I’d been petty, nit-picky about nothing, when he’s done nothing wrong, and I wasn’t even hugely upset about this book.

Even now it feels dangerous, the argument. Just not good. As if my safety is at stake. And I do feel abandoned, even though Ron has done nothing. Just that magic thread of connection I usually feel to him isn’t there.

I know arguments with my father ended up with him completely abandoning me, and this isn’t happening now in the present. Just I’m afraid it is. That fear is a hard feeling.

 

 

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13 comments
  1. Learning that it can be safe to disagree or even get angry can be so hard….

  2. Maybe it’s a few things together: the family dinner, then disagreeing with someone important to you. Take care.

        • Ellen said:

          Somewhat, Ashana, thank you. I’m no longer upset about Ron – I just don’t think about him. As if he died but I don’t need to grieve. I’m busy at work, so too tired to feel much. Hope you’re well.

          • That kind of better…

            Take care. ((()))

            • Ellen said:

              thanks. 🙂

  3. Tackling a disagreement does bring up old feelings that weren’t processed. Took me a long time to understand I could disagree with my counselor and not be the end of the relationship. New territory takes a bit of getting used to. I hope your family dinner went well. Hugs.

    • Ellen said:

      Yeah, I think it is old feelings. And I know in my mind it’s not the end of the relationship, but my emotions freak out entirely. The dinner was OK thx. Hugs Ruth

  4. manyofus1980 said:

    I’m sorry you felt abandoned. But its good Ron emailed you back quickly. That shows he cares. Glad you had a good easter despite the depression. I hope the rest of your week will be ok too. XX

    • Ellen said:

      It is lovely he replied so promptly – it helped a lot. Thanks for the good wishes. Happy Easter to you also. xox

  5. Cat said:

    When I was reading this, Ellen, I pretty much thought what you said in the last two sentences. To have this happening and the family gathering is enough to send your mood plummeting. How are you feeling now?

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