Chilly winter has come back, even on the second day of spring. Well, my mood is down to match. I am so down. Yet there’s been no therapy to blame for this. So that’s interesting – that I can feel awful even without talking about the past.
I know this part, V., is still very prominent. This is a very very sad part, and maybe that’s the reason.
Or maybe I miss Ron? I could write to him, but at this point I don’t even know what to say – more like a scream of pain. I don’t know what’s wrong, just that I feel like crap.
Today I wonder if I need to quit my job. It’s a corporate job, and it’s not very meaningful. However. It’s not like meaningful work is out there, waiting for me. In fact, because of my issues, I almost need a job which is not too demanding, where no one notices if I’m not producing for a few days. I’m a cog in such a huge machine, once I’m there, it’s OK to not be doing anything very much, sometimes.
Yes, I’d like my work to mean something. And my cubicle is so dark, somehow. It’s several rows away from the windows that line the perimeter of the floor. Nothing ever happens, unless I make it happen. But….I do have this little micro relationship with the young cubicle mate. Last week, her manager was away for Spring Break, and she had no one to talk to either, so we had a few little conversations. I appreciate that.
My job is to produce a fifty page policy document. It’s to be modeled closely on another document they’ve just published. This document is written in a very dry, difficult to understand way. So I’m trying to get them to let me modernize the language and make it easier to use. Luckily, the manager is somewhat open to the idea. However, the other manager involved is not. A lot of people in banks are very very conservative, and so to them, the only reason you need for doing something a certain way is that it was done that way in the past. Anything new is threatening.
As a consultant, I’m not there to engage in battle with the staff. However, I also want to do something that bears some relationship to my skill, which is writing clearly and simply and to a particular audience. So I go back and forth, and I worry. I want my work to be decent. However, am I pushing too hard? Am I pissing someone off?
Then there’s not enough to do really. But they’ve allotted the time, and I need the money, so I try and stretch the task to fill it. I take breaks, wander around.
So there’s a lot of futility, a lot of loneliness, a lot of powerlessness.
I do need to support myself. So I need to stick it out. No one is being mean to me. I actually like this boss, and he seems to like me.
Does that explain my depression? I have no idea. I think also, bits of sadness and trauma get joggled loose by exercise. So there’s that. Oh yeah, I forgot this. I had started building in bits of support, bits of human interaction, and with working, I’m too exhausted to do those things anymore. I’ve missed all ACA meetings since I started this contract. I just feel too out of it, Saturday afternoons, when I’ve either gone to therapy already, or had training at the gym. At the time, it makes sense to stay home – I feel sad, I feel fragmented, I need to rest and recuperate. Same with church. I have not gone – it always seems more important to get extra sleep.
But then, I end up being alone all the time I’m not at work. I don’t talk to anyone, mostly. I end up feeling really frustrated, that I seem to be too exhausted to make use of my off work hours. It seems as if just surviving is all I have energy for.
Maybe next week I’ll go eat out a few times, and not cook. What if I eat out on a night there is ACA, then go to it? I wouldn’t have to cook or clean up.
None of this feels exactly right – it doesn’t seem to explain the sadness. It’s kind of half there, perhaps. I can’t feel the whole thing, and I can’t place it or make sense of it.