I really want to get back into writing regularly. Though I don’t feel well at this moment, I’m going to jump in anyway. Here goes. Jump!
Today I went for training at the gym again, with kind trainer D. I was worried because last time the work out plunged me into misery, so I told her right away I could only do half an hour. Which she took literally, and we only used half an hour. I talked a bit about my sleep problems. I guess, I feel like a loser when I start telling her my problems. I’ve been making an effort lately to not lead with problems – I want to have relationships based on strengths. But what can you do. It’s hard to think while I’m exercising. I didn’t talk about it long, but we both puzzled over what the problem could be.
I know it brings up trauma, or parts. Even after only half an hour, where I never even got out of breath, and never broke a sweat. Maybe being in my body is the trouble. And it’s like I can’t really think. I cry a bit. I nap a bit. Maybe it’s good I’m feeling stuff, maybe then I will be able to sleep. The other way it can go is I feel just blank – as if everything around me is echoing. In that state I cannot sleep. So maybe at least I will sleep and will feel OK tomorrow.
Ron has been away for March Break. I actually started missing him right after my session with him last Saturday, and have been painfully aware he is away all week. I’ve not written him either, though he said I could. I want him to have a break from pathetic old me.
Last week’s session was good. I told him I had been overwhelmed by my previous one, and we were able to keep this one more manageable. For a lot of it, I talked in an adult way about my various issues. I commented on how well I was doing staying adult, about half way through, and we both laughed. With parts, the therapy hour is so chaotic. When I talk as an adult, I feel like a ‘normal’ person, and I like that. Both V and B also had some time, but more to touch base, rather than explore feelings.
So no huge therapy hang-over last weekend. I got quite a bit done as a consequence. Though I’ve had sleep issues all week as well.
Several times in my last few sessions, Ron has brought up how to work with parts in my day to day. Every time he starts talking about this subject, I start to feel really bad, which I then tell him. He’s pointed out that anytime he brings up parts, I start to feel unwell. I’d been unaware that this happened. I still don’t seem reconciled to having them, at least not enough to calmly discuss it. Even though it does seem to be true.
I’ve been reading through a workbook on loneliness and attachment styles. The author focuses on two attachment styles that create problematic relationships – anxious and avoidant. I can’t decide which I am – I think I’m a bit of both. My father would have had an anxious style, my mother avoidant. Kind of opposite to the stereotype. So I’m working my way through the anxious attachment style exercises. Well, mostly I read about it, and think a bit about the exercises. I think I have in the past gravitated to more attachment avoidant types of people, stressing them out probably with my own mix of anxious and avoidant styles.
Apparently you can achieve earned secure attachment, by working on yourself. One of the things the author suggests is learning to soothe oneself, instead of demanding others provide soothing. Then approaching people largely from a position of not needing them, but wanting to get to know them. It seems sensible.
I think my taking a break from most of my relationships is actually an attempt to do that. To not rely on other people for soothing. Just, I don’t probably need to cut everyone out of my life to do that. Well, I’ll be interested to know what Ron thinks of all this. He tends to talk about the importance of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with other people. But I think it depends what your relationship problems are. I don’t want to lead with weakness all the time – I want to exist in the world as a strong capable person.
I work in a building which has retail on the ground floor, and one of the stores is a large bookstore. After looking at them for several weeks, I finally bought a somewhat expensive set of three tiny notebooks. They’re small enough to fit in my small change purse. Parts may write in them. The response was so enthusiastic. I was really surprised. I’d had this nagging feeling to buy them. When I did, and they got to write, I felt a lot of relief. I’m trying to find ways to care for parts, so that’s been at least one thing I did.