Work is better. The day after I wrote the last post, I had a meeting with my manager, and he was super nice. He made such a stern, reserved, critical impression at my interview, and I thought this was his personality. He’s actually nice. He isn’t expecting miracles, he wants to help as much as he can, he is interested. He was so reassuring, in contrast with my meeting with the other manager. I never got the impression he thinks I’m slow, or not getting it, or anything negative really. And he’s a director, so several levels of management up from my last banking boss. I’m kind of impressed with myself for having such an elevated boss, lol. Main thing for me, though, is he seems to like me well enough and is encouraging. The last horror of a boss really cut deep into my confidence, and I am so happy to have someone who seems like a good egg.
What a relief. I even slept better than usual, I was so filled with relief. And I’m having longer chats with my cubicle neighbour, and it’s fine. And, today I had a long informal meeting with the other manager again, but this time, she didn’t seem angry. She’s very quick and focused, and wants to get a lot done very fast. So it was fine also. She is incredibly helpful, as long as I mostly listen and reflect what she’s saying.
I think realizing the triggers I have with silence and people not talking was really helpful to me. If I can just de-escalate those bad feelings so I don’t become swamped, when they come up.
I still want to go over last week’s therapy, but of course, I’ve forgotten a lot at this point.
We talked again about whether Ron was keeping secrets, about his divorce. He said he’ll answer any question I ask him. I say, well, what would I have asked – Are you still married? Then he says he doesn’t feel he’s keeping secrets – people around him know he’s divorced. Then something about how he doesn’t want to process his own stuff in clients’ sessions. Well, fair enough. I don’t want to pay to have to help him with his feelings. Then I say that there’s a difference between clearing up a mistaken fact, like I had that he’s still married, and trying to process his stuff during my session. And he agreed that he might have said something when I’d asked if he’d gotten his wife a Valentine’s present.
And I also got in another quick nosy question, which had bothered me. I don’t know if it’s nosiness or pain. It feels like pain. I asked if he was living with anyone else – a younger model perhaps. A lot of people do that.
Ron wasn’t offended. He smiled and said that yes, a lot of people do that, but no, he’s not living with anyone, younger model or otherwise.
I felt this great sense of relief. Maybe he is the honorable person I hope he is.
So I leave it at that. I feel OK about it again.
One part I remember most vividly was at the end. I start asking why I have no friends. Is it obvious? Maybe Ron knows exactly why, and isn’t telling me? I start to cry – I’m extremely emotional, all of a sudden. I brace myself to hear why I repel people.
Ron says that no, it isn’t obvious. I cry some more.
I tell him I’ve been to church for six months, and tried, and haven’t made one friend. The professional Christians talk to me, but few other people will. Then the group I tried, I didn’t make any friends. I hadn’t been going long, which I forget about in the heat of the moment.
Ron says that he thinks I have all this self-consciousness, that gets in the way. Instead of figuring out who I like, I worry so much about how other people are reacting to me.
I say no, that’s not it. I think with parts, it’s difficult. Sometimes different parts will speak, and it’s not really me, so people who might like me, don’t know me, they just know these parts a bit. It’s a bit of a mess.
Ron says OK, that may not be the whole problem, but i think it’s a problem.
Afterwards I remember clearly what he said. At the time, I thought it was completely lame. But later, it seemed there was a lot of truth to it.