fantasy_art_fairytale_painting_-_escaping_the_depths_by_jaime_best_c9bfd394I’m having a crisis type of day. I can’t email Ron again – I’ve emailed him twice since our session Thursday. My moods and states are completely volatile. I haven’t had this low of a depression yet, since Thursday. All the stuff I emailed him about was anxiety stuff.

I think I may not be able to continue the exercising. Exercise has set this off I think. It’s the SA feelings – a darkness, a pitch black substance, seems to be coming from deep inside of me. I feel completely worthless. I think of dying, of not being here any more. I can lie on my couch and just doze for hours at a time. I wanted to go to my ACA group today, and just couldn’t make it. I wanted to get a library book that’s on hold, and couldn’t do that either. I feel completely pathetic.

It doesn’t seem fair that this happens. When I do all these things to help myself. And then I end up down in the pit like this. Remembering blackness.

It is hard to move around when there is a pitch black substance seeping out of you.

This doesn’t seem to be a child part either. Maybe it is, but it’s not the same as when they’re triggered by therapy.

Maybe if I could remember what happened, it would recede. Of course, I want to shy away. When you’re that young, your mind doesn’t remember as an adult would anyway.

I know how my parents responded made it worse and became part of the trauma. They became angry. Probably because I couldn’t explain properly what was wrong, so they got scared, and then angry.

Why couldn’t I go to my ACA group? Ron asks questions like that, when I tell him I just couldn’t make it out. Well. For one thing, I don’t want anyone to see me when I feel covered in a black substance. I am sure they will dislike me because of it. Beyond just the mild indifference they have shown to this point. I won’t be able to explain my feelings. I’ll have to pretend, to pretend to cope, in order to fit in at all. And the mechanics of getting somewhere seem overwhelming. Putting on all those winter clothes. Getting to the subway. Not losing things. I. just. can’t. do. it.

A part of the memory is helplessness. Powerless. Feeling very small. And not able to explain. Like my world collapsed, but nobody could help me put it back together.

Tuesday I start working. I don’t think I can keep getting triggered like this and work at the same time. I worry.

OK. Feeling very small, and squashed, and unable to cope.

Art: Escaping the Depths, Jaime Best
  1. Ashana M said:

    This is how memories happened for me–in bits. The emotions separate from the events in many cases. I think this is partly because making sense of the emotions is all I could manage.

    Yes, you felt like your world had collapsed and no one could help you put it back together. It did and they couldn’t. Not having adults to help you made you very,very helpless with it then. And what was done was very, very icky.The ickiness was telling you this is dangerous and it is hurting you. Can you help yourself with the ickiness? Soft, warm things? Nice clean smells? A hot bath? Soothing music? Sunshine (is there any?)

    Take care and sending you patience. The adults couldn’t help you then and so now you have to be the adult and help this little child now. It may not be a part. It may just be your own memory of what happened when you were a child.

    • Ellen said:

      Your kind comment made me cry Ashana. I’m not used to anyone caring right when I feel my worst. I did light a scented candle and tried to take care of this part. As to sunshine – there is some, but it’s minus twenty out there. I mostly need to stay in. Thanks so much.

      • Ashana M said:

        When we feel our worst is when we most need someone to care. I’m glad it helped. I was thinking of sunshine coming in through the windows. (-20 brrrr…) During the holidays, I used to go sit in the patch of sun on the bed that came in during the late mornings. A hot water bottle is a lovely thing too.


        • Ellen said:

          Now I have my couch, I can lie in sunshine coming in – it is nice to do that. I have a heating pad that is soothing also…:-)

          • Ashana M said:

            Oh, that is great. A little stripe of sunshine is so lovely. And a warm heating pad is too. 🙂

  2. Bourbon said:

    You are not pathetic. All of what you are dealing with inside at least is going to blindside you sometimes so you cant do even the simplest of things. It happens to me too, a lot. You arent pathetic for needing to hibernate x

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you Bourbon. Sorry it happens to you also.

  3. Cat said:

    Ellen… Firstly, I love the image, very appropriate. Relating this to the music ‘thing’ we were talking about, I don’t blame you if you feel you can’t go on with the exercising. I wonder if it’s poss to do the physical type sessions with Ron?

    I have been trying to read a little on childhood trauma, specifically sexual abuse, and what is clear is how responses to our attempts to explain can impact on that trauma.

    I love the analogy of ‘covered in black substance’ this is how I feel when my depression is on the floor and I also know a lot about pretending to cope because there’s no way of expressing how we feel. I get like this in group therapy. And this part, “A part of the memory is helplessness. Powerless. Feeling very small. And not able to explain. Like my world collapsed, but nobody could help me put it back together.” Wow, I relate to this.

    Sorry, I have little helpful to contribute, just to say it helps to read posts like this, as it makes me feel less alone. I wish you all the best for Tuesday

    • Ellen said:

      Glad you like the picture Cat. Choosing one was actually very soothing and nicely distracting – an unexpected pleasure. Ron does do the physical sessions, but we’ve had scheduling difficulties, with no room available that he could book for us. It’s tougher now I’m going to be working, but we may try again in the future. It would make sense to do this, since my issues are sure to come up with a bang!

      Interesting about your reading. I only remember my parents’ reactions in a shadowy way, so I suppose that is part of the entire trauma. If I had been cared for sympathetically at the time, likely I wouldn’t have gotten PTSD from the experience.

      Glad you could relate to the way I’m trying to describe my feelings. I’m quite visual, and to me, emotions often appear visual, or as sensations. That depth of depression is pretty awful, so I’m also sorry you can relate. I’m out of that place again now, luckily for me.

      Thanks very much for your sympathetic comment. Take care.

  4. My counselor described the same thing you did when I couldn’t put into words what I was feeling. He also added the insight that my desire to stay from others might partially be my desire to save them from the ick. I was trying to protect them from something they couldn’t see or feel. He helped me understand that my being around others wouldn’t cause them to be effected by my icky memories. I also find that physical exercise causes problems emotionally. I am working on pulling apart one piece at a time. Sometimes identifying which exercises cause problems might help with your conversation with Ron later. The body stores memories that the mind can’t always access. Good luck on Tuesday. I hope you can keep the darkness at bay long enough to do the job you need to do for your work. Cheering for you.

    • Ellen said:

      That is a great insight Ruth – I hadn’t thought of that. It could be – I’m trying to protect others from my own badness….

      Interesting you also have issues with exercise – it doesn’t seem to be a common problem. I am not sure which exercises are the difficult ones at all – it’s a thought, to try and figure this out.

      Work is OK – I am pulling it together, thank goodness. I always do, though I fear so much I won’t. Thank you Ruth.

      • I’m glad to hear that work is going OK. I dissolved into tears at one of my work outs. Fortunately, the people there accepted that I was struggling and let me work it out my own way. It is nice to be in a supportive atmosphere.

  5. manyofus1980 said:

    We hear you. We know how you feel. Feeling similar things lately. Sending a hug your way. Its hard when you lay your heart out in an email and your waiting on a reply. Sadness sucks, doesnt it? Feeling small…helpless, powerless, it all sucks.

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