Today I went back to the gym. Oh so guiltily. And stealthily. On tiptoes.
I signed up as a member in August, and that monthly fee has been leaving my account faithfully. I was full of good intentions. Then I got a contract. The contract was horrible. And predictably, it took all my energy just to survive my life, and I let the gym drop off the radar. I didn’t go once, after the first time. PLUS – I shelled out for five personal training sessions. Which I also didn’t use.
Cue beating myself up every time I thought of the gym, or passed it. What an embarrassment. What a waste of money. What a loser I am, not to follow through. And my bones are feeling hollow, my limbs so weak. Why oh why didn’t I go?
I was convinced the sessions had expired. They’d said something about three months when I set them up.
And there is another part. I think this stopped me in my tracks also. I have issues with exercise – I seem to get dissociated, or I end up shutting down afterwards, not functioning for the rest of the day. So, I talked to them about it, in August. I said I had an anxiety condition triggered by exercise, so I needed to take it really slow. And the person there was sympathetic, and kind of making a big deal of my ‘problem’. Which made me feel small and ashamed after. Why did they have to know this?
So, today I was feeling energetic. ish. So this afternoon I went along to the gym at last. I walked on the treadmill fifteen minutes. It felt good to get my heart rate up. I did a few of the weight machines, though I don’t really know which ones to do.
After, I spoke to the guy at the front desk. I told him my sorry tale, joining in August, not coming back until now, I had these sessions booked – what did he think? A nice guy – a guy’s guy, someone I would never normally talk to. He looked me up on the system, he made a call. It’s good. I can still have my training sessions even after all this time. I was grinning all over my face, so so pleased, as if I’d been reprieved from a guilty sinner’s hell.
I got assigned to a woman, and we meet on Wednesday. Hopefully she will know nothing about my anxiety – I’ll just say I want to go slow. I feel like the lost sheep, accepted back into the fold.
I wonder if personal trainers are also specialists in guilt? So much failure to follow through on good intentions?
Tonight I didn’t shut down, post workout. I feel a little trembly and weepy, and things are a bit silent internally. But not too bad. I have one more week until I start working again – at least I can get set up with a program, and hopefully continue once work starts. It’s easier to continue things than to start them in the first place.
I’m glad I did this. Yay me.