Odds and ends

Things are better. Thanks for all the support on my last post. I realize now it was kind of a dark one.

This is the middle of the night so I’ll keep it brief perhaps.

I might or might not have a new contract. The agency keeps calling me with updates, which is kind of hilarious. I’ve never had a contract go this way. So apparently I was on the short list of two. Then the other woman on it, one person didn’t like, so she got knocked out of the running. Then the manager put the ad out again, calling for more people to interview. But, I was still their preferred candidate, of those they’d seen. Then Thursday, the agency calls to inform me that the manager has approved me for hiring, but it’s waiting for VP approval, and can I start right away. Sure. So I’m thinking, I’ll get a call by end of week. Nope. So what’s actually going on is anyone’s guess. So far, I do not have an offer.

So that was interesting. Reassuring, that I’ll have work. But strange how they are going about this. Lots of uncertainty.

Therapy on Friday. First of all, I felt like I’d only just climbed out of the hole I fell into after last week’s session. I tell Ron about how awful I’ve been feeling. Is going into trauma like this really going to help? He sits back, says that in his experience, with expression of deep feelings, things change. However, at the same time, he sees that you do want to see your life change for the better, also, at some point. My life is not changing for the better, in part because I need to spend huge amounts of time recovering from these memories,  and dealing with parts. Overall, I do not want to do the same thing as last week, and go into overwhelming feelings. At the same time, I don’t want to waste my session with complete avoidance.

And….I’m getting sleepy. So tomorrow, I’ll write more about therapy for this week. Hope all are sleeping well tonight.

  1. What a strange and convoluted way go go about hiring someone. Hoping you get total confirmation and start onboarding ASAP!

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks FTT. Still waiting at this point.

  2. Hoping you get the job if that is what you interest you. I’m at the far end of therapy. I didn’t like it at the time of telling but now that my story is out and part of it I put in a book I feel like I know who I am and what my challenges are. I don’t think things magically changed for the better but I learned new ways of responding to life that are healthier. Just my perspective, I hope it helps. Ruth

    • Ellen said:

      It does help. Thanks for sharing that Ruth.

  3. Have you ever tried EMDR?
    My experience with EMDR was that it helped me cope or deal with the traumatic feelings I’ve held without stuffing them or getting totally overwhelmed by them. In essence it’s a kind of rewiring around the trauma.

    • Ellen said:

      Glad EMDR helped you Gel. I tried it with two different practitioners, and it was awful – it plunged me into the middle of trauma, but certainly didn’t help with containment at all. I got the opinion that EMDR is more suited for trauma that is maybe a one-time event, and is clearly remembered. But interesting it helped you. Take care.

      • I’m sorry EMDR was awful for you.
        I only have a limited experience with EMDR and don’t know anything about it theoretically. When I’ve used it I was directed to focus on something (yes a trauma) but for me it was a trauma that had many layers, or it was a repeating theme. My T. also said I could just go into the EMDR session without an agenda and see what came up and we’d work with it. But most of the times I’d already have an issue to focus on.
        I guess what was helpful to me about it is that I felt I had some”control” over how the process went rather than being overwhelmed or just going on automatic, or collapsing etc.

        I’m sorry I brought it up….since you probably already wrote about your experience with EMDR and I’ve forgotten.
        Wishing you well.

        • Ellen said:

          Interesting. Different things work for different people. I did find it brought forward more emotion than I already had – so it definitely does something, just I’m not sure what. Plus I think you’d need a deep trusting relationship with the T, and I didn’t have that with these folks.

          Don’t be sorry to mention it. I’ve also forgotten if I wrote about it previously. 🙂

          • Yes different things work for different people.
            For me it didn’t bring forth more emotion. It allowed me to look at the difficult stuff from a different perspective where I could simultaneously feel it but also not be overwhelmed by it. Almost as if I could look at it from a few steps away. I find this hard to put into words. Having that bit of perspective allowed me to FEEL OK about it where as before I only felt awful and stuck.
            In both cases – two different therapists that I’ve used EMDR with – I’ve had a very trusting relationship with them both. So I’d say that having trust with the guide is important.

            • Ellen said:

              I can see how that would be very helpful, when that is the effect.

              Come to think of it, in my case, a part would have been triggered out, and I wouldn’t have known that was happening, so yeah, it was a mess.

              Thanks for clarifying. 🙂

  4. manyofus1980 said:

    Does Ron do anything to stop you getting overwhelmed? LIke distraction techniques, grounding, etc? When he sees you getting traumatised, does he pull you back out of it? Our therapist helps us to regulate. She doesnt allow us to become overwhelmed. She has ways to help us manage that. Maybe talk to ron about it. XX

    • Ellen said:

      Ron doesn’t do much of that Many. However, I can usually cope OK. It’s a fine line though, between what’s helpful and what might be traumatizing. Cheers.

  5. Cat said:

    Something amazing does happen when we “observe” those feelings, but it must be difficult to spend so much time trying to recover, only to be up against your next session. I know how that feels with my twice per week, but I do have the space to recover. If you’re working again, that becomes a little more difficult. Anyway, I’m behind with posts… 😉

    • Ellen said:

      It is difficult, as a matter of fact! Once I’m working again though, we don’t end up going as deep it seems. I am tired from work, and so automatically a bit shut down. Plus there is then usually work stuff to talk about. It’s a bit of a self-regulating system! Thanks

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