Badness

I don’t see anything good. The best I can do is feel numb. Eating is a problem. Everything is like sawdust.

Therapy is too rough on me. I need to fix my life, not plunge into trauma like this.

At my session Friday, a part came out. It was my fault. Ron doesn’t push parts at all. He just responds to whatever is happening. Still, I feel like it’s his fault.

I haven’t been able to function almost at all this weekend.

And I don’t have a story. The part is a child part. She describes the furnishings and surroundings of one of my childhood homes. No people, no events, nothing upsetting. Then she cries and cries as if someone died.

I think I need to fix my life. I have no support for dealing with this kind of trauma. But when it comes up, I can’t do the things I need to do to have a better life. I think about death and that’s about it. I can’t relate to anyone, because all I want to do is cry.

I’m not seeing how this is getting me anywhere. I just end up unable to even do the basics – dinner, for goodness sake. Everyone needs dinner. Laundry. I just don’t think this therapy is a good idea at all.

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24 comments
  1. There is a forum that I lurk on where they offer to sit with others in support, since that is the most that we can do most of the time. If you would like, I will sit here with you. I know what it’s like to have nothing left over to do even the most basic things and I have the extra motivation of a husband and daughter to get clothes washed and dinner on the table. We don’t have to resort to oatmeal and fruit for dinner too often, but we have a couple of times.

    I don’t know where your journey is taking you, but I know that for myself, I am functioning much better in many ways. It’s just that I’m also taking on so much more difficult material in therapy that I continue to have little to nothing left over. My T keeps on urging me to pace myself so that I do have more left over to live life, but so far it isn’t working that way. Sometimes it feels like there is an alien inside trying to force its way out and maybe once I get it out, I can put the pieces back together and live life again.

    • Ellen said:

      Thank you so much for your kindness Cat. I am picturing you ‘sitting with me’ and it does help.

      Good to hear you are making progress. I am so down in the hole right now I can’t think very well. But I am glad. Dissociated parts can feel like aliens. In my case, parts want to talk with my T, but then I feel I can’t handle the fall out.

  2. Do you find therapy has its ‘ups and downs’? After this dip will you find progress is made? Obviously its an ongoing journey and im curious if it is for everyone. It seems with the right therapist, despite the excruciating times, it proves beneficial in the long term. Although i have yet to see results personally so i cant speak from experience. I agree with the other person, used with caution an online forum might help. It can be useful to see others experiences and opinions. I hope you feel better soon. And hey, microwave meals! X

    • Ellen said:

      Well. In my type of trauma therapy, it’s supposed to hurt. You’re supposed to go into the bad feelings, feel them, and then hopefully release them. Not sure if that’s what’s happening with me though. I do find my feelings about therapy and my T vary a lot. Sometimes I ‘love’ him, other times, like now, I wonder if he knows what the hell he is doing. 😦

      I bought a microwave meal at the grocery store and will try it out.

      Thanks.

  3. Ashana M said:

    Ellen, Sometimes that is indeed how it feels.

    Your role is shifting. It isn’t just getting through the day anymore. It is listening to the parts now and trying to take care of them. This part is very sad. You say she cried like someone died. It’s possible someone did. Maybe it was a grandparent or maybe it was a pet, but try to think when the child you were experienced this loss, there was absolutely no one to give any comfort. Try to support her now. Give her something to hug. Give her cuddly blankets and cartoons.

    My experience with parts is that when they first surface, they are very confused. They have no idea what happened or even how to name how they feel. They haven’t been able to organize their experiences. She’s giving you seemingly random pieces–a description of where she lived and an emotion–because it’s all just kind of in there in her head. She doesn’t know what is linked to what, what caused what, what’s important, what’s a detail. This is how she’s organizing it, is by bringing it to the surface in little disorganized bits. You can give her “sad.” You can give her what to do when she’s sad. As you do this, you will feel better also. I’m sure of this. Later, other bits will surface. Eventually, a story will emerge, but the story isn’t down there just waiting to be discovered. No one could put it together into one before. It’s going to take time and it is often going to be dreadful like this, but you’ll start figuring out how to make it less dreadful as time goes on and it will be easier.

    Take care. This is hard work. You are doing well. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you are.

    Fixing the parts is going to fix your life.

    • Ellen said:

      I love how you explain this Ashana. I hope this is the case for me also. I can have hope that fixing the parts will fix my life. I don’t feel it right now, but sometimes faith is needed, right?

      Thank you

      • Ashana M said:

        Sometimes faith is like a drink of water in the desert. 🙂

  4. Hugs….hard is right. The confusing thing for me about counseling is when things would get worse. I noticed that many times after counseling I felt worse. I measured progress in years not days. Amazing progress that this part feels safe enough to come with her story. Each story is difficult. They are all part of your story. Hoping you find some measure of peace in coming days.

  5. Cat said:

    This is quite a change to your most recent posts and the reason I start by saying that is in the hope that you might remember the better times. The times when therapy feels as if it IS paying off…

    When I read your post, I wondered if this hit you hard because it is a new part with no other details other than feeling upset and that must feel disconcerting, at best.

    I hope things feel better soon, Ellen

    • Ellen said:

      OK, I’ll try and remember those times, thanks.

      It is very disconcerting. I don’t know what it’s about. I can guess, but it’s like guessing about another person.

      Thank you Cat.

      • Cat said:

        In many ways, I suppose it is guessing about another person. How are you feeling now?

        • Ellen said:

          I’m better again, thanks Cat. take care.

  6. Ashana M said:

    Is it any better?

    Just checking in. I want to be your friend, but I am not pushing you. It’s not because I feel sorry for you. We are both going through the same kind of crap. We don’t have rough days at the same time, but we have the same kind of rough days. If you reach out, I am here.

    Sending warm thoughts your way.

    Our weather is the opposite of yours. It is so cold for you that you can hardly go outside. Here, in the days, it is colder inside than outside. The houses are just relentlessly cold and mostly dark because of how they are constructed, but we get about 5 or 6 hours of lovely, beautiful sunshine. It must be hard on the kid not to get to go outside and see sunshine anymore.

    • Ellen said:

      Hi Ashana – Thanks for checking in. Sorry it’s taking me a while to respond to comments. I am better, but also kind of shut down and not wanting to write. It’s like it was so painful, I just had to shut it away, and I can still feel it, but at more of a distance. If that makes sense. As I don’t have a story, I feel I don’t have a way of making sense of it.

      I think winter can be worse in places where it does not get so cold, because as you say, houses aren’t built for it, plus you don’t have the clothes for it. At least here, inside is warm! And if I put on enough clothes, outside is bearable also. Yes, it is hard on the kid not getting outside as much. But as parts need to be outside, I still go out for part of each day, most days. I also want to buy skates. Lovely that you have the sunshine at least.

      Thanks for the warm thoughts. Hope you are doing OK today. I’ll read your posts and find out. Take care.

      • Ashana M said:

        It does get to a point when shutting down seems like all you can do. It is okay to shut things away periodically. Life can’t be done at that constant intensity.

        Take care.

  7. Jay said:

    I have only seen this post now but have read your responses and trust you are able to take care of yourself during this period. You are not bad. I know it may not help hearing this from someone but all your parts are acceptable and legitimate. May you have the strength to get through this dip in the therapy process. From what you’ve written here previously, you seem to have innate toughness and I have faith in you xx

    • Ellen said:

      I am actually quite tough. Thank you Jay. I hope I don’t scare anyone with some of my darker updates. Healing from trauma is difficult. I guess the sense of badness is very ingrained – it comes up for me in all sorts of circumstances. Thanks for the kind words.

  8. Gosh, I have spent so much time between (and during) sessions thinking to myself that this whole trauma processing nonsense is only making me worse. And in some ways, I’m right. It brought out the parts. It unboxed a load of horrific memories I didn’t want. It through my life into chaos at a time I REALLY needed it to be calm. But a year later, I can start to see how working through some of this has strengthened me and led me to make better choices. I still question if therapy is right for me on an almost daily basis, though. It is not easy stuff. Supporting you and hoping things ease up soon.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for sharing a bit of your story Fumbling. It sounds somewhat hopeful. Hoping you find a good T. Take care.

  9. Dealing with traumatic times is extremely difficult and it brought me into some dark years. However, I have come through it and have created a life I love and deserve. I am so fully human, fully alive. I don’t think I need to be fixed all the time. I still have my severe PTSD but know how to manage it and create a good life for myself with it. To get here I had to go through tremendous darkness. You need supports. I had my husband and therapist. Seems like blogging is another form of support. I am here if you need me.

  10. manyofus1980 said:

    I’m sorry your feeling like nothing is worth it or matters. When your stuck in trauma mode, its easy to feel so overwhelmed that you dont care, or things seem like they’ll never get better. They will, though. Perhaps you could see why that part is crying? If you ask maybe they’ll respond? XX

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