Nighttime

I cannot sleep. I’ve been sleeping better, overall, but today, not so much. I will go back to sleep eventually, I almost always do.

Today I wandered around in some antique / used furniture stores. I have been wanting to make my place nicer, and some furniture would help. Maybe a coffee table. Definitely book shelves. I don’t want to go to a big box store, so I’m checking out some second hand. I can’t decide what I want, so buy nothing. I’ve little practice buying furniture and so am bad at it.

I haven’t heard about the contract. I wish they’d let me know. I suspect I didn’t get it, but i don’t know.

I mean to do housework, but I can’t. The vacuum cleaner sits, plugged in and ready, and I don’t turn it on. I’m too down, in the mornings, and need to get out of the house. I cheer up when out – being around people jerks me back to normality. Then I get home, and I feel too tired to vacuum. Stupid.

I have realized I need to do more than go to therapy in order to heal. Parts is a big problem. I really can’t do it on my own. On the weekend, I went to an ACoA meeting that meets Saturdays. It was good, though I don’t remember much of it. It felt good to sit with other people also trying to deal with difficult FOO. I left right after the meeting. I probably should have stayed and gone for coffee. One woman, another new person, said goodbye to me. Maybe if I keep going, I can make some connections there.

Sunday I went to a morning service. I had a long conversations after with a woman who is a chaplain in hospitals. That was so interesting to me – so different from my world. She had a journalism background, which was why we started talking. I don’t know though – she’s a professional Christian. She might have been talking to me just as part of her job. You have to be friendly as a chaplain. I find at this church, the regular people are difficult to engage with. They already have their friends there.

Anyway. Those were two things I did that were nurturing, and involved talking to people. Today I could have gone to another meeting, but didn’t. It was so cold and dark. And I didn’t have supper ready in time, quite.

I’m trying to think of going to things as nurturing myself. Rather than as scary events I’m dragging parts to, unreasonably. That view helps during the day. Once it gets dark, it gets harder.

I also consider going to yoga class, and meditation. I haven’t managed to do those things yet. Both of them can trigger big feelings, so I’m leery. It’s hard to go to something that will likely make you feel worse.

I must start applying to jobs. I’m avoiding this, trying to feel better. Applying to jobs makes me feel worse. But. Overall, it would be a good idea.

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4 comments
  1. Ashana M said:

    It’s wonderful to read your posts lately. It just seems like you’re zipping long, making huge kinds of progress. I mean, that’s not the reason I read them. But I feel so happy for you.

    I know what you mean about mixed feelings about things. Some parts really need one thing. Another part finds it totally scary. It makes it hard. Can you talk to them and explain about the others? Do they know about one another?

    Take care. 🙂

    • Ellen said:

      Interesting, because I actually feel stuck in a depression. But sometimes, I also think, maybe I’m moving forward. It is easier to try new things when not working at least.

      I’m not sure if they all know about the others. My outgoing kid part knows about the teenaged part. The rest, I’m not sure. One thinks she is the only one. I think it’s one of the most difficult things, having split opinions and wishes about decisions. Sometimes it seems the scared parts get their way almost all the time. Well, it’s a learning experience.

      You take care also, and thanks.

  2. manyofus1980 said:

    I hope you got back to sleep. I think its so good that your doing stuff to nurture you and your parts. It all helps. Have a good day xoxo

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