Odds and Sods

Aargh, I am missing my T. I’m not missing the difficult stuff – getting into various flavours of pain and dysfunction. Since that’s what happens in therapy, if I was rational, I’d be feeling relief that I have a break. I miss the person. I miss someone caring about me for fifty minutes. I miss a sense of connection.

It’s feeling like a really long break. It’s actually a week, but last week’s session was Monday, and this week’s is Friday, so it seems like two. And as well, I started feeling lonely almost immediately after the last session. I could reach out by email. I did once, last weekend. But emails are supposed to be when I’m really distressed. I’m not at the end of my rope here, I just feel lost and lonely.

It’s minus thirty with wind chill outside. I was contemplating a group that runs Wednesdays, but I think it’s just too darn cold out there. I bravely ventured forth twice today already, and still feel a tingling on exposed parts of my face. Those temperatures are wicked.

I’ve been reading a book on Jung. I find I’m more interested in some of his concepts than others. I’m interested in the concepts of projection and the shadow. I’m less interested in his theory of archetypes, and quite irritated by the anima animus theory. I know i have to take that in the context of the time it was written, and try to edit out the sexist assumptions, but just the thought makes me tired.

I’m napping too much. But on the other hand, I’m sleeping more normally again, only waking once per night.

Last night, I woke from a nightmare of a murdered child. Not sure if it was my child, or a part of me that was murdered. I woke with heart pounding, and could not feel safe for a long time after.

A homeless man froze to death last night in a bush shelter right in the centre of the city. He was wearing only a t-shirt and pants. This news has really distressed me. I know there are tragedies around the world, but this one is right here, caused by stupidity or apathy. Many people must have seen this man. Why did no one call?

Odds and sods.

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15 comments
  1. manyofus1980 said:

    I know the lonely feeling. I started back at therapy yesterday after a 3 week break. We did have some check ins by phone during the break, but still. I was so happy to see our therapist when we went yesterday. I hope when you see Ron that your able to tell him how you were feeling. XX

    • Ellen said:

      Glad you finally got back to therapy – three weeks is a long break. Thanks Many.

  2. I’m sorry to hear about the homeless man. It can be so hard being invisible in a crowd. That kind of cold is tough. I don’t miss it at all. Hoping things go better through the rest of the week.

    • Ellen said:

      I wonder if I identify with him somewhat, if that’s why it bothers me a lot. That feeling of being invisible and not important to anyone, not important enough for saving? Well, it’s going to warm up here in a few days apparently. I’m OK at minus ten and above. Thanks Ruth.

      • Your not invisible to me. I may live far away but I watch for your post and am cheering for you from my computer. I don’t miss the ultra cold. I hope things keep warming up.

  3. Cat said:

    Whenever I see new year fireworks from major cities around the world, I always feel ashamed that people are living on our streets during these cold winter months… how shameful. -30 must be a challenge to live in. The south of the UK has only had one or two mornings when the car windscreen was frosty. Tonight we have a temp of 8oC.

    That was a weird dream… I wonder what it meant.

    • Ellen said:

      Me too – it is shameful. Especially in rich nations like ours. I would love 8 degrees. I would also love -8 degrees, lol.

      I think some dreams are just bad, and don’t need going into. Murdered children are clearly a bad situation – what else do I need to know? But maybe I’ll mention it in my session tomorrow. Thanks Cat.

      • Cat said:

        This comment got lost n my notifications. I think some dreams are just dreams, but I thought this one held significance. Shall I tell you what I thought?

        *Cat imagines Ellen cautiously nodding*

        I’m not too big on generalised dream interpretations, but a lot does hold weight. I remember death in a dream signifies the birth of the new. I didn’t necessarily think this was the death of a child part, but I did think it could signify the birth of the new you that we are witnessing shinning through. Take the way you have allowed E to control the relationship by always suggesting what to do. The birth of the new is you taking control, of exerting what YOU would like to do and when it should take place. It’s also about no longer blaming yourself for the way the friendship operates. Maybe the birth of the new is self-assurance, of banishing self-blame
        Then I wondered where the child comes into it and thought maybe as those old traits originate in childhood, perhaps that is the death of the child side. Mmmmm… I wonder if that makes sense. At the end of the day, with dreams, when we find an accurate interpretation, it either sounds/feels right, or it doesn’t, so I can accept if you think I’m reading too much into it 😉

        • Ellen said:

          I’ve never heard this before Cat. Interesting. And of course I am cautiously nodding. 🙂

          It would be hopeful to think this was the birth of something new.

          I mentioned this dream in therapy a few days ago, but we didn’t get anywhere with it really. Because the dream scared me and I woke up afraid, I’d assumed it was a negative dream, maybe to do with my son, as I feel he was damaged growing up. But….nothing just clicked. So maybe it did symbolize a birth or new direction. I’ll have to wait for a follow-up dream for more clues.

          Thanks for giving your hopeful interpretation.

          • Cat said:

            Yes, it is the same with tarot cards. The death card always symbolises new 😉 I knew you’d be cautiously nodding

  4. Jay said:

    Sending you strings for your time apart from Ron. The duration of the break doesn’t seem to matter as much as the state we’re in or the events that occur while apart. The thing that always gets me is that our hearts ache at the separation while our therapists, I am sure, don’t have to sit with the same feeling. I know their detachment is what helps keep their issues out of our therapy, but it still seems odd 🙂

    • Ellen said:

      Strings? Not sure how strings would help – are you in the UK? Some terms I don’t know.

      I agree about the state we’re in being most important. Therapist do not have the same feelings at all, I’m sure also. For one thing, we’re their work. Plus they have maybe twenty five clients, and we only have them. Plus they support us, but we don’t support them. Anyway. It is uncomfortable that it’s such an intense one way feeling. Or at least, the intensity is not matched. I’ve struggled a lot with this aspect of therapy, the lopsided feelings. It’s definitely not Love Story 2. lol. Thanks for commenting Jay.

  5. Jay said:

    My computer autocorrected the word! It should have said “strongs”… as in sending you any strength you may need to help you through these feelings x

    • Ellen said:

      lol. Strongs. Thank you Jay

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