Such very short days, and mostly darkish and overcast, though today was sunny and cold for a change. I went to church and sang in the choir today. It’s nice to be part of something outside myself. Just I get paranoid. At one point, the choir leader talked to the sopranos – there were only two of us – and I was certain he was only talking to my neighbour, and so I got offended, and wouldn’t sing the next song. Well, when I got home, I started thinking. How on earth do I know he was only talking to her, leaving me out as if I wasn’t there? I thought he was only making eye contact with her, and ignoring me. But really – is that a good measure? Maybe he feels more comfortable with her – I’m new after all. He likely was trying to speak to both of us. I’m completely paranoid. Well – I know my social interactions aren’t going particularly well. But I can’t work out what’s going wrong. So I end up angry and worried.
I feel I must have some people in my life, so I’m making these various attempts to be sociable, in ways that don’t feel overwhelming to me. For instance, going to the speed dating for over forties event feels overwhelming. But attending a service and singing in the tiny choir feels doable. But even that is not easy. If I stay alone, I don’t get into these difficulties. But – then I stay alone.
I have not re-connected with E since our last outing about a month ago. I don’t feel much impulse to call her. We really have almost nothing in common. But then, here I am, mostly friendless and alone. Yet being with a friend who is not really a friend is not worth so much either. At least this way, I’m honest about who I am.
Ron never says much about my lack of a social life. I know, as a therapist, he considers connections important. However, mine are not working out. I have decided that I tend to try to connect with the wrong people – people who have difficulty connecting with others in one way or another. That feels very familiar to me. But what I need to do is connect with people I genuinely like, people who have some self-confidence perhaps. People who are somewhat comfortable with feelings. But I have tended to befriend people who don’t scare me. That’s not really a good enough reason for friendship.
I guess with talking to other people, the dissociative disorder is a problem. For one thing, because I keep the whole side of my life that deals with therapy and trying to heal private, yet that is a huge part of who I am at the moment. I don’t have a lot of events to talk about, because so much of my time is either lost, or spent dealing with exhaustion. I don’t want to talk about my family, as my FOO is f’ed up, and my own attempt at family was disastrous. Not the kind of thing you chit chat about.
The other way the dissociation is a problem is that child parts tend to leak out, and people may judge me as anxious and odd.
So you could say, when someone’s relationships are all foundering, that there is something wrong with the person, not the friends. I am the common denominator after all. There is likely some truth to that. But, that’s not what Ron says. I haven’t asked him bluntly. But what he has said, kind of by the way, is that I’m trying to connect with people who are profoundly unable to connect. Coming down more on the side of I’m picking difficult people, rather than there is a huge flaw in me.
I’m contemplating this as a write it, and it calms me down. I need to find people that actually like a person with feelings, and whom I like. I need to not plunk for the safety of the familiar. That is a more hopeful spin on things than the huge personal flaw theory.