I’m not looking forward to therapy tomorrow. I don’t feel trust for Ron. I’m wondering if he knows what he’s doing, especially for dissociative disorders. I’m remembering how awful group was for me, and how he couldn’t help me with it. If anything, he made things somewhat worse. But – I hate feeling like this. Without trust. Suspicious.
Today was rough and I’m in a dark place again. I went to the dentist. That unfailingly triggers me. Even though the appointment was easy – one small filling, the last of a series. The dentist is young, female, and fairly kind. It’s having things in my mouth. I don’t even feel particular discomfort at the time. But after, I am plunged into feelings of helplessness, smallness, and being overwhelmed. No body memories though this time. I’m hoping I can get through it today, just spending time in bed, not fighting it so much.
Then, I went for a job interview Monday. I thought it went quite well. Not like last time, where it was clear the manager was not going to hire me. This time I answered questions with confidence. The manager went and brought in a second manager to speak to me, which I took as a good sign. I had a good feeling overall. Well, they were supposed to let me know by Wednesday, today, and I did not get a call. So I’m thinking I didn’t get the job once again. It’s not a tragedy – the rate was not very good, and the pay from my current contract hasn’t even stopped yet, so I’m not feeling a pinch. And yet. I keep failing. Ouch. Trying not to take it personally. Yet of course I do.
Well. I hope to be back to a more normal mood by tomorrow night for my session. I don’t trust Ron to be able to help me when I don’t have my own judgement about how to proceed. When I’m in a black hole, I lose my judgement and have to rely on him. Which doesn’t work, because he doesn’t understand what the problem is.
Which is kind of sad, considering Ron is basically my connection to the human race. I have a friendship with my ex, and a phone friendship with a friend who lives across the country, and some acquaintances. Ron knows my story best. Though I don’t really know his. It’s not an even relationship.
I think one of my hindrances is I don’t have a story to go with the feelings. So it seems I don’t work through anything. It’s just mysterious batches of feelings arising together in a predictable way over and over again.