Missing trust

I’m not looking forward to therapy tomorrow. I don’t feel trust for Ron. I’m wondering if he knows what he’s doing, especially for dissociative disorders. I’m remembering how awful group was for me, and how he couldn’t help me with it. If anything, he made things somewhat worse. But – I hate feeling like this. Without trust. Suspicious.

Today was rough and I’m in a dark place again. I went to the dentist. That unfailingly triggers me. Even though the appointment was easy – one small filling, the last of a series. The dentist is young, female, and fairly kind. It’s having things in my mouth. I don’t even feel particular discomfort at the time. But after, I am plunged into feelings of helplessness, smallness, and being overwhelmed. No body memories though this time. I’m hoping I can get through it today, just spending time in bed, not fighting it so much.

Then, I went for a job interview Monday. I thought it went quite well. Not like last time, where it was clear the manager was not going to hire me. This time I answered questions with confidence. The manager went and brought in a second manager to speak to me, which I took as a good sign. I had a good feeling overall. Well, they were supposed to let me know by Wednesday, today, and I did not get a call. So I’m thinking I didn’t get the job once again. It’s not a tragedy – the rate was not very good, and the pay from my current contract hasn’t even stopped yet, so I’m not feeling a pinch. And yet. I keep failing. Ouch. Trying not to take it personally. Yet of course I do.

Well. I hope to be back to a more normal mood by tomorrow night for my session. I don’t trust Ron to be able to help me when I don’t have my own judgement about how to proceed. When I’m in a black hole, I lose my judgement and have to rely on him. Which doesn’t work, because he doesn’t understand what the problem is.

Which is kind of sad, considering Ron is basically my connection to the human race. I have a friendship with my ex, and a phone friendship with a friend who lives across the country, and some acquaintances. Ron knows my story best. Though I don’t really know his. It’s not an even relationship.

I think one of my hindrances is I don’t have a story to go with the feelings. So it seems I don’t work through anything. It’s just mysterious batches of feelings arising together in a predictable way over and over again.

  1. You do have a relationship with Ron – just a very particular kind of relationship XX

    • Ellen said:

      Hi DB! Yes, it’s true. Thanks.

  2. Ashana M said:

    I think it’s easy to make an assumption that it’s the story that really counts. You can connect up why you are doing what you are doing now with things that happened in the past and that will make things all need and tidy. That would probably be lovely, but I don’t think it works that way with dissociative issues. It’s so much about working with the feelings. So many parts of you never had anyone to hear even the bare fact of their emotions. Even that much understanding they didn’t get. Telling the story is just kind of a screen to play the feelings out on. It doesn’t matter in itself.

    You’re doing good work and you are getting somewhere.

    No, he doesn’t know everything you need to know in order to cope with life, but maybe eventually you’ll sort out the part you need to know for yourself.

    Take care.

    • Ellen said:

      But but but….you seem to be discovering your story. Well. What you say makes sense though, and it’s comforting, because in this case, I may be making progress, though it feels like being stuck in the muck mostly. It is true, no one had an interest in how I felt as a child, so having Ron, and also myself, take an interest is likely healing. Thanks very much for the encouragement Ashana.

      • Ashana M said:

        Eventually, that does seem to happen, but I don’t know that it’s the point. I think it’s being able to articulate the feelings to someone else and have them be cared abot that matters so much. It does seem like you’re making progress these days. Take care.

  3. Cat said:

    I don’t think I can contribute much because of my limited knowledge of parts, however, I can appreciate how incredibly difficult it must be to face such a challenging set of trauma memory/associations with a Therapist and within that allocated 50mins slot. I would tend to agree that it might take a very experienced T to help you process this safely. I hope you’re able to talk to Ron about how you feel, after all, it is what’s coming up for you in the moment. And, good luck with the job hunting. It can’t be easy juggling the two

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, the memories mostly happen after the therapy session is over, which is difficult. And by the time of my next session, I could barely remember how I’d felt after the previous, though we did discuss it, as I ‘d sent an email. It was as if a different person had sent that email, and I was trying to piece together how I’d felt at the time. Anyhow. Thanks Cat.

      • Cat said:

        I have the same problem remembering one session to the next, but have found writing helpful. I will write as much as possible (not for blog) after both sessions and reread it before my next session. Lots of new realisations can also come out while writing.

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