I took this post down. Then a bloggy friend was interested, so here it is again. I’m feeling differently about all this now. Being in parts is complicated. Now I am appreciating more that Ron is not afraid of trauma or parts. He never wants to shut things down if they’re coming up anyway, and I do understand that part of it also. Dunno. I’m not able to function today, really, but maybe it will help in the end. I suspect some of my anger and outrage was part of the memory. So this was the original post.
I’m back to wanting to quit therapy. I haven’t been here for a while, not since group finished. It seems therapy has made everything worse, and I’m blaming Ron for that. This is a rant from one point of view only – reader beware, ya ha ha.
I know from reading blogs that many clients continually love their therapists. They may go through all kinds of crap, but they never blame the T. I don’t get that. How can your feelings for someone be so unchanging? I also envy it – thinking of someone as continuously supportive and loving must feel good.
I know intellectually I’ve felt positive about Ron in the past and that he has helped me, and that I’ve felt connected to him also. I know he works hard at connecting and ‘being with’ his clients. But right now – I am angry with him. I sent off an angry email in the middle of the night, to which he hasn’t replied.
I felt like I was doing pretty well. I’d got my sleep back to a large extent. I’d been waking every two hours, but last week, I’d only wake once, and then go back to sleep fairly soon. I think it’s partly a new supplement I’ve tried which lowers cortisol, and partly the lack of immediate stress from work. Plus I was paying attention to parts, and therapy was going pretty well.
I knew I didn’t want to go yesterday. Reason being, I’d fallen asleep in the afternoon, then awoken in a deep dark foggy place, which happens to me sometimes. I’m not sure what the problem is – I either am waking up with partial body memories, or in a very young part that can’t communicate well. Or something. I’ve tried to work on this in therapy before, and it’s never helped. I tell Ron about this. He insists on working with what is coming up. And of course it’s made everything worse, so instead of subsiding again, I’ve had this stuff around all day today. Last night it was back to barely sleeping.
I know we can’t approach this directly the way Ron wants to – it’s buried too deep, and it destabilizes me too much. I told him it wouldn’t help, but we continued. He always works with whatever is coming up.
To be fair, I could have changed the subject. I did, towards the end. There were a lot of things I’d been wanting to talk about after all.
I don’t think working with stuff coming up is always good. There is a way it helps, if it’s in small enough chunks so that I can process it. But just being massively triggered doesn’t help me one bit. I didn’t remember anything new about it. I knew I wouldn’t. It’s a mysterious choking blackness.
So, I feel a lot worse than I did. I don’t think it’s helping me heal. I’m so mad.
Any thoughts on being re-traumatized vs. feeling so we can heal?