After ‘working from home’ for a few days, I’ve pretty much detached from my work struggles. I’ve met once since the big announcement with a co-worker and my boss, who invited us out to coffee. Apparently we’re all pals now, and me and this boss are now linked-in connections, at his invite. I didn’t go so far as to endorse him for anything, but I thought about it. Stupid. Everyone is endorsing everyone else at the moment. Anyway, I no longer have any interest whatsoever in exploring past interactions.
Being at home is a chance for me to do some healing. I’ve found myself struggling in the mornings, with no clear reason to get out of the house. I couldn’t make myself do any chores whatsoever – just a huge exhaustion and inner complaining. I’ve started to get myself outside first thing now – which isn’t that early, around eleven. But I don’t make myself do dishes or start laundry, which incites an all day rebellion of exhausted depression. What I need to do it seems is get outside.
Walking around, I lug my camera and a bit of cash for a tea. I pay attention to how I feel – that is, I allow parts to be loud enough so I can feel what they’re feeling. The trick is not being overwhelmed by it, yet allowing it to happen. So I feel I’m processing things somewhat by walking around. I take a few pictures, then stop for a tea. The weather is darkish but not too cold, so this is doable. Parts of me are not interested in the usual things I like – they especially are not interested in reading, which is my go-to activity. They want to walk around, look at things, maybe listen to the i-pod. Be around people. Not work. Not read. Not think in an abstract way. Just feel and experience.
When I come back from this, I am a bit more ready to do some chores. A few. Then eat and head out for errands. Errands are OK with parts, as they involve going out.
It’s a new attitude, but I’m going with it. I’m glad I have space to try it out. It means I don’t get stuck at home in a depression. However, I guess I’m also not looking for work, or getting other stuff done. Still, I need to get some mental health in place – a bit of optimism. If I’m constantly fighting with younger parts, how can that happen? I have to take care of these parts, now, after all these years.
I’d be interested – does anyone else find they need to do things that they would not usually want to do in order to heal? Not just give in to depression and not do things that need to be done, which I am all to familiar with, but actively doing things that may feel a bit odd or other?