Going out

More_sky_branchAfter ‘working from home’ for a few days, I’ve pretty much detached from my work struggles. I’ve met once since the big announcement with a co-worker and my boss, who invited us out to coffee. Apparently we’re all pals now, and me and this boss are now linked-in connections, at his invite. I didn’t go so far as to endorse him for anything, but I thought about it. Stupid. Everyone is endorsing everyone else at the moment. Anyway, I no longer have any interest whatsoever in exploring past interactions.

Being at home is a chance for me to do some healing. I’ve found myself struggling in the mornings, with no clear reason to get out of the house. I couldn’t make myself do any chores whatsoever – just a huge exhaustion and inner complaining. I’ve started to get myself outside first thing now – which isn’t that early, around eleven. But I don’t make myself do dishes or start laundry, which incites an all day rebellion  of exhausted depression. What I need to do it seems is get outside.

Walking around, I lug my camera and a bit of cash for a tea. I pay attention to how I feel – that is, I allow parts to be loud enough so I can feel what they’re feeling. The trick is not being overwhelmed by it, yet allowing it to happen. So I feel I’m processing things somewhat by walking around. I take a few pictures, then stop for a tea. The weather is darkish but not too cold, so this is doable. Parts of me are not interested in the usual things I like – they especially are not interested in reading, which is my go-to activity. They want to walk around, look at things, maybe listen to the i-pod. Be around people. Not work. Not read. Not think in an abstract way. Just feel and experience.

When I come back from this, I am a bit more ready to do some chores. A few. Then eat and head out for errands. Errands are OK with parts, as they involve going out.

It’s a new attitude, but I’m going with it. I’m glad I have space to try it out. It means I don’t get stuck at home in a depression. However, I guess I’m also not looking for work, or getting other stuff done. Still, I need to get some mental health in place – a bit of optimism. If I’m constantly fighting with younger parts, how can that happen? I have to take care of these parts, now, after all these years.

I’d be interested – does anyone else find they need to do things that they would not usually want to do in order to heal? Not just give in to depression and not do things that need to be done, which I am all to familiar with, but actively doing things that may feel a bit odd or other?

  1. There was a period of time towards the beginning if my healing process when I collected children’s picture books and would sometimes have my husband read them to me.

    • Ellen said:

      Seems like an excellent thing to do. Thanks for sharing that Cat.

  2. Linkedin and your endorsing comment- that really made me laugh! So true!

  3. Ashana M said:

    This is really, really good to hear. What you are doing now is much more important than other, day-to-day things you might be doing. If you can afford it, stick with it. That’s my advice. There is a huge pay-off later that doing the laundry just doesn’t have.

    • Ellen said:

      Glad it makes sense to you Ashana. So I’ll continue to put laundry on the back burner then. 😉 It all does take time but it feels meaningful somehow. Thanks

  4. Gel said:

    I like the photo. (I assume you took it?)

    as for your question: “does anyone else find they need to do things that they would not usually want to do in order to heal? Not just give in to depression and not do things that need to be done, which I am all to familiar with, but actively doing things that may feel a bit odd or other?”

    Yes absolutely!
    I often do not want to dance or walk or cook but I keep doing them and tho cooking is not “odd” and it is productive, sometimes the way I do it is odd and extravagant and not practical. Probably not many people would think my form of dance is practical or “normal”. It doesn’t fit most definitions of dance.

    I think the way you put it is great…”not just giving into depression and not just doing things that need to be done”….That in between place can be a rich resource into your deeper inner guide. I would go further to notice what is it that you decide to do in that in between place? Or how do you recognize what to do ….not going by conventional shoulds and not just collapsing into the rut of depression….it sounds highly creative to me.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks. Yeah, I took it.

      I like how you describe the ‘in between place’. It does seem to be what i need to do at the moment. Your cooking and dance sound like great things to do.

      Thank you.

  5. Grainne said:

    This one gave me goosebumps. I also try to force myself outside with my camera to capture some still moments of beauty. I can then spend some time inside touching the photos up and it absorbs my energy for a while.

    I’m glad you got some time away. Even though the battle at home can be hard, I think it’s important to break from some of the exterior stresses now and then. Today, I’d crawl into a hole to get away, if I could.

    Hoping you find some peace today.

    • Ellen said:

      Taking pictures is great isn’t it? I stopped for about a year, but I’m glad I picked it up again. I find it soothing – also looking them over after, though i don’t do much touching up myself.

      Thank you.

  6. Gel said:

    I got an email notice about today’s post “Mud” but when I clicked on the link it took me to a page saying “page not found”.
    Where’s Mud? I wanted to comment on it.

    • Ellen said:

      Hi Gel – Did you read it? I became very ashamed of it and took it down. It was an angry and confused post and I am feeling differently about it all already. But I’d love to know your comment if you read it. I guess I could put it back. Are you ever ashamed of posts?

      • Gel said:

        Yes I read it in my email. As usual I wanted to think about it before commenting.
        Wow I would never have guessed that you’d feel shame about that post. I didn’t get a huge hit of anger coming through either. I won’t write my comment here right now because i’m in the middle of a cooking project. But yes I’ll share my thoughts. If you put the post back on your blog I’ll write there or if not then I can just email my thoughts to you directly.

        Yes I’ve had some shame feelings come up after writing some posts. I did take one down because of that. But also because I was worried that the person I was venting about in the post – I thought might read it. Other posts I’ve felt shame but also decided it was part of the process and left them up.

  7. Cat said:

    I find walking helps me in so many different ways, sometimes I can think things through, other times it helps push them out of my mind.

  8. Yes. I take pictures and color and rode a roller coaster. It is like parts of me were finally released and allowed to do what I wanted to do all along. I think your day sounded lovely.

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