Odds and sods

birch_pathThe weekend was OK. Saturday I ventured into the city to exchange a handbag. I’ve spent a couple of years wanting a real leather bag, so finally I bought one with some birthday money. Really, I could afford it anyway, but I liked using the treat money. It’s a nice bag – rough leather they call ‘tribe’, a nice size, not too big, fairly simple, tan. With gold zippers. Pretty nice. Kid parts love the bag. With kid parts happy, the rest of my day was happier than usual also.

Today off to church once again. A lot of my issues with groups come up. I feel people don’t like me etc. However, at the moment I have an activity there – choir after the service – so I don’t have to stand around trying to talk to people to be part of it. I kind of like choir. But it makes me emotional. Something about hitting certain notes. And I’m not sure, I might be ruining the whole thing? I hope not. I know I’m screechy on the high notes. Trying not to sing too loud.

At home I end up dissociated. Sigh. I guess because I got emotional singing. So I get very sleepy. I take a nap. Wake up switched to a younger part, and so down, down in the pit. I am supposed to go have supper with my son but I cancel – I can’t do it. Too too black. So, that’s what I get for venturing out – emotional flashbacks I suppose. It seems hugely unfair. To avoid the feelings, I have to avoid most of life.

The job continues rough. Another run-in with the manager. I feel this time, he was verging on bullying. I’ve turned this incident over and over in my mind and can’t let go of it. It occurred mostly by instant message, as I don’t think he was on site. He suddenly wanted a project in at end of day, and it was just logistically impossible, because it involved other people whose time I don’t control. He became very angry. I keep turning it over – not so much how I could have done this, but how I could have responded differently. I think I should have cut short the text conversation. It went on for 45 minutes. I could have pretended to lose connectivity for instance. Or I could have agreed to do my best to get it done, even though I knew it wouldn’t be. He seems to react badly to the truth, but less badly when things come up later that prevent a project from getting in.

I guess, when someone goes in with the premise that you are of subnormal intelligence, plus incompetent, every exchange becomes saturated with those preconceptions. He questions everything I say, with so much ?!? type punctuation to every sentence. Anyway. In the end, it turned out just as I’d said, and he backed down. But he never apologizes. I get to suck it up.

I’m thinking of raising it again with him, just to express a bit of my own feelings about it. Not sure if it is a good idea, but I really feel like I want to do it. I have the conversation saved. We could go over it, and discuss. Not sure at all.

The other big news in my world is that last week, and a week after the incident I’m describing, we learned that the entire project is being shut down. I’m mainly relieved. This project was not turning around for me. Now to have the contract end, no fault of mine, not fired, didn’t quit – yay. It’s true it’s a slow time of year, but yay anyway. I can survive a few months with no work. So everyone loses their jobs, including my boss and his boss. Can’t say I greatly care.

And therapy. I meant to write it down right after, didn’t, and I seem to be blanking. I did go. I’d just learned about the project shutting down that afternoon, so I talked about that a bit. And I read Ron the instant message conversation I’d had with the boss. Later, I felt ashamed of reading it out, as if I’d done something really wrong. Which is irrational. I did not do anything wrong. But. When I’m the victim of something, I feel guilty.

I remember this part. I felt like Ron’s face was different from last time. He looked maybe more tired, and puzzled. For a while I didn’t say anything. But then a kid part was talking, and she said it. Your face looks different from last week. Different how? Like maybe you’re more tired or puzzled.

Ron started saying how in my world, I’m often trying to read people but can’t – I’m not sure what’s going on or where they’re coming from. Like with my former boss, and this boss. I’m always trying to guess. So he thinks it makes sense for me to say how he appears, and he can say what is true for him. So that day, he said he was trying to think if he did feel more tired. He said maybe a bit.

We ended with the teenage part speaking, and crying quite a bit. It seems like I need parts to express themselves. In this session, parts were influencing a lot of the goings on, even when I didn’t completely switch. It’s like my emotions are held in the parts. When I just talk from my adult perspective, a lot of the reality seems left away.

  1. Ashana M said:

    I’m glad the week went okay. It seems somehow like you’re making a lot of progress.

    For me, the parts have gotten the emotions also. “Me” mostly got to make decisions. I think it was more extreme than in your case, but the way you describe it feels very similar.

    The guessing part you describe makes a lot of sense to me too.

    • Ellen said:

      I also feel a kinship when I read your posts Ashana, though of course it’s all more extreme in your case. But some of the underlying mechanisms seem the same. It’s hard to explain so it makes sense to people who don’t dissociate in this way.

      I wonder if it’s something about having an abuse background that makes people difficult to read, or if it’s hard for everyone.


      • Ashana M said:

        I think maybe different parts are seeing different things, so it’s hard to see a whole picture.

        Also, i think there are people in one’s family background–perpetrators or just inadequate parents–that just think differently (as in sort of inhumanly) and it’s hard to sort what a “typical” mindset might be. You end up never trusting yourself.

        Take care.

        • Ellen said:

          Interesting. Not sure if it’s a parts issue for me or not. I do know I was ‘gaslighted’ to some extent by my family, with everyone pretending what was happening really wasn’t. May have something to do with how situations and people confuse me. Thanks.

  2. Cat said:

    Maybe the job coming to an end isn’t such a bad thing… nasty man of a boss. I’m afraid I would need to have it out with him at a later date, especially since the logistics of his demands were impossible and he should think of this in future before going off on a rant… mind you, if the company is going bust, you might not want the trouble.

    I always admire how, despite the difficulties with groups of people, you continue to put yourself out there. According to our group therapist, this is where change occurs…mmmm… not so easy to see, but I’m guessing the dissociation afterwards and then parts speaking with Ron, are all part and parcel of that healing process. It certainly sounds like you are opening up more with Ron and maybe also with yourself 😉

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, it’s not terrible. Unemployment is not the best, but other things are worse. And I’ve reconsidered going over this with the boss. You’re right, it’s over, and it’s not worth it. He’s friendly enough at the moment, and might still give me a reference.

      I think change happens if you start to do something different. Not sure that I’ve managed that – I feel caught in the same cycles, somehow. However, I appreciate your take on this. Thanks for the kind words Cat.

      • Cat said:

        I guess change can take a long time, but I like to hold onto the hope it doesn’t take forever.

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