This is a difficult evening. I feel so alone and so down. I’m ‘recovering’ from a nap. The naps seems like such a good idea, but they plunge me into despair.

Today I went for a very long walk with a friend and her visitor. The visitor was very friendly and nice. She’s from another country, and knows German better than English, so we talked German a fair bit. I enjoy talking my old native language sometimes.

However, of course we walked much too far for me. It was enjoyable though, and we finished at the special hot chocolate place, where the hot chocolate is thick and spicy with chili. Yum.

Oh, I wish I didn’t have this ‘disability’. This thing that makes me exhausted, needing sleep after a city walk. That makes me wake up thinking about death. That stops me from cooking, from finishing my laundry. Where I wonder vaguely about help lines, about writing to my therapist. Because I feel I can’t survive this. Whatever this is.

Or if I take a bunch of xanax, will it give me a rest, and I can wake tomorrow feeling normal?

I don’t want this, this pain that comes from nowhere. That i don’t know what it is about. I was mistreated? OK. So were lots of people. I wasn’t beaten and locked into a closet. It was a matter of looks, of being lesser, of silences, of small put downs. Where it left off outside, I continued it faithfully on the inside.

That’s the problem, isn’t it. Yes, it happened out there, when we were small. But then, we take in the damage, and we perpetuate it ourselves. No one has to do anything to us anymore – we carry on ourselves, like little wind-up toys.

That’s why this job feels unbearable. Not the few interactions with the boss that feel belittling, damaging. It’s that I swallow the boss, to keep up the belittling for ever. In some way, I agree with him, I’m no good, I will never measure up. If I didn’t agree, it wouldn’t hurt so intensely. It wouldn’t haunt my time off, my weekends and evenings. Or the times I am working quietly, with no one to disturb me.

I cannot set it aside. The awfulness of the job is in my bones and muscles, so I cannot relax.

This darkness though, feels deeper still. As if I am very small and lost. I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong, why I must stay in the dark like this.

I dream of a tiny fairy child, riding back and forth, back and forth on her tiny tricycle. She becomes invisible, and I watch just the tricycle going back and forth. I try to catch the tiny fluttering child in my hands, so I can calm and soothe her, but she eludes my grasp. Another child is there also, with red-blonde hair. She also walks back and forth, crying. I want to help, but don’t know what to do.

  1. Ashana M said:

    It is so hard to be in this process. Take care.

  2. Cat said:

    That’s the trouble, we continue that mistreatment internally; their voice and actions still alive and kicking deep inside, echoing throughout our lives. Lately my own have been more like demonic possessions. I can only imagine the therapy dredges up a lot

    I understand that darkness, Ellen. Sometimes we’re encouraged by our progress, but other days we’re small and lost again.

    I was wondering if both fairy-children were you?

    • Ellen said:

      I’m sorry you suffer in the same way Cat, and I actually think a lot of people do, to different degrees. Why else be so angry and outraged when someone says something against us? If I know for sure it’s untrue, I don’t get angry, I just think the person is an idiot and brush it off. It’s when the attack joins the inner attack already in progress that the attack feels like an outrage.

      Yes, the fairy children are me, or parts of me. I often have the sense of people crying inside.

      Thanks for understanding Cat.

      • Cat said:

        I’m exactly the same with personal attacks. Hope your week is better than last…

  3. Ashana M said:

    I’m just wondering how you are doing.

    • Ellen said:

      Hi Ashana, I’m coping, mainly. Have not felt like writing, but am following your story along. I’m going to write this weekend though, because it helps. Thanks for checking in on me. 🙂

      • Ashana M said:

        I look forward to your posts. 🙂 I’m glad you’re okay. The last one you were having a tough time, so then I wondered.

  4. Jay said:

    It saddens me to read that you are in this horrible, dark space. I always find it amazing that part of our development as children allows for internalising the bad as well as the good. We rely on our caregivers and close others for survival in those critical years and choose to see ourselves as bad and at fault rather than them, because we need them. So many people survive physically but emerge a psychological wreck. It is ironic and tragic. Wishing you strength in this time.

    P.S. Have you established why your boss is so horrible to you? From what it sounds like, he doesn’t seem like an happy individual and that is leaking onto those closest to him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was bullied or beaten as a child.

    • Ellen said:

      Hi Jay – Yes, I agree with you on this. It’s also difficult to separate out what feelings are from the past and which ones are caused by present circumstances. If I ran every time I had difficulties, I’d stay home forever!

      I totally haven’t established the boss’ motivations. He does seem to split people into bad and good, and I landed on bad. However, I’m trying different things and I feel like I’m making headway in changing this dynamic. I hope so anyhow.

      Thanks for the comment. Take care.

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