I suddenly feel I cannot go on. I will call in sick to work tomorrow. I just can’t do it. I’ve felt exhausted all day and didn’t get groceries or much else done. Though I did get my new couch set up, and i’m happy about that. I did go to church. I get something out of services, but I feel socially like a failure there. I did try and meet the eyes of the two women sitting in my area, but they wouldn’t meet mine. I felt I wanted to have a conversation, but I couldn’t bear small talk, I just couldn’t. So I decided coffee time is not for me. The minister and one of the wardens do kind of reach out to me….I feel like they’d like to know my story. Just I’d have to go up to them and start talking, and it’s difficult. I don’t go there that often. They’re a very small congregation, so want more members. I like that they’re small. They’re super left leaning, for a church. For instance today, they showed a video of the congregation’s views on the necessity of gay marriage in the church. I’m all for it. Just they seem a bit behind the times…that issue is so commonplace to me, I don’t know, shouldn’t they have resolved it and moved on by now? If Christ welcomed all, how can the church exclude so many? The whole debate feels so quaint and old fashioned to me. So maybe I don’t get Christianity as practiced by the church.
I want to be able to cope. I’m supposed to take my son out to dinner and can’t face it. What is wrong with me.
It’s like a huge greyness. Maybe it is ‘depression’. Just a hopelessness and fatigue. I do feel though if I could just get enough rest, I’d be better. But then, rest never comes. I am so revved up and tense, that I wake up after a few hours sleep, obsessing about details at work. Then I can’t fall back asleep without a pill.
Or maybe it’s withdrawal from Xanax? I’ve been taking one pill at night when I wake, because it works, and I don’t have a hangover from it. But I don’t want to take it every day. But every day it seems is like an emergency, so I’m taking this stuff. Last night I didn’t take any. Could I have withdrawal symptoms from that? It is the lowest dose, but I’ve been careful to not take it every day, before this job stress hit.
I want to cope. I really really do. Making a living is so important to me.
If I could articulate what’s wrong, maybe it would help. It does seem as if my body and mind have gone a bit haywire. I’m used to needing lots of downtime. But this is downtime all the time.
I’ve been reading a book by Erich Fromm – The Art of Listening. Nice title, eh? I like it anyway. Nice black and white photo of Fromm in profile with his head bowed a bit, presumably listening.
I enjoy the book. But towards the end, he starts ranting a bit. And of course, I take it personally. That people should not be obsessed with their own problems, but take an interest in the wider world. Read great books. Listen to classical music. Study art.
And I feel that yes, I should do these things, and stop obsessing about my problems. If only I had the energy to devote to the study of art. And didn’t need to lie down all the time. And was able to work without it exhausting all my resources.
So for that part of the book, I feel Fromm is unsympathetic. I am reading along, picturing him as this kind analyst, wishing to listen….and then, bam, he starts criticizing his patients for not having a wider view.
I hope you are all well. I am grateful for my couch and the friend who helped put it together.