Sun

Sun just pouring down this week and today. I kind of appreciate it. But also, today, I just want to hole up and watch TV or a movie. Which seems very ungrateful on a sunny fall day.

I am still desperately fatigued. People are giving me these odd looks when I go out. People I interact with slightly – the librarian, the people next to me at the table in the cafe. I suspect I look kind of traumatized or something.

Work has calmed down somewhat. Only one quite negative interaction with da boss, where he seemed to think I’d made some horrendous mistake. It turned out I had not. He never came back and clarified, but I very bravely asked him about it next time he came by, and he explained what had been going on. Nothing to do with my work.

I’m enjoying my co-workers to some extent. I’m not used to having people to talk about day to day stuff with, and I could get used to that. But overall, I don’t feel respected there. I think if the boss clearly doesn’t think an employee is up to much, usually the other employees privately agree. Not completely. But they don’t want to think the boss is arbitrary, if they are getting along OK.

However, I’ve figured out how to speed up my output, so things are humming along faster than they were, so hopefully, this will appease the manager.

I did go to therapy. I feel too tired to describe it in detail. Maybe tomorrow. We went over the work situation. I find it a bit frustrating to obsess about work, because we then don’t get at my deeper issues. I tell Ron he can’t do anything about my work anyway. He says he can listen, and understand how it is for me to be scapegoated and treated badly. I appreciate his taking my side like that. I talk about my time with my ex-husband. His rages, where he’d throw things and destroy things. I guess the current situation is reminding me of those years, where I also felt powerless and overwhelmed by someone with more power than me. I try to remember what we fought about, but can remember very little.

I think, looking back, a lot of overarching things happened that I was not in agreement with. However, because my ex earned money and paid for things, and because he’d bought the house before I moved in, it seemed that he had the right to dictate what happened. For instance, his sister, whom I did not get along with, moved in and stayed with us for several years. I hated this, yet I was not consulted on whether she would live with us or not. Then I hated the constant renovations, yet that also was not up for discussion. They were a fact of life for all the years I lived in that house.

My ex had different issues with me, and I can’t recall what they were. But I can see I had lots to resent, and I didn’t have skills to talk about things.

I knew early on, because of my ex’s rages, that I needed to leave. However, I didn’t seem to be able to earn a living, and I had a baby to think about. So I stayed. And that was my life for many years. After all, I told myself, I am not getting physically hurt. Kind of a low bar, I think now.

I’ve now learned, with the parts, that parts did not like my ex at all. I tell Ron some parts didn’t like my ex, and he comments, just some?

And yet….my ex showed up for me when I had cancer. He built me a cupboard. He dependably comes when I need someone, especially for concrete types of things.

Near the end of the session, I read Ron some dreams I had. Ron thinks one of them is about therapy. One is long and involved. I read it, and I am plunged into a bunch of emotions I don’t understand. I feel furiously angry, and very confused. So I ask Ron what just happened to me? We’re out of time, but Ron thinks about it seriously. He says he thinks the dreams are about parts, and I get angry every time we discuss that my personality is in parts. Which is true enough. I cannot accept this. In my day to day, I’m not in parts. Mostly. I just hear some comments from parts, sometimes. But I think of myself as one person, same as everyone else. Then in therapy, I realize, oh yeah, there are these parts. But maybe I’m making them up, being creative? Who has parts?

Ron says that we could spend a long time on these dreams, and I say I feel I waste time on discussing my day to day life. Ron says there’s just a lot to get through.

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7 comments
  1. It’s always hard to know how to divvy up the time in therapy. It seems like there usually is material for at least three or four sessions. I hope that you find a balance that works for you. And I’m glad that things have eased some at work.

    • Ellen said:

      For you also? I have to choose between my daily ‘disasters’, dreams, my feelings about Ron, my family, the past….Plus the parts have their own tales to tell. It’s a lot. Then nevertheless, I often sit silently, not knowing what to talk about. Thanks Cat

      • Oh, absolutely! What I hate the most is when I know what needs to be said, but I spend most of the session in an internal battle that keeps me from speaking. Fortunately, I have gotten better about pushing past those blocks and my T has learned to intervene before I get too entrenched.

        But, yes, even though I have 2 sessions a week, I still always have more to talk about than time. I always make choices before I even get to the session and then more once I am there.

        Something for you to consider, perhaps… I have learned to listen to what it “feels” like I should be talking about once I get to the session, rather than persisting in talking about what either I or my T “think” that I should be talking about. That makes for much smoother working and more productive sessions, for me.

        • Ellen said:

          I listen for what ‘feels right’ also, in session, rather than coming in with a plan, usually. That’s the only way parts get heard, which is a priority for me. I wish I could still do the 1.5 sessions we started in the summer. It’s too late in the day to do that now, but it did help. Thanks

  2. Gel said:

    I feel a lot of liking of Ron as I read this…. in how he responds to you. It’s very sweet.

    I also feel a lot of admiration for you about how you keep moving forward with all the stuff you deal with. It gives me courage to keep moving forward too.

    xxoo

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, Ron can be very supportive. It’s a good thing.

      Thanks for the very sweet and supportive comment. xox

  3. Cat said:

    I think it’s hardly surprising you feel such fatigue. You’ve been processing a lot lately, both with the job and the challenges that evokes. Feeling powerless and overwhelmed can be exhausting, especially when it is awakening emotions from the past.

    My first gut instinct on reading this is that your work situation is actually very valid to talk about in therapy. Mr-nasty-boss-man might not specifically remind you of anyone from the past, but the emotional and psychological challenges seem to be similar to other things from the past. I did wonder if good ol’ Ron was suggesting this when he said you were being “the scapegoat and treated badly”.

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