I’ve had an upsetting day and now I can’t sleep. A bad run in with the boss. He does seem to be working up to letting me go. The things he says are so irrational, so unreasonable – it’s hard to know how to respond. I get that he’s irritated with me, doesn’t like what I do, feels I’m holding up his project somehow. But when it gets to specifics, it all goes up in smoke. He’s so sure I’m at fault, but he doesn’t pin down how.
I don’t want to go into the boring specific ins and outs. You’ll just have to trust me that I’m an experienced writer, and that basically, I’m acting in reasonable ways. He, on the other hand, has basically no experience whatsoever with documentation, and so is trying to manage a project where all the predictable issues are brand new to him. He doesn’t even really know that they’re issues that occur all the time – to him, everything is someone’s fault.
Today, after my co-worker who shares my office had left for the day, this boss came storming in to ask how the project was going. I’d just received feedback a half hour ago, so I was fixing something up. He was furious that I’d had this particular issue. He left, and I swore pretty loudly. He’d been a complete AH. A few minutes later, he came back, shut the door, sat down, and asked, very aggressively, if he was being unclear. He went into a bit of a tirade about how he’d been coaching me, how long this project was taking, that everyone else was faster than me (not entirely true), that at this point, he didn’t see what else he could do, and did I even want to be here on this project?
I returned some of his fire. I was shaking I was so angry and upset. He actually calmed down quite a bit when he saw he’d upset me. I told him I’d just gotten the feedback half an hour ago, and so hadn’t had time yet to fix it. He said he hadn’t know that. Well then, why not find out before the accusations start flying?
He said he’d like it done by end of day. Which was about a half hour away by this time. So I stayed over two hours late to finish this up. I won’t charge for the extra time. There is a problem that I had that was perhaps my fault, and so I was fixing that. However it was an honest mistake. It wasn’t that I didn’t care. All the other accusations were completely untrue. So I stayed late. He left right on time, so wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t stayed.
The day before, he was angry about other QA feedback on my project. Yet there was nothing different about my feedback from anyone else’s. He just attacked me, without asking any questions at all. He’d completely misunderstood. So I explained, which I’m not sure if he even took in.
Anyway, it’s been a crappy time. I still don’t want to be let go.
I had therapy scheduled for seven thirty, so I had to drive straight there from work. I didn’t have a cheque book, or my notebook of dreams. And I was so tense, and so worked up, and so upset, it was hard to do any therapy. When I get that upset, I can’t calm down enough to do any useful work. I just vent for a while. Then Ron says a few things, which are sensible, but any friend could also say them.
The kid makes an appearance right at the end of the hour, where I have been adult and verbal but not emotional. And the kid starts sobbing as if she’ll never stop. And it’s time to go, so I sit on Ron’s couch, trying to switch back into the coping adult.
So it’s too bad this happened on therapy day. I need some degree of calm to be able to do much therapy. It’s contradictory, I know, but it’s true. If I’m right in the middle of the soup, it’s too stressful to have a conversation about anything but how hot it is and how I’m drowning. With a bit of time to decompress, I could make more headway with my feelings. It’s like I’m so busy coping, I can’t feel.
Yuck. One more day. Not sure how I’ll get up tomorrow, with not being able to sleep today.
I think without this job, I’ll miss my two co-workers. I haven’t felt lonely since I started the work. That chit chat and discussions about work does a lot for me. I don’t need deep relationships all the time. Just ordinary ones work fine for me. So I will miss them. Of course, the rest will be good riddance.
I wonder what will happen.