The contract still sucks. Ugh.

Therapy is also not a lot of help right now. At least not specifically. Though I am getting a real handle on two parts. I notice when they pop up, and I’m not as scared of them. I noticed on the weekend on the phone with a longtime friend, that the kid part of me tends to pop out when I’m talking to her. Interesting. She is a very kind person, and she has never judged the kid, as people tend to do.

Of course, she doesn’t know she’s talking to a different part. It’s not a complete switch. I’d never noticed before that this particular friendship involves the kid.

I went to see Ron on Saturday, the day after he got back from his vacation. I was feeling irritable, put out by the previous client, who stayed a few minutes late, then walked out of Ron’s office making some kind of happy comment and smiling. Grrrr….Why was he so happy, while I am so miserable? I tell Ron how I’m feeling, as is my wont. So we explore my irritability, which I don’t think led anywhere much.

Later in the weekend, I realize I can’t sleep without taking drugs, and that during the day, I’m feeling spacey, tired, and kind of shocked. And belatedly, I realize it’s the antihistamines I’ve started taking. They make me wired and extremely irritable! So no wonder therapy didn’t help much – drug induced irritability is best cured by stopping the drug. So I did. It took the conversation with my friend to realize I needed to try a different kind of antihistamine.

This is my first day on the new pill, which I’ve taken at half strength. I’m hoping I can sleep – I don’t feel irritable. More depressed – but that’s more normal for me.

At the end of the session with Ron, I’d ended up again in a bad place. We’d been discussing a dream, and then an image that came to me as we were discussing it. I got very upset. Then pulling myself together to leave. I don’t say goodbye to Ron, just stomp out of his office. I’m angry but also really sad, and it seems to be his fault.

Later I feel bad, and email that I appreciated that he came in to see me, and sorry I didn’t say goodbye. So now, four days later, he replies that he understands and no apologies needed. Why bother replying after four days?

Work is still scary. Though I’m interacting more smoothly with the manager. In a way, he’s quite helpful, but you have to ask the right things, in a calm way. Matters of fact, or where to find out specific facts, is what he wants to talk about. Otherwise, he thinks you’re not getting it.

I still feel young and stupid. Both co-workers have more IT knowledge than I do. My knowledge of IT could fit into a thimble with room left over. And I feel less than all day long. And they treat me as less than as a consequence. They’re in the know, I’m not. If they have questions, they’ll ask each other, never me.

I have two projects, they all have six. Their projects are due end of the week, my first one is due in three weeks. I’m the dunce of the group.

But. I’m keeping my head up. I’ll learn what I need to know. This is not brain surgery after all. What they’re asking writers to do is not that difficult. It’s just, the skills I have won’t be used here. So I’ll likely continue to feel like a dunce. And it’s a very male environment. It’s bad enough keeping up your end around mostly men if you know what they know. I know less, so it’s a double whammy.

At least I’m bringing lunch and cooking suppers. That’s really good.

And my allergies seem better this year, touch wood. If this continues to next week, that will be proof for me that my diet is really good for me in many respects. I’m hoping this will continue. I barely feel any symptoms while taking a low dose of antihistamine.

  1. I am sorry you had a rough session this week. Maybe the late reply was just cuz he didnt get to his email until four days later, but he wanted you to know you were thought of, that he heard you. Our thherapist doesnt usually reply to email, but on the rare occasion that she does, it is usually because something some one of us has written has made an impact on her and she wants us to know how much she thinks of us and of what was said. I’m glad your allergies are some better. And dont worry about work, I’m sure your not a dunce. xx

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks Many. No, he got it when I sent it. His email is routed to his main email, and he checks it. I would have been OK with him not replying, but it was disconcerting to then get a reply so late. He does reply if I ask him to, and I hadn’t asked for a response this time. He’s pretty open about emails, but sometimes he doesn’t reply when I need a response, and then it’s a big deal for me.

      I’m not a dunce, (thanks), but the manager does seem to think I am. Cheers

  2. Gel said:

    I’m glad you know you are not a dunce. I can imagine it still feels bad that others might see you as a dunce though. (But maybe they don’t).

    It seems like you are doing remarkably well considering it’s a new job and just that in itself is a huge transition to get used to, even for someone without your challenges.

    I hear a lot of inner strength, self understanding and self care in you despite the difficulties.

    Regarding allergies…mine and my husbands allergies have also subsided quite noticeably since making similar dietary changes. One of the things that made a huge difference for his hay fever was drinking nettle infusion. The challenge with drinking nettle infusion is that you have to do it daily for months and months, to see a positive result. But after doing that for a few years he’s gone from having debilitating hay fever every june/july to having only the slightest feeling of congestion for a couple of days. But it did take a long time. Now he has been able to cut back on drinking nettle. It seems to have changed his chemistry-reactions.

    I’m curious what other ways this diet has helped you….if you care to share.

    Wishing you well.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks for the kind comments.

      Interesting about the nettle infusion. Too bad you have to take it all year pretty much.

      I think the diet has calmed my immune system, so it’s not fighting against food I’m intolerant to all the time. So in that way, it’s helped with the allergies. They are so much milder this year than usual. I had a severe case, so this is wonderful for me.

      I also have more energy and less depression. The diet is only part of the answer, but some of my symptoms, like being exhausted in the morning, were biologically based IMO. The diet’s effect on anxiety seems less clear. Unfortunately.

      Then I had nausea / heartburn pretty much every day, and that is much better.


      • Gel said:

        Thanks for sharing more about how your diet stuff is going.

        Yes taking the nettle infusion daily for so long is A LOT to do….but once you develop a taste for it it’s not bad. Nettle is offer so much more than just dealing with allergy symptoms….as wild plants they have way more minerals and trace elements than cultivated vegetables and the form of taking it in – as an infusion – makes the minerals more “bio-available”. meaning our bodies absorb the nutrients better than by taking supplements. Also, nettles are anti-inflammatory, so beyond allergy problems, nettles help if you have any other inflammatory issues. (which a lot of people do). I guess you didn’t ask for that info but I felt inspired to share it.

        It sounds like there are other benefits from the diet that sound really good. I have similar results. I agree tho – that the diet is only part of the answer. The other thing I’m noticing is that it keeps changing over time. So it’s good to keep paying attention and adjusting things. Like noticing when it might be time to reintroduce foods I took out in the past. I’m now trying complex carbs like potato and rice….just a little to begin with. I think I’m needing carbs now but the tricky part is figuring out which ones and how much.

        I had been enjoying ground beef for the first time in 25 years, but that only lasted for a few months….then beef smelled and tasted icky so I stopped eating it. I’ve been having better luck with poultry and pork. Keeps changing. Maybe the body tells you what it needs if you are listening.

        • Ellen said:

          I think it’s great to keep listening to your body. I read your personal paleo code recently and the author is undogmatic like that. I’ve started with some potatoes and rice also. I do really well on beef myself. I’d like to eat non meat sources of protein like lentils, but my body rebels. I used to rarely eat meat.

          I’m thinking of trying the nettles. But do you have to find them yourself? I live in a big city. I could certainly make a tea, especially if it’s just once a day.

          Thanks for sharing.

          • Gel said:

            You could order nettles on line. If you decide to try that I can recommend Mountain Rose Herbs or Frontier Herbs.

            To get the anti allergy affect from nettles you’d probably have to take a really strong tea (that was makes an infusion different from a tea). Everyone is different in how things affect them of course but everything I’ve read says you’d need a good strong dose every day for a while. It couldn’t hurt to have a regular cup of tea tho.

            Ya Chris Kresser is not dogmatic. That’s why we like hearing what he has to say.

            As for lentils…..have you tried soaking them first? I’ve even read that you soak them and then pour the water off, then add more water then bring them to a boil and pour that water off and then do that again 2 or 3 more times…..One of my friends who was doing well on paleo but wanted to be vegan for ethical reasons did a lot of research on cooking methods in her attempts to find ways to make legumes digestible for her. That is how she does it. Also some people sprout lentils first and then cook them.

  3. Cat said:

    I have also experienced agitation following certain drugs taken at night; sleep inducing meds seem to be the worst or even high doses of codeine. I hope your new anti-H does the trick

    I’m sure feeling anger towards Therapists is common, but 4 days to answer an email is something that would get on my goat. I tend to read & reread the last email I sent just to make sure I didn’t write anything that is causing their silence. Paranoia can really take over.

    Pleased to hear you’re getting along better with the boss. I have every confidence that you’ll learn the ropes and feel more involved. I imagine that you’re probably doing better than you think. If you’re finished your projects before the 3 week deadline, will he allocate another? Maybe that’s the best way to prove you can do more.

    • Ellen said:

      Interesting you have similar reactions to meds Cat. The new one is great. It comes in two doses, so I could take the lower dose, and at this point, I’m taking half the lower dose. The sleep issues were still somewhat there but less severe and I could deal.

      I have had huge struggles with this email situation. However, in this case, I wasn’t necessarily expecting a reply. But then to get a response after four days was disconcerting and kind of painful. I hear you on the paranoia – I’m the same often.

      As to work – I did finish my project ahead of schedule, and I have another. It doesn’t seem to have changed his mind about me, but I’m no longer worried he’ll let me go. He can be an AH to people he judges inferior, but at least I’m clear it’s his problem and not really about me. As long as I get things done, he’ll have no reason to pester me.

      Thanks Cat

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