The contract still sucks. Ugh.
Therapy is also not a lot of help right now. At least not specifically. Though I am getting a real handle on two parts. I notice when they pop up, and I’m not as scared of them. I noticed on the weekend on the phone with a longtime friend, that the kid part of me tends to pop out when I’m talking to her. Interesting. She is a very kind person, and she has never judged the kid, as people tend to do.
Of course, she doesn’t know she’s talking to a different part. It’s not a complete switch. I’d never noticed before that this particular friendship involves the kid.
I went to see Ron on Saturday, the day after he got back from his vacation. I was feeling irritable, put out by the previous client, who stayed a few minutes late, then walked out of Ron’s office making some kind of happy comment and smiling. Grrrr….Why was he so happy, while I am so miserable? I tell Ron how I’m feeling, as is my wont. So we explore my irritability, which I don’t think led anywhere much.
Later in the weekend, I realize I can’t sleep without taking drugs, and that during the day, I’m feeling spacey, tired, and kind of shocked. And belatedly, I realize it’s the antihistamines I’ve started taking. They make me wired and extremely irritable! So no wonder therapy didn’t help much – drug induced irritability is best cured by stopping the drug. So I did. It took the conversation with my friend to realize I needed to try a different kind of antihistamine.
This is my first day on the new pill, which I’ve taken at half strength. I’m hoping I can sleep – I don’t feel irritable. More depressed – but that’s more normal for me.
At the end of the session with Ron, I’d ended up again in a bad place. We’d been discussing a dream, and then an image that came to me as we were discussing it. I got very upset. Then pulling myself together to leave. I don’t say goodbye to Ron, just stomp out of his office. I’m angry but also really sad, and it seems to be his fault.
Later I feel bad, and email that I appreciated that he came in to see me, and sorry I didn’t say goodbye. So now, four days later, he replies that he understands and no apologies needed. Why bother replying after four days?
Work is still scary. Though I’m interacting more smoothly with the manager. In a way, he’s quite helpful, but you have to ask the right things, in a calm way. Matters of fact, or where to find out specific facts, is what he wants to talk about. Otherwise, he thinks you’re not getting it.
I still feel young and stupid. Both co-workers have more IT knowledge than I do. My knowledge of IT could fit into a thimble with room left over. And I feel less than all day long. And they treat me as less than as a consequence. They’re in the know, I’m not. If they have questions, they’ll ask each other, never me.
I have two projects, they all have six. Their projects are due end of the week, my first one is due in three weeks. I’m the dunce of the group.
But. I’m keeping my head up. I’ll learn what I need to know. This is not brain surgery after all. What they’re asking writers to do is not that difficult. It’s just, the skills I have won’t be used here. So I’ll likely continue to feel like a dunce. And it’s a very male environment. It’s bad enough keeping up your end around mostly men if you know what they know. I know less, so it’s a double whammy.
At least I’m bringing lunch and cooking suppers. That’s really good.
And my allergies seem better this year, touch wood. If this continues to next week, that will be proof for me that my diet is really good for me in many respects. I’m hoping this will continue. I barely feel any symptoms while taking a low dose of antihistamine.