New contract

The new contract is somewhat disastrous. Or should I start with therapy? My last session was last Tuesday, and now Ron is away once again. It was a much more soothing session than the one I wrote about below. I went after work, and I was very aware I had to be up again the next morning and able to function. A part that I don’t know much about ended up speaking with Ron for a while. It felt really good to let that happen – it lightened that part’s burden somehow. Ron seemed to like her, and that meant a lot. It was great to have a session which didn’t have major fall-out to cope with, which felt good and calm.

Well, I’ve forgotten most of what happened. I described to Ron how badly I’d felt the last time, and that I’d felt somewhat abandoned. And stuff. Hmmm…..

Now my contract. It’s not good. I’ve been thrown into an environment I’m not comfortable in – an IT infrastructure build. I’ve never worked on one before. The manager has just come on board himself a month ago. He’s young and aggressive. Plus insecure. OK, we don’t get along. But I went in not understanding what the job was that I’d been hired for. I kind of assumed things about it that turned out to be entirely incorrect. The manager is not patient, and really seemed put off by my questions. I guess he took them as a sign I wasn’t ‘getting it’.

However. I like working with a team of writers. There are three other writers brought in at the same time as me, and we get along pretty well. What a change from being basically alone, to being surrounded by co-workers all day long. That part is good.

We were just assigned projects today. So everyone else got two or three, and I got one only. They seem to all be similar in length. I have a creepy feeling that I”m going to be let go soon.

I’ve become ultra careful with this manager, never saying much and asking few questions. I check things out with the other writers instead. Because this guy is jumpy, and he does not like my questions.

I don’t want to be let go. I don’t like the work, but give me a chance. We haven’t been there long enough to produce anything after all. If he lets me go, it won’t be on the basis of work I’ve done badly.

Plus, they’re using several versions of Windows beyond what I’ve used before, and the same with Word. Everything has changed and is in a different place. It’s no biggy – I’ll learn it, but it’s one more thing that makes me look slow and incompetent.

Some people are so very quick to judge. I am in fact good at my job. I will learn all these new things – just I need some time.

I think I may ask why I have been assigned less than the other team members.

Feeling like I’m about to get fired is not a good feeling – I feel panicky. Plus I’m triggered. I sometimes feel there as if I’m the most ugly person in the universe. Plus the slowest. I know it’s my stuff.

I wish I hadn’t accepted this contract.

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