New contract

The new contract is somewhat disastrous. Or should I start with therapy? My last session was last Tuesday, and now Ron is away once again. It was a much more soothing session than the one I wrote about below. I went after work, and I was very aware I had to be up again the next morning and able to function. A part that I don’t know much about ended up speaking with Ron for a while. It felt really good to let that happen – it lightened that part’s burden somehow. Ron seemed to like her, and that meant a lot. It was great to have a session which didn’t have major fall-out to cope with, which felt good and calm.

Well, I’ve forgotten most of what happened. I described to Ron how badly I’d felt the last time, and that I’d felt somewhat abandoned. And stuff. Hmmm…..

Now my contract. It’s not good. I’ve been thrown into an environment I’m not comfortable in – an IT infrastructure build. I’ve never worked on one before. The manager has just come on board himself a month ago. He’s young and aggressive. Plus insecure. OK, we don’t get along. But I went in not understanding what the job was that I’d been hired for. I kind of assumed things about it that turned out to be entirely incorrect. The manager is not patient, and really seemed put off by my questions. I guess he took them as a sign I wasn’t ‘getting it’.

However. I like working with a team of writers. There are three other writers brought in at the same time as me, and we get along pretty well. What a change from being basically alone, to being surrounded by co-workers all day long. That part is good.

We were just assigned projects today. So everyone else got two or three, and I got one only. They seem to all be similar in length. I have a creepy feeling that I”m going to be let go soon.

I’ve become ultra careful with this manager, never saying much and asking few questions. I check things out with the other writers instead. Because this guy is jumpy, and he does not like my questions.

I don’t want to be let go. I don’t like the work, but give me a chance. We haven’t been there long enough to produce anything after all. If he lets me go, it won’t be on the basis of work I’ve done badly.

Plus, they’re using several versions of Windows beyond what I’ve used before, and the same with Word. Everything has changed and is in a different place. It’s no biggy – I’ll learn it, but it’s one more thing that makes me look slow and incompetent.

Some people are so very quick to judge. I am in fact good at my job. I will learn all these new things – just I need some time.

I think I may ask why I have been assigned less than the other team members.

Feeling like I’m about to get fired is not a good feeling – I feel panicky. Plus I’m triggered. I sometimes feel there as if I’m the most ugly person in the universe. Plus the slowest. I know it’s my stuff.

I wish I hadn’t accepted this contract.

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10 comments
  1. I’m sorry about the contract woes. It sounds like exactly the sort of situation that would put me on edge and keep me feeling insecure and young.

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, that’s it. I keep feeling insecure and young. When I need to be grown-up and professional. Thanks Cat

  2. Cat said:

    The manager sounds like a real bundle of laughs. What a bummer! I hope you get the chance to prove your worth, Ellen

    • Ellen said:

      He he. I appreciate sarcasm a lot at this point. Thanks Cat

  3. leb105 said:

    I would find it very challenging to work, doing the same job, alongside other people. I think I tend to work alone, and think that I’m the best at what I do. Having other people working in the same space makes me see that I’m not as “special” as I thought, and it becomes a competition that I’m afraid I’ll lose! Still, I can see that I need to be able to tolerate an environment that isn’t giving me strokes. That sounds pretty narcissistic, doesn’t it? It seems to me that you are much more able to do this.
    Have you seen the book “The Obstacle Is the Way”?

    • Ellen said:

      Yes, that’s not my issue. We all have our own stuff. Though in this situation, I’m crammed in really close quarters with the other writers, and that stresses me out a bit.

      Come to think of it, I am used to thinking I’m good at my job, so being judged as lesser is difficult. I haven’t seen that book, but I’ll look out for it if you’re recommending it.

      Thanks for sharing your experience Laura, I appreciate that.

  4. I hope that environment improves for you soon … thinking of you.

    • Ellen said:

      Thanks DB. Glad you’re back.

  5. Ashana M said:

    That’s rough. It’s hard to keep the parts together when we’re triggered. The day before yesterday, the PE teacher was blowing a high-pitched whistle every few seconds. My class fell apart a little. I hadn’t really realized before that an entire unit had gone badly because of this earlier in the year, nor had I realized that it also makes one of the students in the class with behaviour problems fall apart too so then everything becomes compounded. He finally stuffed paper in his ears.Your contract has you feeling like the “ugly duckling,” and that makes it hard to keep everything else together. The whistle makes me feel frightened, and I can’t keep it together either. Our burdens are hard to manage sometimes. Here in Country X, we meditate at the start of every class, so I make the class meditate when I can’t take it any more. It does help me to feel calm again and a little more able to cope. I hope you can find these small things that help you cope with the situation. I think when we are triggered, how we respond often doesn’t help the situation or makes it worse. So, that’s part of the problem. You feel incompetent and slow and so might start behaving insecure and young, and that won’t help. I feel frightened and stop being consistent with the students, and that doesn’t help. You can’t change your boss and I can’t change the whistle. All we can do is focus on coping with the trigger.

    • Ellen said:

      I really enjoy hearing about how you approach things Ashana M. Meditation sounds great. I imagine it must be difficult being a teacher because you’re basically ‘in public’ all the time. I have found noise to be a trigger also.

      I am doing things like taking little walks during the day. Or going for tea. It is very stressful. First thing in the day, my whole system is so activated I feel afraid, then as the day goes on I become pretty tired from all that fear. Well, it’s difficult but I’m doing it – I’m coping. I give myself credit for managing.

      Thanks.

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